It can't possibly be 2012 already...

Oh but it is ::nods::

Remember when this, the last year on the mayan calendar, seemed so far away?
What happened to that? How are we only just hours away?
Does 2011 feel a little neglected maybe? Did we not give it enough TLC? It just came & went - & we all kind of hated it? no? I kinda feel bad now. It will have no chance to redeem itself unless of course it finds some way to take 2012's place ::nods:: or brokers some kind of deal with 2012 to right all of its wrongs & get back in our good graces ::nods::
All we really need to forget a terrible 2011 is an amazing 2012 & thats what I am banking on the most.

2012 will mean a lot of things for me.
It will mean:
2 years since I graduated college
6 years since I graduated high school [which just absolutely blows my mind]
6 years since my mom passed away [again another thing that just blows my mind & continues to break my heart]

2012 could also mean a lot of other things.
It could be the year I:
got into grad school
didn't get into grad school
finally moved out of the house & possibly out of the state
failed, yet again, to move out of the house & possibly out of the state

Do you see where I'm going with this??? 2012 can either be the most progressive year i've had in a very long time or it could be 2011 all over again.
& then what? I anxiously wait to leave 2012 and desperately welcome 2013?
Is this anyway to live? to keep wanting to forget the year before even existed? to put the coming year up on a pedestal which could then lead to disappointment?
I guess thats one way to think about it ::nods::

Or I could just look forward to saying "wow 2012! you were awesome! lets hope 2013 can live up to your awesome-ness!"
That'd be pretty great right?
Wouldn't we all just love that?

So!
Lets make 2012 the year we don't want to forget as badly as we all want to forget 2011?
Sounds good, right???

I think i'm going to do this month by month!
January 2012: the month I learned to relax
February 2012: the month I...
March 2012: the month I...!

Onward peeps! To 2012! I wish you all the most positive of years!

If it wasn't for Justin Bieber I wouldn't even have known it was Christmas

True story ::nods::

It was 55 degrees 2 days ago. There aren't many decorations up around the neighborhood. We didn't experience a mad rush of holiday shoppers at "work"...
I'm not feeling the holiday spirit at all. Where is it???? I think its in that Justin Bieber Christmas album - he sucked up all the holiday cheer and mass produced it for tweens (& myself). Its on repeat at work & its the only time I ever feel like its Christmas. I'm going to have to listen to it today so it feels like Christmas Eve! The Michael Buble album is on heavy rotation at work as well but his music makes me want to jump off an extremely tall building. The biebs' album makes me wanna buy presents!
& that I did!

I did 2 rounds of shopping this year. I managed to get almost everyones gifts in 1 day and all for less than $100! On the second round I spent a bit more but still all within my "budget" [i'll just have to spend the next couple of weeks NOT at chipotle]. Of course I got that buyers remorse I always get when I spend a large sum of money but its Christmas! (I think). This is the only time of year i'll spending this amount of money on anyone else ::nods:: & I mean if all goes according to the holiday gift giving tradition I will be getting something in return so as they say "its all good"

I finding that as I am getting older it is getting much more difficult to answer that "what do you want for christmas?" question...
because I really just never know anymore. When you're young and naive you ask for anything no matter the cost because you probably didn't know how much it cost anyway. But I mean now I know that I want that new blackberry but I obviously can't ask someone to drop $300+ on a phone that i'll just be upgrading when the newest one comes out in the near future anyway. Of course there are things we all want but at this age its better off we just buy them for ourselves ::nods::
I think at this point in my life I am just happy to get anything really. I'd actually be really appreciative of some socks right now as mine all have holes in the toes.
Remember when how awesome your Christmas was depended on how many gifts you received?
So not the case anymore...
I think i'm most excited for the food!...& the eggnog.

I was going somewhere with this..hmmm...

Right!
But if i had to answer that dreaded question:

All I really want for Christmas this year is to get into grad school & to move out of nyc for a bit and start fresh & all that jazz ::nods::
but thats about 50% on me & 50% on the admissions board
All I really want for Christmas this year is to have a great 2012 & to be happy & to make some progress & some positive change and that is about 99.9% on me

I'll direct these wants to the universe as it is the only force capable of handling such a request...

& i'm going to start working on my resolutions for 2012. It may seem like a waste of time because we all rarely follow through on our new years resolutions but my first resolution for 2012 is to do just that! so...there!

oh
&
happy holidays!

Average [av-er-ij, av-rij]

Dictionary.com -[my main source for most definitions - defines [the adjective] average as "typical, common, ordinary..." or you know "nothing special."

I just completed an untimed practice GRE test on princetonreview.com & while I was expecting a much, much, much worse score than what I received, I was pretty disappointed by how average it was: Verbal - 150, Math - 147*
I was expecting a below average score for my math, but such an average score for my verbal? Reading & writing & vocab & all that jazz is kinda sorta my thing, I mean come on!

So now I have 3 days to to get my scores from average to above average. Is that even something that is possible for me?

I know for a fact that I have been average my entire academic career & while I guess there isn't necessarily anything wrong with being average, there definitely is something wrong with my contentment with being average. I never wanted to fail at anything - never liked it, never will - but I don't ever really remember failing a test or a paper and feeling distraught about it ya know? Of course there were the subjects and classes that were somewhat effortless to me, but then there were the courses I needed to put the extra work into & I can't recall ever really doing that - If I was failing a class then I pretty much aimed to get a D, If I had a D in a class then I was pretty darn content with that.

I took Italian for 6 years & if I were to be picked up from this bed & dropped in the center of Rome you'd probably never hear from me again because I'd probably get lost in a fountain somewhere because my Italian is terrible & that is completely my fault. I never put the work in. I should speak/write fluent Italian but I don't because I was sooo content with just passing. I was just so content with knowing what I needed to know when I needed to know it and then just casting it aside.

Is it just in my nature to be this way? Why not strive to be extraordinary? Why not put all the effort in ya know?

This contentment as undoubtedly carried over to my job hunting. I don't think I'm going above and beyond. Am I writing the best cover letter ever written? - not at all. Am I still applying and sending resumes every single day? no and thats because right now as long as I'm working I'm not really feeling the pressure.
But shouldn't I always be feeling the pressure?
Isn't that the only way to get everything you want in life??? To push yourself? To put all of your energy into the things you want?

I talk a lot about changing how I think, how I feel, how I go about my day to day, how I go about getting the things I desire most and I've been crawling and taking a few baby steps but I've been doing that for awhile. I should be sprinting by now right? or at the very least speed walking ::nods::

so I'll start with stepping my GRE game up. I have the next couple of days to get through as many practice questions and tests as possible. Trying to get this done despite my hectic work schedule is gonna be tough but...

Yea
So i'll be a lil too busy to blog until afterrrrrr test time so
wish me luck!


*The GRE is graded on a 130-170 scale & 0-6 for the essays

"Thank You For Your Patience"

Okay so you may have changed that stupid automated announcement that comes on when the train is stuck underground between stations for 30 minutes from "please be patient" to "thank you for your patience", MTA, but i still despise you.
1. because now I can no longer rant in my head about how infuriating "please be patient" is to someone who has no choice but to be patient because they are stuck in a dark, rat infested underground subway tunnel.
2. because that almost unnoticeable change has not increased the quality of my daily commute.

Today for example:
I get to the subway station, make it past the turnstile down onto the platform where the next departing train is waiting, doors open, conductor ready. I luck out and find a seat among my fellow commuters - lucky because I have elbow room on both sides ::nods::
I take out my GRE book and struggle over some 6th grade level mathematics and check my watch - I was right on time. The automated announcement lets us know that this manhattan bound train is about to head to the next stop and that we should stand clear of the closing doors. The doors close, the train moves off, and I hit play on my ipod. About 2 seconds into a Drake song the gears of the train make a very unfamiliar sound and the train stops abruptly. Everyone looks up from their books & nooks & kindles and then the doors open & then the angry lady -as I will always call her- gets on the PA and announces that the train we have all made ourselves so comfortable on is going out of service and that the train across the platform will be leaving first. Insert MAD DASH here. Everyone who had a seat hustles across the platform to try and secure, if possible, the same exact seat. We were all at a disadvantage because the other people who had missed our now out of service train were already seated. I managed to get a seat but this time it lacked the elbow room necessary to properly navigate my study aid...
where was I going with this?
Oh right! How is it that a train could possibly break down and go out of service about 2 seconds into its route? And why does this happen more often than we'd like?
The last time I had an incident like this the angry lady had us cross the platform from one train to the other 3 times. I thought it was some kind of game, I thought we'd all involuntarily ended up on an episode of wipe out - some of the older commuters almost didn't make it. Do we really pay up to $109 a month to run back and forth until the people in charge can get it together?
If its not broken trains, its delayed trains. If its not delayed trains, its no trains at all. How long is this construction supposed to take??? why won't my lines be complete until late 2012? They've been "under construction" since my sophomore year of college!
Get it together MTA! Anyone remember when 30 day unlimited metrocards were about $75-ish bucks? Does it not seem that as the prices increase the service gets that much more terrible?
And can we just talk about the people they hire to "clean" these trains? Having a center/terminal as my home station has opened my eyes to what really happens when these trains reach their last stops. Each member of the maintenance team takes about a half car each and they just walk in, take a broom to whatever trash they can see which neverrr everrr includes whats under the seats. They neverrr everrr get anything and they almost always spend most of the cleaning time sitting, talking, or snacking and they probably all make more money than me. Is there someone I can talk to about this?! I mean really!
I have a suggestion for how these subway train janitors can better make use of all that company time...
How bout by rounding up all the homeless people that have made the E train their mobile home?
I say the following at the risk of sounding like the worst person in the universeeee but like really...i'm not sure how many more smelly cars I can walk into - my lungs aren't strong enough to hold my breath until the next stop most times and it really just makes me sick to my stomach. Now I know that a very large percent of the homeless men & women who occupy our subway system suffer from some kind of mental disorder but isn't that all the more reason to get them off the train, out of their filthy clothes, and into a hospital or some sort of care facility? I also know that maybe the funds aren't there but then what? do we just let them ride the subway up & down and live on the benches in the stations until they're found wayyy too late by some patrol cop? Is there anyone working on a solution to this?
Why am I paying all this money a month to have a woman squat in the corner of a crowded train car & relieve herself?
Why am I paying all this money to walk into a train car where an obviously mentally unhealthy person has defecated all over the ground & then smeared that feces all over the seats.
Where is the give? Does it make us slightly inhumane to scowl and cover our noses when we walk onto a train car that a homeless man has turned into his apartment? yes...but then again this is a service we are paying for. shouldn't we at least be allowed to breath?
I've gotta talk to that tool bloomberg about this...although he'll probably just make some ridiculous comment about how most of the manhattanites don't complain, mostly because they are part of that 1% who can afford to jetpack everywhere ::nods::*

