dear november. . .

a new month!
don't you love it?
i started it byyyy...paying rent (my new nemesis) & waiting for the comcast guys
who restored my cable & internet & snapped me out of the daria-coma i've been in for 3 days.
it felt like weeks.
here i am complaining about the tree in my backyard taking out my 1st world privileges while there are people in all over the east coast with no where to live.

i'm just a product of society.

since my cable was out i didn't get to watch the 24hour news coverage of what was going on back home, but i got plenty of updates from friends & family and all I can say is that I am so glad I was not in new york to experience the "devastation" as my dad likes to refer to hurricane sandy, but I kind of wish i was there just to be able to survive that crazy storm with my city that I love so much, and miss so terribly.

i know a lot of people - both personally and via facebook - who doubted this storm, who criticized people who thought to get prepared and for those of them who are in the tristate area I hope they've learned to stop being so cynical and to take things a little bit more seriously
& for those here in boston where all we got was some wind and fallen trees & wires...we are very, very fortunate.

new york city will survive hurricane sandy, i'm not sure sure boston could have survived...

***

things I learned during my time off the grid?
that i'm more inclined to work on my assignments when I have nothing but my own chaotic thoughts to distract me.
and that
coming home to no internet is not exactly the end of the world.
it was nice in a way to know that I can survive being so disconnected


***

its national novel writing month & i haven't written a thing in yearssss and so i'm challenging myself to work on something. i'd love to see myself through on a short novel...maybe even something full length?
lets not get cray <--- thats crazy w/o the "z" check out the "NaNoWriMo" facebook page to participate! lets write books! & then publish them ourselves! because I know how to do that now!...or I will come the end of december

***

On monday when I lost my main connection to the outside world, I panicked and decided I couldn't possibly concentrate on homework...instead I decided to read for pleasure! it'd been soooo long since I was able to do that. I got through about 70 pages of NW by Zadie, but life has gotten in the way again. I need to make a conscious effort to spend time refreshing huffingtonpost.com & reading in bed like I used to when I was 11.

***

i want so many things for november.

&

i'm going to get them????


what about you?

p.s.
i'm really making a super conscious effort to give this blog some focus & not it being the rambly thoughts of a very confused twenty-four year old...
suggestions?
fashion is super over done
and i guess so is writing?
i'm fielding ideas!

come january this blog will evolve.

titles just aren't my thing.

i haven't posted since october 10th because i've been trying to come up with a title for this one...

jk

no but really.

sometime between then & now i turned twenty-four & i still have no idea what that means...other than that next year i'm turning twenty-five.
i don't feel any different really which i hear is the norm.
was i really expecting to physically feel the difference between twenty-three & twenty-four? yes, i was...i still am.
i think i have noticed slightly more swelling in my feet in the last two weeks ::nods::
***

that moment when you get an assignment back from your professor & it has a note attached that basically says "calm the eff down"

i heard a rumor about a rumor that grad professors really only ever give As; i'm starting to think its true because i handed in an assignment that i was pretty certain i was going to receive a F on, but instead there was an A- & the aforementioned not telling me r e l a x

and A-? how? i thought maybe he was just a super easy grader -and he very well might be- but then i got another A-, when i was absolutelyyyyyy certain [even more than i was before] that I wasn't going to get any higher than a C+
how??
i've been feeling extremely overwhelmed by trying to balance work, school, and sleep & i thought i was failing at it but maybe i really do just need to relax because apparently i'm doing a fine job (i have my first midterm & a huge project due in 3 days & i'm probably jinxing myself here but...)

***
& these are some things that have been on my mind...

1. justin timberlake got married & a little part of me died inside. JT was never my fav;he's actually my least favorite, because he broke up nsync & ruined my life...i digress
but still...wasn't he just 17? wasn't i just 10? married?
it was comforting to know that chris [kirkpatrick] was there because it means that although nsync doesn't exist the way they used to anymore, they're friends. i've heard rumors that they weren't all there...hmmm...

2. i saw the weeknd live. it was amazing. it felt good to be at a concert. it'd been awhile. the house of blues boston is an amazing venue. it was my second show there. loved it. next up?! NAS! & [assuming she doesnt get all crazy & not show up] lauryn hill.

& this is what i'm listening to these days...

