The [Beautiful*] Elephant in the Room

While it is my belief [& the belief of all others in attendance] that Elizabeth & Davon's wedding wanted for absolutely nothing, there was still a void - a void that went unaddressed, but certainly not unnoticed.
As I sat at "Table Kingston" with my siblings, my niece & nephew, & my father I couldn't help but feel the absence of my mother.
We managed to go the entire weekend & wedding without even discussing my mother's death, and can you blame us? The very mention of her name, whenever I see her face I am just overcome with this gloom, and who needs that at a time of celebration?
But as we celebrated I couldn't help but think of her. She would have loved to see her first born married. She would have loved the ceremony, she would have loved the reception, she would have loved the open bar! (don't worry, mom, i loved it enough for the both of us).
She would love her new daugher-in-law...of that I am sure.
But what I am surest of is that- third only to Elizabeth & Davon - she would have been the best dressed.

I always wondered what it'd be like to have to celebrate these major life events without her, and I have to say it wasn't too bad...but then again, it wasn't my wedding day.
While we were able to carry on without her this weekend, I'm not sure I will be able to when [if!] it is [ever] my turn. I am not that strong.
I miss her everyday. Sometimes I just want to tell her minor things. Sometimes I just want to talk. Sometimes I just want to walk into her room in the middle of the night, kiss her on the cheek, and cuddle her while she's fast asleep.
What will happen when I need to ask her all I need to know about being a wife? A mother? A human being?...I still have all these questions about being a woman, and it's been rough figuring it all out on my own.

It is amazing to me how quickly 5 years have gone by.

Today, September 13, 2011 would have been her 62nd birthday, and trust me when I say she wouldn't look a day over 35.

I can only hope to age that beautifully. I can only hope to be half the woman that she was & will always be to me.

Happy Birthday Mom!

*I am almost certain that my mother would not have liked being referred to (even metaphorically) as an elephant so I added the beautiful to ease the blow...but I mean she was beautiful right? Gorgeous even.