On the same transportation note with a much, much different tone:
On friday 2 men were shot on a bus that had just pulled up at Jamaica center (the very station I use every single day, the same station where I did those platform sprints I mentioned). A man who had just killed someone else ran from the scene of the 1st murder and hopped on the bus that he then made the scene of his second murder. A lot of things went through my head when I saw it on the news. The men that were shot were just doing their daily routines, going about their own business when this monster shot them for absolutely no good reason. I started to think about how easy it is for a murderer to get on a bus. Is it possible for someone who has just taken 1 life to have all their wits about them as they hop on a bus to flee the scene? Is it possible that the driver may have just let him on without paying the fare, without giving it a second thought?
I was on the bus one night on my way home from work when a man who was obviously out of his mind boarded the bus. He was yelling, cursing, and somewhat violent. He didn't have any money, he probably had no idea where he was and instead of denying him entry the bus driver said nothing as the man spewed angry words at him. Was it for his own safety? but what about the safety of everyone else on board who had payed their way home? I made the mistake of looking up from my phone and the man made eye contact with me and said my stop. I was officially scared. I immediately called my father who served as the most inefficient body guard ever. Fortunately I didn't need him, the "angry man" got fixated on a paper bag or something on the floor and forgot all about me but what if he didn't and what if he'd had some kind of weapon?
That incident got me thinking about the time I had honestly completely forgotten that my metrocard expired. I swiped it on the bus and it denied me. I tried explaining to the driver and he wasn't having it. I had to get off the bus and walk back home to get change. It blew my mind. I realized that maybe if I was angry, violent, & yielding a weapon that I would have gotten on that bus and gone anywhere I wanted to go...



*after that crazy snowstorm we had last winter when the MTA was completely shut down, our mayor said that it wasnt all that bad because most of the broadway plays were still packed...from that point on anything he said became invalid.

Its December...& I Am Definitely Feeling The Pressure

I've been like beyondddd confused lately. Is it just me or does it kinda still feel like its 2010? when did 2011 happen? Why is most of it a blur? & How is it already less than a month until 2012?
Did I not just register for the GRE yesterday? & if so...does that not give me another 50 days to test day? No? Its not still October? Its actually december 2nd? I actually have about 14 days until the test?
F. M. L. <--- can we bring that back? because it kinda totally completely describes how I am feeling right now ::nods::
How is it possible that I've been laboring over this princeton review GRE study aid for over a month and I am feeling less confident now than I did 4 weeks ago? Is it because I used "laboring" rather loosely?
Ok so I haven't devoted the necessary time to GRE preparation but I mean like 6th grade - 10th grade math? How difficult could that be? Ummmmm really difficult actually. I had totally forgotten what PEMDAS, FOIL, & factoring meant. I curse younger rudine for not mastering basic math back then but I can't curse her for being awesome enough to make it through about 17 years of schooling without mastering the aforementioned basic math - kudos!
So what now?
Work on my essays? vocab? & reading comprehension? Surely those must be a breeze for me eh?
eh?????
ugh...why did I only manage to answer 12 out of 20 questions of this verbal reasoning section? & why out of those 12 questions did I only get 6 correct?! What is going on here?
So now i've entered panic mode.
A lot of different things can happen when I am in panic mode. I can either fall apart completely - which I've been known to do. Falling apart completely will result in a complete mental shut down which will then render me incapable of continuing to prepare for this test which will result in me balled into the fetal position, crying uncontrollably in front of my cubicle at the testing center at the sight of the first "quantitative reasoning" section which will then of course lead to a score of 0 or less than zero which will then lead to the arrival of a graduate school rejection letter which will lead to me falling apart completely the result of which will be me in the fetal position on the kitchen floor because then obviously I will be as close as possible to the food that I will use to make me temporarily feel better about my sad, sad life.
or!
I can get it together! Sometimes I work best under pressure ::nods:: the threat of failure might actually help me "study" more. I'll spend less time refreshing my facebook page & watching old dateline episodes on investigation discovery and I will spend more time studying the 100+ vocabulary words in that book. I will also stop avoiding the geometry chapter - I have to reacquaint myself with those shapes that aren't circles, triangles, & rectangles.
I've already reviewed more today than I did on my last day of ::nods:: & I still have hours and hoursss to go!
So it seems that I'm moving in the not falling apart direction which I think will yield the positive results I need ::nods::

December also means that I have a little over a month until my application needs to be submitted. I still have about 3,980 words to write.

I wish I could say that I've just been working soooo much that the only time I've had to "study" is on the train but I'd feel kinda guilty since realistically I spend more time napping & snacking on white chocolate covered oreos than prepping and essay writing.

Since its a new month. I figure I'll refresh my mindset. Especially since this month is so dangerously close to next month which is the deadlines of deadlines. I can kinda think my way through the GRE but my graduate school app will take more dedication than I've been giving. Time to reboot!

...right after this nap?

OkCupid...Stop It.

It has always been a pretty strong belief of mine that signing up for online dating is just the most desperate of desperate acts.
Well 4 days ago that is just what I did ::nods::
The curiosity is definitely what gets you. You know when you don't give something much thought but then it's suddenly showing up everywhere? like some kind of sign? I had been bombarded by match.com & e-harmony "testimonials" & lately facebook has been heavily suggesting that I check out christianmingles.com so when more than one person brought up the very FREE OkCupid in our conversation in the same week I figured...why not?
I now have more than enough reasons why NOT to join OkCupid & various other sketchy "dating" websites.

1. Why am I doing this?
You'll never feel the same again. At least I wont. As I was filling out all the basic information & trying to come up with a "cute" & "original" username I kept thinking "why am i really doing this?" for experiments sake? yes. but could it also be because i'm kinda tired of all those "why don't you have a boyfriend or something?" questions ? I mean like can I live? is there some kind of rule that says I have to have a boyfriend right now? can I be single? no? fine! so I filled in all kinds of "personal information" favorite tv shows, favorite music, favorite book. It was kinda like facebook except most do not join facebook with the sole purpose of finding a date. I love social networking & most things internet but I think it was something about how purposeful joining a dating site is that made me very uneasy.

2. Ummm why does this guy have the same zip code as me?!
For someone who is completely open to finding a significant other online, seeing that this potential match lives in your neighborhood might be a good thing, to me that is a bigggggg NO NO NO. The combination of my pictures & neighborhood is something that could equal me becoming someones lamp shade. I mean yes, these same pictures are up on facebook, but I decide who can & can not see my facebook. The only way for "Cupid" to do its best work is if your profile is available to umm everyone - not okay.

3. Really "Cupid"? is this the best you could do?
The messages started arriving about 20 minutes after the completion of my online profile. The one thing that an internet based cupid can't do is determine who you'd be physically attracted to. Sure you can choose a preferred height & body type but when it comes to everything else that lil cherub has absolutely noooo idea what is going on in the part of my brain that processes physical attraction.
How do I say this without sounding completely shallow? hmmm...lets just say that most of the guys I received messages from were just not at allllll like ehhhh you know. I'm not shallow I swear but I mean lets be real. How many of your relationships started because you saw someone & was foremost physically attracted to them?
I guess thats why some people are meant for online dating & something others *ahem*...are not. Some people are completely open to just dismissing "looks" all together. Maybe those are the people who are most successful, they are who we see in those match.com testimonials ::nods::

4. SEX SEX SEX
So they have you fill out this crazy questionaire to help increase your chance at being matched. It is just the most absurd compilation of questions i've ever answered. It started out normal enough: how do you feel about smoking, drinking, drugs, etc...relationship expectations, romantic history and whatnot but then suddenly you're attacked by random math questions..ummm what?...and thenn comes the SEX. All kinds of invasive questions about your past, current, & future sex life. I don't even want to go into the details but I don't think they ask these kinds of when you go to the OB/GYN ::nods::
I mean I guess we're all adults here and we can answer those kinds of questions but if i'm just on your site looking for a "date" exactly what purpose do they serve? & would I really want to meet a guy who has selected me based on what I am "willing to do" in a hypothetical sexual situation It went from online dating to online brothel verrrry quickly.