1. kendrick lamar {DUH!}
2. the lumineers
3. losing you by solange
4. the new coheed & cambria <--- it is a must hear!

& here is what i don't have time to, but should be reading

1. NW by zadie smith
2. this is how you lose her by junot diaz
3. gone girl by gillian flynn

***
i'm going to start yoga-ing again next week.
if you don't hear from me
come look for me collapsed on the streets of boston.
i don't think my body has ever really heard of "muscle memory"

***
& because i have to! a little bit on the election.
i've already voted
via absentee!
i just couldn't bring myself to vote in massachusetts.
even if you're not voting for who i voted for [*ahem* #FORWARD *ahem*]
get educated about the ISSUES
& vote. it really is an important thing.

...i will say this. it takes more than four years to clean up eight years of bush mess. just sayin!

also!
donald trump? really? not even my college has my college application & that was only like 6 years ago? how do you expect BO to have & release a 30 year old document that we don't ever have access to once its been submitted? isn't there some private island you should be frolicking on?

/end

r.

pre-winter blues?

I hate feeling like the decisions I've made are the wrong ones.
I don't know if its the weather or what, but i've been in quite the mood.
I miss the sun - warmth.
Being this cold makes me tense, and more anxious than usual.

I'm finally starting to really understand there not being enough time in the day.
I'm not the first person ever to attempt graduate school & working almost full time, so why does it feel that way?
Is there something i'm not sacrificing? I have nothing else to give. Sleep? I guess thats a possibility but I'm not nineteen anymore, I can't pull all night-ers like I used to; i can barely stay up past midnight on most days. Once my body hits my mattress thats kinda of it for me...& then I wake up the next morning, rinse, & repeat.
Is this why my mom used to wake up at like 5am? I guess you really do get more done if you wake up before noon...

I've got to find some kind of balance because I'm feeling all kinds of disoriented this days.
&
I have no time for the one thing that I know can get me back on track.
Remember when I used to go to yoga twice a week almost religiously?? 6 months of getting back in shape - mind & body have been erased by 2 months of school & work & school & work & excessively large bowls of pasta & much too much blue bunny birthday cake ice cream - if i didn't have a high metabolism i'd be unrecognizable...
but my bones ache in ways i've never felt before. i don't think i've ever seen my feet swell like this.

How does anyone do it? It seems impossible. There are actually people with full time jobs & children who still manage to go to graduate school? How? What do they sacrifice?
All I have is me to take care of and I am barelyyyy doing that.

I promised myself that when I moved I'd get more reading done - i've been reading Salvage the Bones for about 3 months now
I promised myself that I'd start writing again - I've barely been keeping up with this blog.
I promised to not get sucked back into the eat, sleep, work cycle that was one of my main reasons for leaving nyc, but here I am...

So what are my options?
I seemingly have none.
I'm not lucky enough to be one of those students who doesn't have to work - whose only job is to go to school.
I've given up so much already; all I wanted was to work for at least one of the emerson literary journals/magazines, but thats out of the question. what else can I give up?

Whats going to happen when this semester really picks up? cause I know that there is just so much more to come.

The secret teaches us that our thoughts become things.
I have this terrible habit of crawling back to the secret when I'm feeling at my lowest, but it does have this comforting aura - this way of tricking you into believing things can change just like that which is just want I need to believe sometimes.

So I turn twenty-four in just about three days
&
a present to myself?
a conscious effort at finding balance
&
instant cocoa.
its basically winter out there!

-r.

i always thought i'd have the chance to make it up to her.

years & years of homemade birthday cards that were always made with love & always greatly appreciated

but

she deserved so much more.

i can't tell you how many times since shes passed away that i've seen a shirt, a bag, a pair of shoes, a book & thought "mom would love that"
leopard print anything? done.

whenever i presented one of these handcrafted tokens of my love i'd be thinking one day, one day i will buy you everything.

and despite the fact that there is about $45.00 in my checkings account right now i'd have spent the past couple of days, maybe even weeks searching for the perfect gift - something she'd love, something she'd deserve to have because she really was the best she could ever be...at least to me.