And it was def my cue to go!

After just 4 days I deleted my OkCupid profile. I'd had enough of the annoying e-mails alerting me of new messages from guys I'd never agree to meet...ever. I just didn't feel hopeful about it at all. I mean i've heard enough stories about online dating that has ended in real life marriage, but eh i'm just too skeptical? or just not open enough to trying something so radical? i'm not sure. I don't think I put all the positive energy I could have but I think thats because I know for sure that its just not for me.
At least I can't say I didn't try!

Next up!

Speed dating? Whos coming with me??? anyone????

On Gratitude

Its kinda difficult for me to feel thankful for anything right now. I'm feeling a little discouraged today, a little depressed & its the kind of feeling that just makes me want to curl up into a ball & sleep until its time for my real life to begin.
On the surface what do I have to be thankful for? I've been on this endless dream job hunt for almost 2 years now, in the mean time I'm stuck in the retail world - which gets old fast, I have credit cards that I can no longer afford to use, but can't afford NOT to use, & I am running out of space in the half a room that I can barely call my own.
Is this something you can relate to? the frustration? the perpetual overwhelming-ness of it all?
Are these things one can be grateful for? When you're in the state of mind that I tend to always be in my problems are always the end all, be all - you know when you can't everrr see the positive in a situation? yea...that.

Well the secret teaches that in order for the positive things we so desperately desire to manifest we need to be grateful for what we do have & we need to express that gratitude on a daily basis.
Thanksgiving is that national day of giving thanks, but what about every other day. Yes we are busy people but the secret advises that when we first open our eyes in the morning and when our feet hit the ground as we get up to start our day we should be listing all we are thankful for and really meaning it.
As an on again, off again practitioner of the secret I know these things are easier said than done. I am the poster child for being completely dedicated to something for about an hour or so & then seeing something shiny and completely losing focus - save a few things i.e. my 8 years of vegetarianism.
But I think -as i'm sure I have said before because I can be annoyingly repetitive at times - when you are at your lowest, when you are feeling the most desperate is when you tend to channel that strength and dedication that is necessary to go about creating positive change.

So! What am I thankful for? hmmmmm

Well lets start with being incredibly grateful to have a bed to sleep in at night & rent free at that! I am a daily patron of the E train and the amount of homeless people that have adopted those subway cars as their home is remarkable. I am grateful to not be in that situation & while I do long to be on my own & paying my own rent etc...I am absolutely in NO position to be doing that so to have a place to live rent free? thank you, thank you, thank you!

While it is not at all what I ever thought I'd be doing when I used to sit at the desk in my dorm trying to muster the motivation to keep writing & writing & wri
ting, I am grateful to have a job. Without it I'd be like I don't even know where - some place that isn't even fathomable - just in the deepest of ditches financially and emotionally. I'm not making as much as I would love or need but when it comes to money something is better definitely than nothing.

One of the most frustrating things about living at home is the lack of privacy. I don't think anyone misses their SNHU dorm room as much as I do. My living situation right now is not ideal especially since I occupy my father's tv room. You don't know annoyance until you're woken up at 7am by the sound of a grown man watching the weekly english premiere league soccer game, screaming about another missed goal.
But somehow despite the sleep i've lost I have to say that I am thankful for my father. He often reminds me that there are a lot of fatherless children in this world & it is definitely something I take for granted. I am thankful every time he remembers to grab my favorite pasta at the supermarket, I am thankful every time he makes sure I'm up for work in the morning, I am thankful whenever he stir-fries tofu & veggies w/ a side of seasoned mashed potatoes...the list goes on & on. While we've always had a really good relationship it pretty much goes without saying that since my mother passed away 5 years ago our relationship has that much better. So thank you, thank you, thank you...

I am thankful forrrrrr my brothers & sisters and for my friends who are like brothers and sisters. I am eternally grateful for the support they continue to give me. I could go on forever & ever about the amazing people in my life ::nods:: thank you, thank you, thank you...

I am thankful for all 3 of my recommendation providers! I think that every single one of them can help me convince my grad program that I deserve to be there. They know me best, better than I know myself sometimes & If I fail things on my end I know that they have my back. Its awesome
thank you, thank you, thank you...

So far it seems that I have a lot to be thankful for right? I'm even surprising myself...what else? what else?

I'm thankful for life - I won't elaborate because it makes me really, really sad - but when you lose people: family, friends, classmates, peers, etc... it puts a lot of things in perspective. When you're around my age & are fortunate enough to be surrounded by someone like you're 93 year old grandmother its easy to take this life for granted, its easy to think you'll see 93 & then you lose someone only a few years older than you are and in such a tragic, unexpected way & it sends you like crashing back to reality. so yea...

This really could go on for awhile longer...i'll do the rest in my head & continue to do it every morning when I open my eyes... ::nods::

Oh! I'm thankful for everyone that takes a few minutes every now & then to even glance at this "blog."
I'm really enjoying writing it & if I didn't get such positive feedback I would have 86'd this agesss ago.
I'm looking forward to new & interesting things to discuss! stay tunedddddd

fightoffyourdemons*

"'The Devil & God Are Raging Inside Me' was released 5 years ago today" -@brandnewrockfan

Impossible.
I remember listening to this album on repeat for hours on end the day it came out, but has it been 5 years?
No way.
5 years ago I was an awkward college freshman - I remember that well - but has it really been that long?
Anyone who knows me knows the role that Brand New has played in my life since I was 16years old...& lets not even talk about how long its been since I was 16 -sigh-
So! when I think of 'Your Favorite Weapon' and 'Deja Entendu' I think of being a sophomore in high school and hearing "The Quiet Things..." for the first time. When I think of 'The Devil & God' I think of the whirlwind of a year that was 2006 & how amazing it is to me that I made it out alive.
& to think its been 5 years? & I'm still surviving?
It blows my mind.

I think its pretty safe to say that any human being has their issues - we all have our demons whether we are open about them or not.
Some of us are weak and some of us are strong. Some of us choose to fight while some of us let our demons take hold.
At the time Brand New's tagline (im not sure I want to call it that, but I am blanking out on all other words) became a really big part of my survival - i had it written all over everything that could be written on, it was my desktop background ya know? it was present. very present. I needed to see it and believe it and feel it because I was weak and susceptible to giving up but I made a conscious decision to fight and I've been fighting ever since.

Of course every day is different - some are better than others etc... but thats why its nice to have something so simple that can guide me, that can remind me.
I kind of had a rough weekend - mentally & emotionally - & learning today that its been 5 years since this album and reflecting on what it meant to me then & continues to mean to me now is definitely going to help me get through the rest of my week.

If you're fortunate enough to not be in the retail business its a very very short work week - use your time off before or after thattt huge dinner you'll be eating to reflect ::nods::
what are you demons? fight or flight? what is something you can use as an aid? ya know? to get you through those tougher days...things like that!

I would also suggest listening to degausser**

& what do you know? on Sunday Brand New is playing Huntington, LI & guess who has tickets? ; )

Good luck!

*fight off your demons
** track 4 aka one of my favorite songs of all time!

"This Is Only Temporary." (Repeat As Necessary)

Its Monday. Enough said.

In my opinion Mondays can only go 2 ways:
1. If there is a something- be it a god, universe, spirit animal, ::insert religious/spiritual belief here::- it will go by as quickly & as painlessly as possible. Don't expect too much out of a Monday. I think the most we can realistically ask for is that Monday rapidly becomes Tuesday.

2. It is going to suck [for lack of a better term]. Come on...its Monday. None of us wanted to wake up before noon right? Do you expect me to believe that you actually wanted to roll out of bed & into the shower at 6am? So don't be surprised when someone says the wrong thing to you before you've had your morning coffee and it completely ruins the rest of your day. Did you stub your toe? rip your stockings? Spill a hot beverage all over your suit/uniform etc...? Well its Monday so you knew this would happen ::nods::

When I caught myself mouthing my "stay calm & carry on" -esq mantra - "this is only temporary" - before 9am I knew I was going to be stuck in that option 2 ditch for the remainder of the day. All it took was for someone to use the wrong (condescending) tone with me to send me into that internal, completely mental panic. it usually starts with a "why is this my life?" followed by a sigh - not too deep of a sigh because I even lack the motivation for something that effortless. Whenever I feel myself sinking deeper & deeper into a monday i just repeat "this is only temporary" until I believe it which usually doesn't take too long because unless life is one big lie it HAS to be temporary.
I didn't go to school for 17 years for this to not be temporary did I?
I'm not memorizing over 200 vocabulary words in a little over a month to take "orders" from college dropouts (& i mean this in the least offensive way possible) for the rest of my life am I?
theres just no way
so
again
"this is only temporary, this is only temporary, this is only temporary, this is only temporary" repeat, repeat, repeat, repeat...

And when things do become "permanent" I hope that this wanting to get through my days and my weeks and my months as quickly as possible passes.
I hope this for all of us.
Most Mondays come with a flurry of "is it friday yet?"-esq comments and statuses.
We all share that desire to just go immediately from Sunday night to Thursday night/Friday morning
because we soooo dread what we have to do throughout the week.
But if we keep living this way. If we keep living going about our weeks without the positive emotions and without enjoyment because we do not love what we do we will soon come to the point where we have no more days, weeks or months to flail through & then what?
because we damn sure can't go back.