& it really does hurt that i'll never ever get that chance.

i was sitting in class 2 nights ago and i couldn't help but think about her, about how this is all she ever wanted for me
about how im so much closer now to what i want for myself, & how its so unfair that she isn't here to share this with me...

blurgh.

all i can do now is hope that pieces of white paper folded in half with terrible crayola drawings of a rose or some kind of figure that was meant to be her was really enough and that maybe somehow she know deep down that i really wanted to give her everything.

happy birthday mom.

my professor & i? we're already on the same page ::nods::

*disclaimer: the following is a mish mosh of thoughts that have been rolling around in my mind today. it may at times read like one big run on sentence. forgive me.*

1.i'm pretty sure i finally get why people wake up hourssss before they really have to. i have always been a pretty firm believer in "i don't have to be here until this time sooo im not waking up until like 2 hours before.'
i didn't have class today until 6pm which in my mind means, "don't wake up until 3:45ish, snooze til 4pm, get ready, leave the house by like 5:15, run to class."
i couldn't do that today. i had to get up early and handle some cable business, grab some groceries, clean up a bit, eat, etc etc...
& despite the fact that i'm pretty exhausted now, i feel pretty darn accomplished.
i think i'll do this again tomorrow. maybe wake up around 9am [most likely 12pm] --- watch live with kelly & michael -- read a bit? maybe even...write???
the things i could do from 9am-6pm when class starts? imagine the possibilities??
sometimes i sleep all day & wake up feeling like i've wasted so much time. now that my semester has officially started, i won't have time to waste anymore. the days im not at work are the days i have class. i have to juggle work, school, and errands etc...ya know...life!
i'm not saying i'm gonna start waking up at 5am like my grandmother -- lets not get crazy, but im gonna at least try to be up early enough for breakfast! [probably brunch]*

2. my copyediting professor hit the nail on the head this evening. he is also from new york & when one of the girls in class said she wanted to do fashion magazine editing or whatever the hell her career choice is, he said "im not sure theres much fashion in boston. people wear gear here"
it took everything in me not to yell "right!?"
now i don't want to generalize especially since most bostonians aren't really bostonians at all, but there is a hugeeeee void, a lacking of fashions up here.
have you ever heard of jack rogers? because i haven't...before coming to boston i dont think i've ever seen a pair of these damn sandals but now? i've seen about 1,000?
why is everyone wearing the same thing??? and why those sandals??? of course i'm guilty of owning 4 pairs of toms, but those are awesome (i'm obviously biased).
i'm not saying the people here aren't well put together -- i have seen a couple well put together people but for the most part? boston is not very fashion forward -- even the drag queens here need some work ::nods::

oh & now that i'm taking a copyediting course this blog will seem a lot less like the ramblings of a hamster.

3. grad school is a different beast. i don't think i have spent enough time preparing myself. especially for sitting in a class for 3 hours and 45 minutes. good gawd. is this the true test of graduate school? to see how long one can sit in a classroom & not commit japanese ritual suicide?
i didn't wanna be that person in class with their eyes closed but i definitely was. i guess thats normal? i haven't been in a classroom about 2 & 1/2 years. it'll get better?
i'm totally ready to get to work though, the one thing i regret the most about undergrad is that i left half of what i learned go the second my final paper was handed in ya know?
i want to retain every single thing this time around & if that means staying awake for 3 hours and 45 minutes while my professor mumbles on about hypens then so be it!
i felt so much closer to a career in class today & i'm so excited to get there...

4. it dropped from about 75 degrees to 55 today in boston. geesh. its only september 10th. whats the deal? i need a winter coat!

5. i know its already 10 days in, but i love starting a new month. i am alwaysss needing to start over -- new month, new week, new day, new hour even! my goal for the month is to make it 10x better than the last. i have a tendency to run farrrr away from the last month, trying to forget it ever existed. thats not what i want. its more like a "oh hey remember how awesome last month was??? lets keeping riding that wave into the new month!"...
get it?
no?
blurgh

-end rant-

r.

*my life is one big contradiction

well that was fast...

safe to say that this was the shortest summer on record?

its already labor day, summer is over & what do i have to show for it?
barely even a tan.
how many times did i go to the beach? once.
how much patio drinking did i do? not enough...
this time next week i'll be preparing myself to sit through a 3 hour & 45 minute class for the next 14 weeks or so.

it being september 3rd means that i've been in boston for exactly a month now.
how have i changed since then?
i haven't.
at least i don't think...

i haven't completely given myself to boston so it doesn't surprise me that people can tell i'm not from here.
i have learned pretty quickly that not a lot of people are actually from here.
there are just as many transplants here as there are in nyc.
my theory is that they all come here to go to school & then they migrate to nyc to find work & housing in overpriced upper west side apartments.
its just the natural progression of things.

so how am i feeling about boston a month later?
pretty much the same way i was feeling when i first got here.
im not really sure.
im still getting a feel for things.
its kind of hard to really assess this situation when all i do is go to work, come back from work, eat, watching investigation discovery.
and my schedule is only going to get worse when classes start.
then it'll be
class, work, reading, work, class, maybe some food, not a lot of sleep, assignments, exams & repeat...


i've kind of promised myself that i won't let work & school be my life although it'll be a pretty hard promise to keep with winter being just around the corner & all.

oh wait! how have i changed since moving to boston?
i'm not a pc anymore!
totally not related to my move at all but
i have a mac now
& its another thing i have yet to get used to ::nods::
but despite what i've been told, it doesn't make me want an iphone ::nods::

my hopes/wants for september?

to get more acquainted with this city
to stop missing nyc as much as i do so i can be a fully functioning human being
to go back to being the best student that i can be
and to maintain a good school, work, social life balance ::nods::

i also want to stop being being afraid of the bums that live in front of the 7/11 on dartmouth & boylston ::nods::

a presto!

-r.

"you think you know, but you have no idea..."

so i've been working on this new york related post for a couple of days now, but i just couldn't get it right so i just haven't posted it.
i just erased the entire thing & im gonna start over right now.
this post is my reaction to the reactions of the empire state building shooting this morning.

any shooting is terrible. like...duh. any shooting that results in casualties is most obviously a tragedy...but something so much more tragic has happened in other states & cities around the world that what im seeing on cnn & even on facebook/twitter etc...is kind of
for a lack of a better term
annoying?

i'm a born & raised new yorker & i am as loyal as can be. i know what happens in that city everyday & i was never ever really scared. you can't live like that. i grew up in the bronx for goodness sake - what happened at the empire state building this morning happens in some parts of the bronx almost every day - and brooklyn & queens.

so now all of a sudden this happens in manhattan and cnn would like us all to believe that this is 9/11 come again. theres an eyewitness calling in saying that her parents thought she was crazy for moving to nyc after 9/11...really? where should she have moved? its been yearssss since something like this has happened in manhattan and based on what we've been seeing in the news over the past weeks, months, years it seems that no small town, city, state is really safe anymore.

if you're a real new yorker i can't even believe that this isolated incident would have you running scared. depending on where you live in this city you could be just at your local bodega buying bread & suddenly be in the middle of a shoot out.

just weeks ago a 4yr old was shot dead at a playground & i didn't see it all over cnn. i didn't see everyone saying how it was time for them to flee the city. if there ever was a reason to want to leave anywhere it'd be because children aren't safe at playgrounds anymore.

watching cnn report this shooting right now is almost sickening. she actually just said "the sound of a flatbed truck going over a manhole is enough to give people flashbacks of 9/11"...ummm that has NEVER happened to me...ever. i don't know what you're talking about lady on cnn but i actually feel pretty safe when i'm walking around the city.

according to the reports this man went after 1 person & ended up getting others in the process. within minutes he was shot dead by police officers.
that response time alone shows just how much safer nyc is now than it has ever been.

i think if this shooting had happened maybe 2 blocks over it wouldn't be news
but i think since this did happen in front of the empire state building that news sources everywhere were just waiting for the thumbs up that they could link this to terrorism and spend the next 10hours trying to scare everyone out of new york.

this post was originally going to be about some absurd new york related conversations i overheard on the "T" all week & about how this one guy actually tried to sum up new york city in the most stereotypical way possible...but all of that is really reflected in the reactions im seeing to this shooting that took place just hours ago.

new yorkers, in the grand scheme of things you guys are all relatively safe. 50 people are killed in chicago almost every weekend. that hasn't happened in new york city in a verrrrry long time.
this wasn't a terrorist attack. it seems it was actually a very isolated incident. despite what cnn wants you to think, you shouldn't be having 9/11 flashbacks right now.

as im typing this mayor bloomberg is on my tv screen saying that some of the victims were probably shot by nypd officers
so this isn't the mass shooting that the news would like you to believe it is.

it seems that 1 innocent bystander was killed and for that i am very very sorry

but lets not stereotype the entire city because of this...