My resolution
and my recommendation for us all is to do whatever we can to get to a place where we can enjoy every single day - If its Monday we absolutely can not wait for Tuesday! and Wednesday! and Thursday! Skipping a day by mindlessly & robotic-ally "living" through it will no longer feel like a survival tactic it will feel like a waste! - like you're missing out on so much! and if you absolutely loveeee what you do you won't want to miss a thing! right?!

can we do that???? can we try at least????
maybe not today because its Monday
but!
tomorrow! TUESDAY! yes?!

"Did you see that customer I just had? I wanted to cry..."

, he said.

"No," I responded in my naivete (let us pretend all the accent marks were where they should be). "What happened? Was she mean?"

I was expecting a quick story about a "guest" with a nasty attitude - given our location only a half block away from burberry & balenciaga that wouldn't surprise me, but what my new co-worker said next totally did...

back to the story!

me: "what happened? was she mean?"
male coworker: "She had a Hermes bag. oh my god. & when I asked her how she was going to pay she took out a black card. oh my god. I almost cried. It was so inspiring."
me: ...

uhhhh

male coworker: wow
me:...wow.
but for completelyyyyyyyy different reasons.

Hmmm how do I go about the rest of this post without sounding like a snob?

Let me start by saying that this is the same coworker who on our first day said that it was one of his dreams to work on 5th avenue & how he had to call his friend right away to tell her he finally did it.

And so I propose this question:
What are your dreams?

I mean If one is going to have any Madison Avenue or 5th Avenue (or even Lower Broadway) dreams wouldn't it be to shop there? [& by shop there I mean with a "just throw it in the bag" state of mind and pocket]
Does one really aspire to work on 5th avenue?
and maybe its the 4 year age difference & the fact that I've already got a degree, but should a woman coming with her Hermes bag to swipe her black card for a couple cashmere sweaters inspire me to go back to school so that I can then buy a Hermes bag, get a black card, and spend money on a couple cashmere sweaters?
Realistically I'd be in too much student loan debt to even afford a coach bag, ya know?
& reallyy? you want to cry because this woman is so "inspiring"? maybe we have two different definitions of inspiration. We have no idea what this woman has done in her life to have a designer bag and an american express card. She could have just lucked out and showed up at the right harvard business school party at the right time. Does that mean you aspire to marry rich? I mean granted this woman could be independently wealthy. She could be one of the best business women to ever live, but until we know for sure is her "success" anything to cry over?

I'm no fortune teller, but lets say I don't foresee any birkin bags in my future...does that mean I wasn't inspired enough?

I kind of want to sit that kid down and just explain life to him. I need to tell him that hes got it all wrong.
or maybe i'm the one who has it all wrong? I really don't know, but I really don't think so.

Let us all re-evaluate what inspires and motivates us.

Also!
Let us take the youth (anyone born after 1989...with some exceptions) and re-educate them.

Dear Youth of New York City (I've got to start small),
I can save you!
...Just read this blog.
There is hope for you yet!

1st we will address your misguided dreams, and then maybe we'll have some time left to discuss why "I want to be able to run around & play with my kids" is terrible reasoning for why you actually plan to have kids before you're old enough to legally drink or even buy a lotto ticket (in some states).

"Are you waiting for someone?"

I was tempted to say "yes!" - who goes to concerts alone ya know?

Well as of thursday, I do ::nods::

I tried out the going to the movies alone thing & found that to be pretty harmless. I actually quite enjoyed it & have done it maybe 2 or 3 times - before noon because its wayyy cheaper ::nods::
I've even tackled eating in restaurants alone. I didn't think I could do it, but I did! & now dining alone is something I kinda sorta enjoy...but not on date nights!

Despite the baby steps I've taken away from reliance on a 2nd or 3rd party going to a concert alone was never ever on my list of things to do. How lonely ya know? & what would the packs of concert goers think of me?
This weekend I learned to shed all that insecurity!

Back in september when I found out that childish gambino tickets were going on sale in 2 hours I jumped at the chance to get a ticket, but first I did desperate companion hunting. I knew only 2 people in this world who'd be just as eager to score gambino tickets, but both my best friend & twin brother were hoursssss away.
Despite that I bought the ticket. I figured why miss out on the chance to see Donald Glover (for the 2nd time) ya know?

Cut to months later!
Chromeo tickets are on sale! They're playing the same venue as gambino in the sameeee weekend! What are the odds?!
2 of my favorite acts ever in town in the same weekend!
I hesitated to buy a ticket to that show because again I would be companion-less. I knew only 2 people in this world who'd want to see chromeo as much as I did! But again! Hourssss away! - curse you sasha & rudar!
The tickets sold out & I figured that was that...until! Only 2 days before the show they released more tickets! & before I could even register things my fingers were moving & my ticketmaster account was processing the transaction! A chromeo ticket was mine!

Was I ready to brave these two shows on my own?

Thursday:
I felt like I had been thrown into a pack of wolves. Childish Gambino has a pretty diverse fan base, but I felt like everyone there was 13 years old. There was one kid in a spiderman hoodie w/ matching fitted hat & packs of squealing girls that I can assume are from poughkeepsie or somewhere outside the city. There were couples...lotssss & lotsssss of couples! Varying in age. All super excited, all super loud. I sat quietly in line on the ground w/ my headphones in & cell phone in hand - observing everything.
Doors opened promptly at 7 & everyone rushed in. The of age heading to one of the 3 bars, the underage running to the barricade. I settled on a spot on the 2nd floor close to the bar & the bathroom & surprisingly close to the stage. It was my perch for the night.
I figured I'd blend into the crowd pretty well, but being alone at a show actually makes you stand out.
While waiting in line I had one guy asked me if I was waiting for someone. When I said no I didn't get the reaction I was expecting. His understanding was that I was some kind of super fan who just had to be at the show - which was actually true. But can't someone want to just enjoy some live music fan or not?
He welcomed me into his circle of friends talking to me throughout the entire wait, but once we got inside I ditched them...for the sake of my social experiment.

When you go to a concert with another person or maybe 2 or 3. Having to use the bathroom isn't really ever that big of a problem, but when you're trying to save your perfect spot at a sold out show, being alone isn't ideal. Fortunately! There was a nice couple right next to me who was totally willing to hold my tiny spot while I ran to & from the bathroom (& the bar...only 1 light beer! I've seen enough episodes of disappeared to know that drinking too much at a venue in a sketchy part of town isn't the best decision one could ever make).

Finally at 8pm on the dot! DJ SoSuperSam started spinning! She's the cutest most "swagged" out asian I've ever seen & her set was a good start to the night.
9:15 on the dot?! Childish hit the stage! & once he started it was pretty easy to forget that you were alone or that you were there with a ton of other people. It was all about him & the music! For an hour & a half none of the 3,000 people at Terminal 5 even spoke to another person they were too busy staring at the donald in awe & screaming the lyrics to his songs.
It wasn't until 10:38 that we all came back down to earth & started talking to the people we came with
Or in my case found an ATM, bought a tshirt, & promptly found the exit.

Saturday!: Chromeo!
It didn't surprise me that the line wouldn't be as long because chromeo wasn't scheduled to go on stage until 10:30pm but I wanted to secure my perfect spot from thursday which I did! There are benefits to showing up early!

As I set up at my perch P-Thugg was on stage setting up! Breakbot was scheduled for 8pm so that was another benefit (youtube their song baby I'm yours & fall in loveeee)

The most awkward part about going solo or being a "lone wolf" as my brother so lovingly put it is the waiting but like I said before once the music starts it doesn't even matter any more.
Unfortunately, my perfect spot wasn't so perfect. I ended up surrounded by a really obnoxious group. One girl kept bumping into me & touching me & spilling her drink all over the floor - my dirty looks did nothing to deter her obnoxious-ness. Don't get me wrong I'm all about having a good time - but can you please stop caressing my thigh? It was not at all surprising to me -but apparently surprising to all her friends- that 30 minutes into the show ms. obnoxious was puking all over herself & eventually passed out on the ground by my feet. She didn't wake up until about 45 minutes into the chromeo set, so he had about a 2 hour nap.
So obviously with the source of my annoyance passed out in her own vomit, my night got wayyyy better!
Breakbot's set was great! - anyone who opens with some funk, coasts with some classics, and closes with 10 crack commandments is okay in my book!
After breakbot came Mayer Hawthorne who I had neverrrrr heard of but who I am now absolutelyyy in love with!
please youtube his song "just ain't gonna work out" orrrr his version of "gansta luv"
The studio versions do him no justice - you have to see this man & his band live!
I'm always pretty weary about opening acts that I've never heard of but this was a very welcome surprise.
and finally...right on time...Dave1 & P-Thugg...CHROMEO!
Do I have enough time to go into how amazing this show was? I really don't.
but I will say this!
If I could go to a Chromeo concert every night I would & I would pay for it every time & if I had to...I would go alone!
because like I said once the music started, that was it! no one had a word to say to anyone else unless they were shouting the lyrics to bonafied lovin'.
I felt like I was in a daze - & it wasn't entirely because of the second hand smoke from the illegal substance the tweens managed to smuggle into the venue.