/end.

-r.

*update*: cnn originally reported that 1 innocent bystander was killed this morning. that was obviously WRONG...much of what cnn reported initially was wrong actually...

its been 2 weeks...

& if i could stay in this bed & watch season 1 of girls over & over & over & over...i would.

that has nothing to do with how my time here in boston is going
but
maybe it does.

if i was in new york what would i be doing right now?

1. i'd still be at work because that store doesnt close until 8pm & i'd still be there straightening bags & hating life
but its thursday so maybe i would be out going out or something after
but
maybe i'd just be going home to crawl into bed hoping to stay there until something amazing was going to happen.

i'm always waiting for something amazing to happen.

everyone keeps asking me the same thing "how are you liking it so far?"
& i honestly don't know. i have no answer for that. i don't think i've given it a chance yet. i've definitely spent more time in bed, in & out of sleep, watching sportscenter than i have been out & about trying to get to know this place.

i've gotten into this really bad routine of just: eat, sleep, work
that i told myself i wouldn't do because the entire point of this move was to escape complacency.

i have just a few more weeks before classes start & then who knows what i'll have time for
so i've got to get out of this funk.

obviously im a ball of emotions and feelings and blah and blah
&
obviously i've taken to eating those feelings.
im about 3/4 of the way through a rather large container of blue bunny birthday cake ice cream & i'm kind of scared for my health.

living on this 3rd floor will definitely help but seriously i need to stop because soon i won't be able to fit into any of my clothes & i really cant afford to buy any new ones

i hope my next post is a bit more informative/relate-able & a lot less rambling twenty something.

-r.

Allston, Ma

it took awhile, but the 6 garbage bags i had spilling out of my closet are finally gone. everything seems to be in its place.
just maybe 2 more quick trips to the supermarket & i'll be as settled as anyone can be after an out of state move.

i'm going to skip over the emotional breakdown i almost had when i got lost on my way home from trader joe's with 2 bags of groceries.
why is it impossible to pick up a cab on the street here?
fortunately, i just did what any rational person would do & reverse my direction. my phone's gps was just trying to mess with me i guess...

i digress.

there is a branch of the public library right across the street from me. i woke up this morning afternoon looking most forward to running over there & signing up for a library card. i can't wait!

i've been doing a lot of walk around - which has been difficult in this 92+ degree weather but today is a nicer day & i have a few more things to pick up at the supermarket.

its amazing how much space one can get for such a low cost when you're outside of new york city.
i feel like any day now someone is gonna tell me that i owe 3x the amount of what we're actually being charged for this place. its amazing.

walk in closet? yes...i could live in there if i wanted to. i've already considered turning it into a safe room.

being within walking distance of harvard is pretty cool. lots to do & see over in that area...theres an urban outfitters! & tons of food. shopping & food are 2 of my favorite things.

hmmm what else?

and in the other direction? over on harvard ave? theres a buffalo exchange & more food! food & thrift shopping are 2 of my favorite thingsssss

so far i've been asked a lot if im liking it so far...its kind of too early to tell. i kinda still just feel like im visiting. i'm starting work tomorrow & school in a month so that will make all the difference.

all i can say so far is that i'm definitely not in jamaica, queens anymore...

oh!
&!
i had a sushi roll called the "green monster" yesterday & i wanted to hate it, but i couldn't...it was too good. i'll just have to rename it something yankees related ; )

a presto!

r.

2 days, 2 nights.

whats the rule for when you have too much to say?
is it that you just don't say anything at all???? because i have had just soooo much going on & just not enough words, not the right words to say so i've been silent...& its been super frustrating, but trust me you didn't want to be subjected to the many posts i've started and deleted since last week.

its july 31st.
tomorrow is august 1st.
i move on august 2nd.
is this real life?


it feels like just yesterday that i had just quit my job at 4am with no backup plan. it really is amazing what can be born out of self crisis. i decided to apply to grad school, registered for the GRE ASAP, & studied my ass off for a couple weeks...
i wrote some essays, got some recommendations, and waited.

& then the news came in the most unexpected way possible...a phone call? yes. a phone call.
& that phone call that i received on the like 2nd or 3rd day of a new job changed everythingggg...

how did i go from having no plan, no direction to being 2 days away from relocating to another city?

miracles? or rather "mirables" (as phil & lil would say)

its been a really long time since i've felt really good about anything.
and im feeling great about the moves im making now.

obviously its all very overwhelming.
i am currently looking all the piles of things i have sitting in my room
&
there is a dresser that needs to be assembled & i am quite scared of it, but these things aren't easy & i can survive the assembling of a dresser! ::nods::

i think my books make up about 85% of my possessions & im not at all sure where im going to put them all
but
i'll figure this all out

i just need to get there & thats happening on thursday.

& i can hardly believe it.

i've had a pretty busy last couple of days...there a ton of "going away" events in my honor, free shots, & awesome pizza.
im going to miss my city, my friends, my fam...
def won't miss the homeless dudes that live on the E train or the pigeons at jamaica center who will defecate on your head & not care.

...until next time (when i finally have internet connetion in my apartment)

i both learned & confirmed some things today...

i'm a bit of a news junkie. if there is breaking news i want 24/7 access to it. if there is something going on in the world that is deserving of this exclusive coverage, my tv is tuned into CNN. period. i'll even watch them loop the same anderson cooper interview over & over...its a bit of a sickness really.
what sucks the most about my insatiable appetite for breaking news? the fact that something terrible has to happen...more times than not, someone has to have died. someone or someonessss.

i woke up at 5:30am...it was one of those rare days that i had to be at work at 8am & the first thing i do when i wake up that early in the morning is turn on the news. i was expecting a weather report, not live footage of a movie theater in colorado where 71 people had just been shot while they were just trying to do what i'd be trying to do hours later...watch a movie.

shock. disbelief. confusion.

is this stuff still happening???? really????
every time something like this happens you kind of think "thats it."...who would think to try something like that again?
i don't get it.
& unless you have the same mindset as some of this mass murderers you never will.

so what did i learn from everything i've seen & read today?
people are sick. & theres nothing we can do about it. nothing. gun laws or no gun laws. evil is evil & it will always find a way. based on what i've seen today i'm going to need to see some kind of miracle to think otherwise.

something i confirmed today?
nowhere is safe. i'm a pretty paranoid person. im very anxious. perpetually scared of almost everything & everyone, but for some reason i never thought i'd have to be scared of going to the movies, but tonight as i sat in the theater waiting for the very movie that the victims of this "massacre" were watching last night, i had to fight really hard to resist the urge to just run out of there.

what now? i read something online tonight & someone said like now going to the movies is ruined for future generations.
true?
i don't fly. i can't say exactly what triggered this crippling fear of flying i've developed seemingly out of nowhere, but it lives & since this fear appeared in the years after 9/11 (although it has absolutely nothing to do with that) i've been told many many times that i have nothing to worry about because its safer to fly now more than ever.
so should we say the same for the movies?

movie theaters across the country were probably the safest places to be today...but what about when this all dies down?
you don't even have to take your shoes off to go through airport security anymore (in some places)
so what happens when there aren't 2 police officers positioned in the theater lobby?
what then?

& why should we have to live with this anxiety??? how unfair...& what does this murderer get? yes, he will get prison time & we will all get justice, but right now while the police still try to de-booby-trap (O_o) his apartment he is getting all the glory he wanted.
i read a tweet today that said
"what if we treated these shooters the way we treat the people who run across baseball fields - don't release their names or pictures?"

which brings me to the other thing i confirmed today:

news people are ruthless. i used to want to be a journalist but im glad i didn't go that route because i just don't have it in me.
there was one shooting victim (grazed by a bullet...alive) who was from brooklyn, nyc. the local news here found his apartment in brooklyn & stalked his roommate trying to interview him. when they couldn't get to him they interviewed the neighbors that barely knew him. dude was alive and well & tweeting pictures of his bloody tshirt - what could you possibly want to know from his neighbors? & when it was clear that they didn't know anything about him other than that he rode a skateboard...why not scrap that story?

they are so greedy, almost desperate for news. probably to appease the people like me, but even i know when a line is crossed, when enoughs enough.
they hunted down the shooters parents, followed his father through the airport.

cnn has been interviewing this one girl ALL DAY. shes been on tv in the same twilight tshirt ALL DAY. i know its her choice to stay there & keep telling & retelling her story, but for goodness sake let her gooooo.
let her goooooo...she should be talking to a counselor, not to don lemon.

geesh.

in conclusion.
at the end of the day, being in the movies, watching the dark knight rises was actually a pretty good escape from the reality of what happened...but i couldn't help but cringe every time the bad guys starting shooting something up...
(NOT a spoiler. its batman. bad guys are always shooting something up)

-sigh-

this is our reality now.