So what did I learn this weekend? I am stronger than I thought I was - more secure. The old me never would have gone to a concert alone. I like this new me that is more concerned about not missing out on something great ya know? It was a pretty good feeling. Yes I got a lil lonely between sets & I had sooo much to say about all the great music, but all in all I'd say I actually enjoyed it!
& Its definitely something I'd suggest.
Next time Benny Mardones is in town & you justttttt can't miss it b/c you belt out "into the night" at karaoke...Try it out! : )

"dieeeee, internet generation kid, dieeeee"

Those are the exact words my dad said to me when I had a panic attack about our modem just dyinggggggggggg on us on thursday.
& why in the 21st century does it take an internet service provider 4 days to have someone come out & replace a modem (and the outside wires that somehow got all messed up outta nowhere)?!
So what does one whose laptop is pretty much glued to her fingertips do without internet connection for 4 days?
1. make many attempts to steal wireless from neighbors
2. cry about those failed attempts.
3. nap.
4. discover new television channels (i.e. CLOO).
5. extra GRE prep.
6. nap.
Oh and I worked a couple shifts at the "store" in between there...

I wish I could say that I went out & lived life & was way more productive without the internet, but thats just NOT the case. I had so much to do - emails to send out, applications to start. It was such a set back, but i've got a brand new modem & a faster connection...i'm ready to hit the ground running!

But I also did a lot of thinking about what I used to do before I became so dependent on the internet.

Remember when all we had was AOL dial up, and if our mothers/fathers/sisters/brothers/etc... needed to make a phone call that was pretty much it for our AIM conversations? What did we do when we shuffled off to our rooms? homework? day dream? wait patiently until the longgggg (& seemingly unnecessary) phone convo was over?

____

oh & a lovelyyyyyyy shout out! & graciassss to Maike who gave meee a lil shout in herrrr blog ::bows::
check it out *HERE*

...& my head already feels like its about to explode.

My brain hurts.

-end post-

No but really. I'm less than 48 hours into the graduate school application process and i'm already kinda, sorta completely over it. Its been almost 6 years since my undergraduate application process, and that was cake compared to this, and back then I had no idea what I was doing.
Not only do I have to write the required admissions essay, but I also have to seemingly pull 15 pages of "nonfiction prose" out of thin air.
This is what I get for deviating from my original plan.
Original plan: MFA in Creative Writing
New plan: MA in Publishing & Writing
I've already got about 60 pages of fiction just sitting around on a flash drive.
I dug through my undergrad notebooks and was able to find about 6 pages total of some mediocre essays I wrote for my sophomore year nonfiction workshop.
Its going to take some real talent to turn that into anything I'd want anyone reading...ever.
& as if that wasn't enough of a bump in the road to my master's degree, I also discovered that this program is one of the ONLY liberal arts/writing programs to require the GRE!

My reaction: "NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!"

& my face for the next 51 days will look something like this -> O_O as I spend almost all of my free time reacquainting myself with the dreaded standardized test, memorizing vocabulary, & trying to acquire the intermediate math skills I failed to acquire many many many times before.

Needless to say I've got a lot to get done in a very short period of time.

GRE test date: December 15
Application deadline: January 15

How will I get through this?
By:
1. Taking deep breaths
I'm prone to getting overwhelmed pretty easily & quickly. I've got to remember to just breathe.

2. Giving myself a lil more credit
I've really got to stop freaking out. Its as if I haven't done this before and that is so not the case. I've taken many a standardized test & I have written many an essay. So why am I feeling so overwhelmed? Possibly because its been almost 2 years since I've had to do anything like this? Part of me regrets taking so much time off...but I think I can do this. Actually I'm pretty certain I can do this, I just have to...get out of bed.

"Studying" in bed has proved to be somewhat impossible since my body is seemingly programmed to just shut down as soon as it hits my mattress.
I'm going to try sitting indian style on the floor, and if that doesn't prove to be better for me & my quantitative reasoning skills then maybeeee i'll try sitting at the desk...baby steps.

Wish me luck!...because I reallyyyyy need it.

A [Blind?] Leap of Faith

It was as if the universe was just waiting for me to finally take things into my own hands. He/She/It wanted me to stop talking, take a quick break from the planning, and actually DO something...so I did...and so it did.

What drives someone to quit their job at 4am with no backup plan? - no money saved (which i still cant believe) & no job lined up?
I wouldn't even advise my worst enemy to do such a thing, but I did it & it was not the smartest move i've ever made,but it was a move & thats what counts right?
I was scared, and then I was anxious, and then there was the regret and the panic! the "what am i going to do now?", "how long before i run out of money?", "what happens when I run out of episodes of Psych, The Office, & 30 rock?" How cruel would unemployment be to me this time??
After the panic came the realization that the move I made, while kind of stupid, was just what I needed. I'd been telling myself for days that I had to do something drastic & the universe agreed. Driven by professional frustration & a need to get out of a 15 month rut I resigned.

I kind of had to trick myself into believing that everything would be okay - everything would work out. I only kinda sorta believed it at first.
I then told the universe that if He/She/It would take the wheel from here I would be eternally grateful, eternally thankful - forever in its debt.

But first! I had to put some more work in...

What drives a person to submit a bunch of online applications & send out a couple resumes at 7am?
[I guess the same thing that drives a person to resign from a job at 4am, yeah?]


so check this out!

7am: complete & submit application at __________.com
8am: finally fall asleep after working 8pm-4am, getting home at 6am, [panicked] job hunting, & breakfast making
10:30am: get woken up by a call from the aforementioned _____________ & having a quick phone interview where a second interview is scheduled

really universe? results? already? I was so grateful.

Cut to the next day.
(only 34 hours after resigning from the only job I was able to get fresh out of college**.)

A nervous & desperate yet confident me getting interviewed...& hired!

What universe?? now you're just showing off! How can I ever repay you?!

I don't think anyone I frantically tex'd (an acceptable past tense form of text - google it) or emailed that night would have thought things would turn around for me as quickly as they did - I still can't believe it. Its like this whirlwind! Luckily I have the week to recover.

I'm so so so ready to start over & I'm glad its happening so soon.
I'm gonna use this new opportunity to plan better: more saving, grad school apps, etc...

I haven't felt this excited or motivated in a ridiculously long time.

Its...refreshing.


** & to that place i have to say "its been real. maybe a little too real."

Vice [Vahys]

noun
1. an immoral or evil habit or practice. Synonyms: fault, failing, foible, weakness. Antonyms: virtue.

[Unfortunately] I think its pretty common knowledge that I enjoy a good happy hour. I like adult beverages & I like spending as little money as possible - but I guess doubling up on the beverages kind of defeats the purpose right? I digress...
While I wouldn't call my affinity for $5 margaritas "immoral" or "evil habit" I do think it is definitely a bit of a weakness.

If you're 21+ & living in NYC I think you've discovered by now that even though you think you've found all the bargains, "going out" is pretty expensive! Every $3 well drink, every $4 draft, every $3 PBR can/Whiskey Shot combo definitely adds up.

I've been trying to save up for ummm about a year now? and I've struggled and it blew my mind because I'd never had such a hard time.
When I was at school in New Hampshire I was making significantly less & had more money to my name then than I do now that I'm making twice as much. How is that possible?

Yes I have to factor in things like transportation ($108 monthly metrocards) & the amount of money I spend on food in Times Square, but I also tend to just throw money at waitresses & bartenders like its nothing. I justify it by saying "wellllll I like it sooooo", but like really? I know this "lifestyle" is financially draining yet I have just refused to make the necessary cutbacks.

Well no more!
I've decided I'm taking a little break.
My initial time frame was from now until January 1 2012, but if it can last longer than that why not? When I became a vegetarian in 2005 I had absolutely no idea i'd still be one now in 2011.

Not only do I need to do this for my bank account, but I kind of think I need to do this for me. My fondness for coconut flavored rum has taken on a bit of a negative connotation and I don't like it one bit.
This is not something that should define me so if I have to distance myself from it for a lil while I'll do it. I shouldn't feel bad about anything I do ya know? and I think in order to get back to place of feeling good about my decisions I need this break.
It will be somewhat of a detox - cleansing.

I'm excited about this decision I'm making. I'm excited to spend my time working on other things & I'm excited to save.
I'm excited to start over.

...& as for my other vice, shopping, ehhhh...i mean we can't walk around naked right?
&
you can shop online at zara now

this is about baby steps people ; )

On Learning To Be A Little More Selfish & A Little Less Hard On Myself

1. On learning to be a little more selfish

What factors do you consider when attempting to make life decisions? What do you keep in mind when considering important "moves"? How much of the final decision is actually yours?
When I look back on some of the major decisions I've made, I don't see that much of me in them, and I'm not quite sure how to feel about that. If I didn't make those decisions for myself then for who/whom [ugh, my grammar sometimes]?
I guess to be fair I haven't had to make that many important decisions. I guess the biggest ones so far?
1. Where to attend high school
2. Where to attend college
3. what to study in college
4. Grad school or no grad school?
I chose a good high school, I chose a great university (although I didn't think so at the time), & I chose what I believe to be the perfect major for me.
I think my biggest screw up so far was deciding on "no grad school." But I guess in my defense I needed a break. 17 straight years of school? Like can I relax for a bit? And most of those years were pretty overwhelming! But I guess when I look back at it now uhhh I'd rather be up writing papers all night in some campus library than folding tanks tops & running "go backs."
I guess where I am not being selfish enough is in the decisions I have yet to make - the decisions that will help me get out of the situation i'm in.
Why haven't I seriously considered moving out of state? Wouldn't that be one of the best moves I could make? New York City is "bringing me down", its draining my bank account. I love it, but I just can't afford to be here right now. so why not leave? Am I thinking too much about missing my friends? Am I thinking too much about missing this city that completely draining in so many ways? I know for a fact that most of the people in my life would make what they considered the best decision for them without hesitation. Isn't that the smartest thing to do? Why am I always so willing to put myself on the back burner?

that being said. . .

2. On Learning to be a little less hard on myself
I don't think there is anyone more critical of me than me. If it was up to me I don't think I would exist.
I don't know where this distorted self image comes from, but I feel like I've always had it. I guess maybe it developed some time during my awkward teen years. Maybe I'm stuck in this like perpetual "awkward teen year"
The very few times that I was able to step outside of myself & look at the things i've done in my 23 years I've been pretty pleased, but I will always think I've never done enough. I will always feel like I am incapable of doing more. I need to find a way to move forward. I need to have a more positive self image.I'm not sure if this is something that will come with time.
I've just got to start believing that I am not all that bad. I'm pretty okay right?

twenty-three.

"Amazing still it seems/I'll be 23/I won't always love what I'll never have/I won't always live in my regrets. . ." -Jimmy Eat World, 23

I had been 16 for about 5 days when the album Futures by Jimmy Eat World was released. Of course - being as angst-y as I was & still am - I could relate to the album, but could I really understand it?
23 is the last song on the album. Now 8 years later & newly 23 I think I can fully understand most of the songs lyrics. They relate to my life more than my 16 year old self could have known.
In the past 8 years I've done a lot of loving what "I'll never have", and I have more regrets than I like to admit.

I am nowhere near where I thought 23 year old Rudine would be. I don't know if its because I dream too big, because I have these almost fantasmical visions of how the life of a twenty something in New York City should be or if its simply because I have no "follow through".

23 - I don't think many people give that age much thought.
18, 21, 25 = early majors
22-24 are those in between ages.
I think I can equate age 22 most to that "post grad limbo" I often refer to, and I think that's why I'm so looking forward to 23.
I think I will spend 23 fixing things and if all goes according to plan I will spend 24 living the life I only dreamed of living at 22, and then I'll spend 25 curled up in the fetal position and crying because I am now a quarter of a century old - eek!

Happy Birthday to Me! [& my twin brother! - present in the picture that accompanies this post!]

I expect only the best & thats because I am going to take an active role in making it "the best"

Currently Reading

But first!

I finished Downtown Owl by Chuck Klosterman the other night, and it kind of meant more to me than I could ever really explain...but I will try.

I used to be such a voracious [had to use it! - one of my fav words. mostly because it ends in -ious) reader - meaning I used to read A LOT. I have boxes of books from my elementary school days: nancy drew series, sabrina the teenage witch, sweet valley high, babysitters club...& I have most of the books from my teen years: gossip girl series etc...
& then theres the trunk in the basement filled with all the contemporary lit I started compiling once I hit college - both the required reading & the books I read & re-read for pleasure...
There was something about assigned books that sucked the love of reading right out of me at times, but I was always able to get that back come winter break.
When I got The Brief Wondrous Life of Oscar Wao from my brother for Christmas a couple years ago I woke up one afternoon a few days later & read & read & read until it had been almost 8 hours & i was done (i had to break for meals & a lil interwebbing obvi).
Thats the kind of reader I was but then I lost it. I think maybe around the same time that I lost my motivation for most other things like ya know...life? Its been a long time since I've done most of the things I used to love to do so when I finished Downtown Owl in just a matter of days (maybe weeks but I mean I was only reading on the train soooo hmmmm 1 hour commutes to & from work for about 2 weeks...days...maybe even less than 24 hours soooo possibly even 1 day?) I felt this overwhelming sense of relief. not accomplishment. relief. I felt like my old self again and even more so when I got home & immediately took my bookmark* out of Downtown Owl & put it into The Corrections by Jonathan Franzen which I am already loving.
You know that really anxious feeling you get when you're getting wayyy too close to the end of a good book?
I can't wait to feel that again
(I almost stopped reading Downtown Owl because I didn't want it to be over...ever).

so yea...baby steps ::nods::

Shout out to strand -one of my favorite places everrr- for having both books for less than $6 each!
They are both great ways to ease myself back into 2666 by Roberto Bolano, a book that I have been reading for about 3 years now.

Oh & really, girl who kicked the hornets nest? when are you going to be released in paperback so that I may read you??? The hardcover is 1. too expensive 2. too heavy** & 3. will mess up my collection of the millenium triology in paperback!

*more on my awesome bookmark to come ::nods::
** e-books? we will discuss...

Snooki Is A New York Times "Best Selling Author"

This fact might lead some to think "well if she can do it I can DEFINITELY do it!"
All it does is cause me to ask myself "Why bother?"
I will be the first to admit that Jersey Shore is one of my guilty pleasures. Until recently I tuned into that show religiously & was known to watch the same exact episode a couple hours later just so I could be entertained all over again, but do I think Snooki should have 2 published books before I do? Absolutely not!
Its bad enough she's getting paid thousands of dollars an episode to do things that must of us do for free every weekend, but now shes reaching & even surpassing my life goals? before me? How dare she!
I've known since I was 10 years old that I wanted to write novels for a living. I filled up a 1 subject 70 page notebook with a terrible mystery story starring all the members of my very small 5th grade class & read it over & over again victoriously, thinking "this is what I want to do always."
It wasn't until yearssss later that I found out that only about 1% of writers actually get published.
Devastating right?
At first, it didn't phase me, but the fact that Snooki & her busty companion J-Woww are both now in that 1% phases me.
I spent 4 years of my life writing & re-writing-learning & perfecting my craft-and its possible that nothing will come of it.
Snooki & Jwoww? all they had to do was tan,give themselves ridiculous nicknames, & get drunk on public television & Presto! Book deal!
So again I ask myself "Why bother???"
What does it say about the industry when Snooki is a new york times best seller?
Who bought this book? I'd like to meet them...I just have a few questions.
Would they ever read my books? Would I want them too?
How long did it take snooki to write this book anyway? A shore thing, a "novel" about 2 girls at the shore for the summer - how original? how...creative?
Do I sound bitter?
I'm a little bitter...

"Phew, for a minute there I lost myself, I lost myself..."**

Have you ever just woken up one day, looked yourself in the mirror, and asked "who am i?"
Lately I do this all the time. I'm never really sure who I'm asking. Am I asking myself? That's definitely a question I'm struggling to answer right now.
There is one place in particular that I walk into everyday & I can feel the change. I become a different person and I'm starting to notice it now...and i'm starting to hate it. I'm starting to hate her. Who is this girl??? so blatantly inauthentic. Would I even be friends with this girl if she wasn't "me"?
What has changed exactly? and why?
I think that what bothers me most about this other girl is that no one knows the difference between us. They have these presumptions now, these notions, these expectation (good & bad). They think this girl is the real me & she's not. She's an imposter.

I used to be pretty sure of who I was & who I was going to be. Now I don't even know.
I miss the knowing.
Yes some of the change has been good & sometimes its okay that some of the lines are blurred
But theres still something about this girl that makes me uneasy, uncomfortable.
I don't like her reputation. I don't like the decisions she makes.
I think I like her best when she is dormant, but I think I'd definitely like her better if she didn't exist.
I think I have so much more to offer than she does, and I may even be a bit more sane...as much of a stretch as that is.

I think its safe to assume that we all have felt this way at some point in time...kind of lost.
Feeling like we've lost ourselves.
Wanting to find them again.

Can I reintroduce myself?*

* Yes, as soon as i wrote this "allow me to reintroduce mnyself my name is HOV..." started looping in my brain.
**Kudos to anyone who knows what song this is from.

Keep Calm & . . .

This is me keeping calm: "Breathe. It's ooooo-kay. Everything is ooooo-kay. Relax. This is just temporary. You got this. You can do this."

This is me freaking out: "why is this my life? I can't do this. I don't want to do this. I've changed my mind about this entire life thing. Can I start over? I can't start over?!"

I could easily insert those conversations I had with myself last night into the conversation 27-30 year old Rudine will be having with herself during childbirth.

Where was I going with this again?
oh!
I've come to realize that freaking out is easiest for me. Trying to keep calm takes too much effort, too much coaching, too much faking it. Freaking out for me is more authentic. I think i'd kinda freak people out if I wasn't freaking out...ya know?
It would kind of throw things off.
How do I get "calm" to be the norm for me?
I am pretty convinced that a "calm" way of life would be better for me but one can never be too sure. I think I would miss that whirlwind of chaos I can so easily create for myself.

What could be more motivating than having the kind of night I had last night? Not wanting to feel that way ever again is the best motivation.
&
how fortunate to have a British WWII motivational poster as an aid?

I Want to Be a Pan Am Girl

I really do!

I will just come right out & admit that it is largely in part because of the uniforms.
I love them! Who wouldn't want a girdle, torpedo bra, & awesome bowling bag? - you can fit EVERYTHING in there! or at least everything you'd need for a cross continental trip.

We all know (maybe not all but ya know) that i'm obsessed with the 50s & 60s (& 70s & 80s).
Camelot!
There is something that is just so glamorous about it all. Where is the glamour in American Airlines or even Jet Blue?
Imagine being able to travel all over the world but first! you have to meet all the requirements. The thrill of the competition intrigues me! Imagine the feeling those girls got when they were chosen to be a pan am stewardess! (imagine the disappointment they felt when they were not chosen...YIKES!)

Of course I have just finished watching the first episode of Pan Am on ABC and one of those fictional pilots described the girls as having "an impulse to take flight."

and that is totally what I have right now - an impulse to take flight both literally and figuratively!