*i don't really feel like proofreading this one. this is as rambly as rambling gets.

r.

this really could just be the heat exhaustion talking...

me: i'm watching this thing on arranged marriages. this pakistani muslim american girl who is 28 was sooooo frustrated & tired of dating that she actually went back to her parents & asked them to find her a husband...

b2: thats gonna be me

me: NO! we must NEVER get that desperate

b2: at this rate we might have to!


unfortunately, b2, you might be right.

so like most single girls my age i was home in bed watching OWN - we all know how i feel about Oprah right? - & the lisa ling show "our america" came on after dateline & the subject of this episode was "holy matrimonies"
the show followed 3 couples - devout christian, muslim, & hasidic jewish - who went the way of faith based arranged marriages.

they also followed one woman as she went backwards a bit. she is 28, muslim american, living on her own miles a way from her family. successful, independent, and she was getting to the point in her life where dating just didn't seem to make sense anymore. she started to feel like finding a spouse on her own was impossible so she decided to ditch a bit of her independence and go back to her parents to find a life partner.

was she really feeling the pressure to be married that much? at 28? yes, she was & i can obvi understand it - a good chunk of the girls i went to high school with are either engaged, married, or have a kid & we're only turning 24 this year. despite not wanting ANY of those things for a VERY LONG time, i mean it'd be nice if i had the option ya know?

but i don't & apparently if i keep going at this rate, im gonna end up 28 & alone & in search of a pakistani matchmaker.

now im pretty sure this is only because its 93 degrees in my room & my insides are boiling down to mush, but the idea of an arranged marriage doesn't seem like too bad an idea.
we know the divorce rate right? 50% or something like that?
well most arranged marriages last longer than what we consider to be conventional marriages
& based on what i saw tonight, its not just because divorce is completely unheard of in these cultures.

i think it has to do with the fact that despite having only known each other 4 months (& in the case of the muslim couple, had only met in person 2 times) or 6 months or what we all consider to be a really short period of time to know someone before we commit to spending the rest of our lives with them, they get to bond over the fact that they've only known each other for 4 months, they've never been alone with another female/male EVER, they've never touched, never experienced alllll the things they will experience together for the rest of their lives.

if that doesnt bring 2 people together, what will?

they talked a lot about how faith trumps love or how their union that is sanctioned by their faith, by their "God" can only lead to love...how there was no way they could have known love before finding the other half that their scriptures and their elders talk about so deeply. that all makes a lot of sense to me.

when you marry someone based on their faith & how it holds up against your own, there is no way that marriage can ever cease to exist because as long as you have your faith you have your love & i totally get that.

now being the girl of very litte faith that i am, im probably never going to get into a faith based arranged marriage...

but maybe as i get closer & closer to that age where my biological clock is hitting snooze way too many times & i feel the need to marry for the first thing i see, i'll keep this 1 hour documentary in mind.
it wasn't the kind of response to arranged marriage that we're all used to seeing on tv.
they were all very happy! happier than most married couple who actually spent 2 years with each other & decided that despite all their difference they'd get married anyway...

they may not have loved each other on their wedding days, but they've grown to love each other & seemingly will always love each other & i guess thats the most important thing?

i guess all im saying is that my future husband better feel exactly the same way i do about the 90s or its just not going to work. if he can't understand why i'm still slightly devastated by lance bass coming out of the closet then we just can't be together. we need to be on the same pageeeeee

no but really. when you google arranged marriage or anything like that you see a lot about couples being "forced" - none of the couples on "our america" were forced into their marriages. they all chose to go this route & they have a wayyy better chance of having their marriages last than the rest of us...
i kind of felt happy for them & lord knows "happiness" is something i NEVER feel for couples.

now please excuse me while i eat these oreos before they melt.

-this has been the late night ramblings of overheated twenty something-

a lil something on vulnerability...