What attracts me to these girls is that not only were they the right age, height, & weight, not only did they have a beautiful face & spoke three languages, but they all had their own personal reasons for becoming a pan am stewardess.

What would my reason be?

I think it'd be to get unstuck. To see everything I want to see. To face my fears. To find myself even? To be apart of something that is bigger than myself...

and again...the uniform!

but since I can't run off to Pan Am Headquarters in Midtown, Manhattan circa 1963
what can I do?
hmmmm...

A Playlist For Girls [& Guys?] Like Me

Some would describe me as a bit of an "old soul" - I love old movies, old books, & old music.
If it was made before 1988 I probably love it more than anything produced in this past decade.
I have, on numerous occasions, expressed my desire to be in a 1960's girl group [specifically The Ronnettes...more for the beehive hairdo & super thick eyeliner and less less less for both the business & personal relationship they had with that looney tune phil spector], but I think if I could go back even further I would want to be a Billie Holiday, Ella Fitzgerald, or Anita O'day. And if I couldn't be one of them, I would settle for being some twenty-something fanatic who related [maybe a little too much]to the sadness. I would follow them around [in the least creepy way possible], trying to convince them that I too was as tortured [as they seem & in most cases were] in some kind of desperate attempt to get them to accept me...but i digress.

So here a few of these songs that I love. Listen to them on rainy days and/or lonely nights [as they seem to be most effective at those times]:

I'm A Fool to Want You - Billie Holiday
Anita's Blues - Anita O'Day
Sunday Kind of Love - Ella Fitzgerald
I Love You, Porgy - Nina Simone
Fool That I Am - Etta James
Stormy Blues - Billie Holiday
Ain't Misbehavin - Dinah Washington
Sentimental Journey - Doris Day
I Never Meant to Love Him - Etta James
It Was Written in the Stars - Ella Fitzgerald
My One & Only - Sarah Vaughn
I Don't Know - Ruth Brown
The Very Thought of You - Billie Holiday
Stormy Weather - Etta James
Someone to Watch Over Me - Ella Fitzgerald
Come Rain or Shine - Billie Holiday
&
A BONUS!
Be My Baby - The Ronnettes <--- I had to!

Enjoy!

A Lesson in Patience?

I've been trying this "new outlook" on life thing. I am trying to be positive & I've been trying to stay in a consistently good mood.
Keyword = trying.
I started my day in what I would describe as a pretty decent mood, and I expected it to only get better or stay consistently "decent"...it did not.
It was kind of like hitting a brick wall. I was fine, and then I wasn't. I was moving in a positive direction, and then I stopped suddenly and completely, and it seemed as if there was no way around this "wall" so I stopped trying.
Then the flooding started.
Theres this book that i've been reading & using for over a year now. Its called "stop overreacting" Its this book about controlling your emotions, and flooding is when something/someone/some situation triggers a flood of thoughts that leads to some kind of overreaction [i feel like i didn't explain that in a way that makes any sense at all...read the book].
anyway
so then the flooding started
pI think they call it flooding because you ended up just struggling & drowning ya know?]
and it left me completely incapable of having a fully functional day.
I was in a really negative place and I'm disappointed that I let myself get & stay there.
I think I was being tested. I think I was supposed to turn that bad situation I was in completely around & I failed.
I didn't take the time to really think things through before I let it all get the best of me.
There was definitely a way around that "wall" & If I had just been patient I would have found it.

So what did I learn today?

Yes, I'm trying, but I've got to try harder.
Well played, universe, well played

"I am so happy & grateful now that..."

What makes you happiest? What will make you happiest?
What are you most grateful for? What will you be most grateful for?
"The Secret" teaches that these questions can be asked interchangeably, and that your answers to these questions can and should be the same.
For example, If back to back episodes of yo gabba gabba would make me happiest, I would wake up & say "I am so grateful now that there are back to back episodes of yo gabba gabba on nick jr today..."

ok

terrible example, but
1. I'm not ready to get too specific with what would make me happiest
2. yo gabba gabba does make me really happy sometimes ::nods::

but you get what i'm saying right?

Despite the fact that you don't have these things yet, be grateful for them now - be happy about them now & that feeling of gratitude and happiness will manifest.
::nods::
You will attract these things.
They will be yours.

It is Monday and I always view Mondays as the best day to just start over.
Not happy with the way things are going?
Start fresh. Change your way of thinking.
That is exactly what I'm doing today.
I meant to write & post this in the morning, but I kind of just rolled out of bed after being there for about 21 hours, but hey! there are still 7 hours left in the day...
totally enough time to manifest some great things.
also
Yo Gabba Gabba is available for streaming on netflix.

What Would Oprah Do?

Its something I often ask myself.
She is my unofficial guru [ice-t being my official one], and if I want to get really crazy I say she's kind of like my own personal Jesus. I want to be her. I want what she has. I want it all. I can do without the fame, but the wisdom, the confidence, the money?!
You know when someone is just so great at what they do? When they just do it so effortlessly that it seems unreal and you just want to ask "whats your secret?"
Oprah is just great at living, and when people ask "O, what is your secret?" I'm sure she'll say "hard work, determination, perseverence..."
BUT! she may also admit to using a lil bit of "hocus pocus."
I'd heard about "The Secret" after that episode of the Oprah show dedicated to spreading "the good news" about the secret, what it did for oprah, what it did for rhonda byrne, & what it could do for "you", but it was not until i'd reached one of my lowest points that i'd even given it any serious thought. It was 2008, and I was curled up in a ball in my bed in my lonely single dorm in Manchester, New Hampshire. I was sad, I was lonely, I was "depressed" (cut to 2011 & i'm still all of those things but not to that degree...). Mostly I was fed up with the way things were going for me & I wanted to do something about it...but what could I do? Then I remembered "The Secret."
I requested the book from the library & spent the next couple of days reading & learning all about the "law of attraction". It explained to me that all that I was feeling - all the sadness, the loneliness, the depression etc - I had brought on myself. That was pretty difficult to accept. Why would I want to feel that way? Why would I want to be in that bad situation?
I wanted to stop reading then, but I didn't.
Yes, I was bringing this negative energy into my life, but I could definitely turn that around. I could attract good things. I could attract positive situations. I could get anything I wanted. Not only could I get it, but I deserved it.
So how does one go about getting everything they want? anything they desire?
Fake it. You kind of have to play this game with yourself. You want a new car? Sit down in a chair & pretend your in that new car. Not only do you have to pretend, you have to believe it. Believe that is your new car & eventually you will find yourself sitting in that new car. get it? I didn't get it at first. I thought it was crazy talk.
They also suggest making "visualization boards". I cut out pictures of everything I wanted and put it on a board in my room & i looked at it every day. I pretended I had those things. I believed they were mine, and can you believe it actually worked?
In a short amount of time I had those things. I remember being hesitant -as i always am - so I started off slow. I wanted this guy to add me on facebook (terrible right?) so I visualized it & it happened! I couldn't believe it. It kind of freaked me out actually. It was working for me! Something was working for me!...but then it STOPPED! it stopped working. Why? i was skeptical. I thought I had given myself to it completely. I wrote little notes around my room, I posted pictures everywhere, I had direct quotes from the book [& documentary]...I was OPRAH! but there was always some doubt stored away there in the back of my mind, and you can't do that! you can't doubt, not even a little bit. You have to be strong, and strong I was not.
But i'm ready to try again ::nods::
I'm at that point again. That very low point that drives me [back] to this "hocus pocus."
I need to channel my inner oprah [& ice-t]!
Do you think I can do it?
Who wants to attempt this with me??? anyone??? anyoneeeeee???

thesecret.tv
look for the movie/documentary on NETFLIX instant ::nods::
or
hit me up for a digital copy ^.^

The [Beautiful*] Elephant in the Room

While it is my belief [& the belief of all others in attendance] that Elizabeth & Davon's wedding wanted for absolutely nothing, there was still a void - a void that went unaddressed, but certainly not unnoticed.
As I sat at "Table Kingston" with my siblings, my niece & nephew, & my father I couldn't help but feel the absence of my mother.
We managed to go the entire weekend & wedding without even discussing my mother's death, and can you blame us? The very mention of her name, whenever I see her face I am just overcome with this gloom, and who needs that at a time of celebration?
But as we celebrated I couldn't help but think of her. She would have loved to see her first born married. She would have loved the ceremony, she would have loved the reception, she would have loved the open bar! (don't worry, mom, i loved it enough for the both of us).
She would love her new daugher-in-law...of that I am sure.
But what I am surest of is that- third only to Elizabeth & Davon - she would have been the best dressed.

I always wondered what it'd be like to have to celebrate these major life events without her, and I have to say it wasn't too bad...but then again, it wasn't my wedding day.
While we were able to carry on without her this weekend, I'm not sure I will be able to when [if!] it is [ever] my turn. I am not that strong.
I miss her everyday. Sometimes I just want to tell her minor things. Sometimes I just want to talk. Sometimes I just want to walk into her room in the middle of the night, kiss her on the cheek, and cuddle her while she's fast asleep.
What will happen when I need to ask her all I need to know about being a wife? A mother? A human being?...I still have all these questions about being a woman, and it's been rough figuring it all out on my own.

It is amazing to me how quickly 5 years have gone by.

Today, September 13, 2011 would have been her 62nd birthday, and trust me when I say she wouldn't look a day over 35.

I can only hope to age that beautifully. I can only hope to be half the woman that she was & will always be to me.

Happy Birthday Mom!

*I am almost certain that my mother would not have liked being referred to (even metaphorically) as an elephant so I added the beautiful to ease the blow...but I mean she was beautiful right? Gorgeous even.

"What makes you hopeful?"

Surprisingly enough this question is not too difficult for me to answer.

What I witnessed this weekend makes me hopeful. My brother's wedding was the most normal thing to happen in/for/to my family in a very very long time. I think the closest we ever come to complete normalcy is when we have Christmas dinner, and even that is a bit of a stretch.

This weekend gives me hope that there is more "normal" to come.
I want it for all of us, but I know that I need it the most.
There is this [naive] part of me that longs to go back in time. If I could relive ages fetus - thirteen I would. 10x over. I would. I was so innocent [oblivious really...], so naive, so happy, so normal. I'd give anything to get that back, to feel that way again, but somehow they have talking toilets & robots in japan but have failed to really get that time travel thing going.

So what can I do?

I can make attempts to get obtain/attain (?) that normalcy here in my "adult" life...maybe?
Will it take a lot of work? Yes.
Is it even possible? Yes.
Can I do it? Eh...?

What do you think? Can I do it?

"Never Forget."...but how could we?

No one needs to tell me to "always remember."
No one needs to tell me to "never forget."
Forgetting what happened on September 11, 2001 is impossible.
What happened that morning & all the days, weeks, months, years that followed continues to affect our day to day.
Its in the way we think, the way we perceives others, the way we perceives ourselves...it is most definitely in the way we travel...

It was the first week of 8th grade. We were sitting in class when an announcement came over the loud speaker. Planes hitting the twin towers? what? what kind of idiot pilot slams into a building like that? what an unfortunate accident!...thats what we were thinking.
I was also thinking wow. I've been to the world trade center before. My aunt worked there. My mom worked there. I figured there was some damage done, but it never crossed my mind that it could be serious...
but then it got serious because another announcement came on that another plane hit the second tower.
It was getting "all the way real."
In the hours that followed parents started picking up their kids. There was just this cloud of panic in the air.
I knew my mom was home. She worked at WTC, but had been out on disability for awhile.
I figured my dad might be home too as he had been working nights...and i waited for that call to the office. I was waiting for them to call for my brother & I to head to the office to go home, but that call never came. I, being only 13, remember huffing and puffing the 5 minutes home, annoyed that no one had come to get me. I walked into the house and saw my parents glued to the television...i was pissed. If you guys are home why didn't you come get us? you're just sitting here?! blah blah blah
then I remembered my aunt...she worked at WTC...on the 100-something floor...they hadn't heard from her all day.
Here I was concerned about being picked up...how selfish of me right? but I was so young & naive.
I didn't really grasp the seriousness of this all until my brother & I tried to watch tv & even cartoon network was tuned into the news.
where was I going with this?
oh right!
ok! so...my aunt (as some of you may know) is alive & well. We didn't hear from her all day, but thats because she was walking from manhattan to queens. She was late for work that morning & her train pulled into WTC just as things were getting crazy so it didn't even open the doors...it just took them elsewhere & let them off...
to put things into perspective
because the towers were so tall, and because the elevator rides were so long they formed elevator groups. My aunt missed her elevator group that day. As the story goes, everyone in her elevator group died.
9/11/01 is impossible for her to forget.
my sister's friend who worked down there was running for his life. He turned around to help some people. He got trampled to death.
9/11/01 is impossible for his friends & family to forget.
My mother left everything from her cubicle there. pictures of my brother & I, a tv radio...all things that I had seen & touched.
9/11/01 is impossible for me to forget.
9 Years later I was getting onto the E train. I looked down & saw a lunchbox under the seat. I moved to another seat. I watched as everyone walked onto the train, saw the lunch box & avoided it. It was just a lunchbox. Someone was probably lunch-less now...but we take no chances.
9/11/01 is impossible for us to forget.

this was kind of rambly, but I hope you got the point.

whats there to be nervous about?

uhhhh...how bout everything?

A couple months ago [weeks ago?] when my older sister asked me if i'd be interested in reading something at our older brothers wedding my initial thought was "NO!" & then it was "ABSOLUTELY NOT"...of course I didn't say exactly what I was thinking. I just respectfully declined. why? because i'm a bit of a "p-word" (to be completely honest). I DO NOT do public speaking. I remember stumbling, fumbling, flubbing, & sweating my way through mediocre speeches in my public speaking class - fortunately that semester we had a unusual amount of snow days & most of my assignments ended up being written & written I do very well!
But getting up in front of more than 2 people & reciting something? no thanks...
normally that would be "all she wrote" in regards to me speaking publicly
but then
my brother asked me himself.
YIKES
ru the p-word showed up first & respectfully declined - as she was pretty much born to do...but I was slightly hesitant which I had never been before.
I started thinking
and thinking and thinking and thinking
about how this wedding, my older brother's wedding, is the first of its kind for this family.
How could I pass up participating in something so significant & just so normal? and because I'm scared?
I couldn't help but think "what would my mother do?" or "what would my mother think?"
She would go up there & read the ish out of that passage - thats one.
& She'd want me to stop being a "p-word" thats for sure.
Maybe this isn't the best time to try & face my fears, maybe I should have started slow?...but if not now, when?
So i'm going to spend the next couple of hours psyching myself up.
I'm going to trick myself into believing that i'm going to be awesome.
I'm wearing flats, so i'm going to be as comfortable as possible.
I should wear my glasses so when I look up it'll all be a blur...
hmmmm...picture everyone naked?
that could get awkward.
I'm gonna speak as loudly and with as much confidence as I can muster.
"Faux Swag" as I like to call it.

If I had just manned up and karaoke'd all those times getting up and reading about 15 sentences would be cake...
but i'll be fine right?
Whats there to be nervous about?...right?

"Say no to everyone but your mother."**

I had a tranny palm reader tell me that last night.

She walked over in an outfit that glistened from head to toe. I was skeptical as I always am, but also very scared. Things like that -psychics, clairvoyants, magicians, people in costumes - scare me. I never know what to expect & there is a part of me that needs to know what to expect, but not what I should expect in the long run...ya know like something that a tranny psychic would say.
As I watched and listened to her/him accurately read my friends palm [despite the fact that he had given her/him the wrong sign] my curiosity took over. I had to let it happen. I had to know, so I tentatively gave her my hand...
She showed me my love line & whatever she called that line that symbolized (is that the word im looking for? probably not...) my career.
The first thing she said to me was

"you're in a position to get everything you want, but you're procrastinating."

I was sold immediately. She went on to tell me that I was unhappy in my current living situation, that i was unhappy at work, she told me that when it came to my love life that I didn't want for admirers, but i was picky...again TOTES ACCURATE, but i didn't even need to hear the rest of that stuff.
I was completely convinced of her legitimacy as soon as she told me I was procrastinating...
Is that not what has been on my mind these past couple of weeks? months?
Have I not been wanting to change? to procrastinate less?
I need to really get things going - for real this time...

...because if hearing it from a tranny palm reader isn't motivation enough I don't
know what is.

**oh & about that "saying no to everyone but my mother"...i totally get what he/she means. I can be too much of a "yes" woman sometimes, that desperate need I have to please everyone, but myself...time to start saying no, and saying it to everyone but my mother shouldn't be too difficult for me at all.

State Your Purpose

Its labor day already? Where did summer go? Where did 2011 go?

My facebook newsfeed is filled with "back to school" statuses: "back on campus!", "moving in!","senior year!", "first night back!" & while there is part of me that is glad to be past that point in my life, there is still that other part of me that wishes I was stocking up on 5 subject notebooks, mechanical pencils, multicolored post its & highlighters [school supply shopping was always my favorite].

There came a point in my senior year when I had to decide whether I was going to start that dreaded graduate school application process or take the easy way out (turns out the easy way? not so easy at all). After 17 years of school in a row I decided I needed a little time off [I was also under the impression that, degree in hand, I would be able to find a Monday-Friday 9am-5pm, weekends & holidays off dream job with the greatest of ease].

So I gave myself 1 year - I figured that was pretty standard. This year off would give me time to figure things out ya know? to relax, to job hunt, to apartment hunt, and to give the necessary time and energy to applying to grad school.

So here I am its been over a year now & I'm not going back to school this fall. I missed all the deadlines I needed to make in order to be starting a MFA program this fall & I really have no one else to blame...so what do I do? The only thing I can do is start now, but that is already proving to be a little difficult for me.

There are 3 schools on my list [more about those schools to come] & they each ask for the same things:
recommendations, transcripts, resume/cv, literary analysis
and then they ask for a "personal statement" [UGH]
500+ words of me talking about myself? theres too much room for that to end up resembling some kind of self deprecating blog post
and as if thats not bad enough
one application actually asks me for a STATEMENT OF PURPOSE. how dare they?! I don't know what my purpose is! Trust me things would be a lot easier if i did & I mean if I'm applying to your program my purpose is to obviously attend your program...DUH?

But in all seriousness...I don't know what my purpose is. Its something I struggle with everyday. What am I doing here? What do I want to do? What is my plan? and ultimately What is my purpose? Not only in applying to a MFA program, attending that MFA, [hopefully surviving it and] receiving that MFA, but also what am I going to do with that MFA?
What am I going to do with my life?
Its a question I've been avoiding for some time now, and I'm not feeling all that great about being somewhat forced to face it, but I mean now a days if I'm not forced to do something I won't do it at all.
Maybe its time I stop running away from this? Maybe its time I face this head on?

Maybe its time I state my purpose?