"whoever you are, wherever you are...i'm starting to think we're a lot alike. human beings spinning on blackness. all wanting to be seen, touched, heard, paid attention to..."* -frank ocean

i woke up this morning to twitter news that frank ocean had "come out of the closet".

obviously i was surprised. i don't think that any of us, the ones that do not know frank ocean on any kind of personal level, would have had any idea of these truths he's been struggling with for years now.

after the surprise came this overwhelming happiness for him. he wrote at the end of his statement that he feels like a free man. i can't even begin to imagine what this must have been like for him - being a young black hip hop artist and a bi-sexual/gay man in the spotlight. he was featured so heavily on watch the throne, novacane & swim good were all you could everrr hear on the radio at one point, he has legions of females who'd give anything to be serenaded by him. what a risk he took with his new album, what bravery!

2 reason that i am extremely jealous of frank ocean:

1. have you read his "statement". it was something originally meant for the thank you's for the new album, and its one of the most beautifully written stories i have ever read. as a frank ocean fan i have obviously been privy to his writings but this is not a song. this is a piece of prose that i think rivals that of most "professional" writers. i'm not sure james patterson or one of this ghost writers could write anything so beautiful. i know snooki definitely couldn't.
so much talent in one person. its unbelievable. in enviable. i am currently green with envy.

2. what makes his words so beautiful? how honest they are, how real they are. can you imagine being so straight forward with complete strangers?**

i wish, i wish, i wish...

i've always thought that my fear of being too honest has always held me back as a writer. everything i've ever written has been so surface its nuts. even this blog only represents a small percentage of what i'm ever really thinking, feeling, or going through...
i don't like being vulnerable...EVER & i think thats something you have to sacrifice if you ever want to create something real.
even in fiction.
writers write what they know, what they've lived. even if it isn't a verbatim account of their first relationship there are bits and pieces of it spread throughout the relationships of their cast of characters.
one of my biggest fears as a writer is that everyone will read my books and then have access to every awkward or private moment in my life.

i don't plan on being a crime fiction writer, so for the most part i'll be writing about life and what life do i know better than my own? so obviously anything i write will be rife with my own feelings and as of right now thats something i'm just not comfortable with.

we all have our secrets, and while they may not be anything as heavy as frank ocean's, we are still entitled to them.
i obviously think there is nothing wrong with keeping things to yourself, but all i am saying is that as an artist i am extremely conflicted.

so what does this mean for me as a writer?
i guess i have a couple options...

i can work on that baby sitters club spinoff series i've been meaning to get around to since i was 10
or
i can get comfortable with spilling my guts to friends, family, and complete strangers.

i guess the one good thing about my fear of vulnerability is that my family won't ever have to worry about the release of some tell all memoir disguised as fiction - i wouldn't do to them, anything i wouldn't do to myself! lol

frank ocean gets it, a lot of real artists get it. channel orange is one of the most anticipated albums of the year, frank ocean was well aware of the attention it would get and im sure he just wanted to give us all something he could be proud of not only in the quality of the music, but also in its content. i think he has just gotten to a point in his life where he just couldn't be proud of this work if he wasn't entirely true to himself.

his honesty today is super commendable and i can't wait to see what happens next. i hope he continues to receive the kindness and respect he deserves. he took a hugeeeee risk today and its something i think all artist can learn from...

-r.

* one day i'm just gonna very openly plagiarize this ::nods::
** all the frank ocean is gay rumors started this week because of how honest he is in his new album, channel orange - using hims instead of hers

but...like...when can we expect the development of teleportation technology?

seriously!

I can't bus it back to nyc every 2 weeks to get my $20 mani/pedi! its just not realistic. i mean OF COURSE i know there are nail salons in boston, but i don't know what to expect. I know that when i walk into NAILS i can expect to be greeted by a unintentionally angry sounding korean lady in a cat apron asking me what i want & telling me to "pick a polish!".

Sometimes they can be a lil harsh, & almost always complain about the lack of a tip from some customers ( i always tip!...so they don't hate me), but its the treatment that comes with a $20 mani/pedi with the good nail polish - totally worth it!

is there a 50% off sushi place in boston? because there are tonssss in lower manhattan! yes, they sometimes have a B rating & sasha b. & i totally saw someones soup come from down the street but i mean its 50% off! i almost neverrr want to pay full price for sushi again!

eyebrow waxing??? NEVER!
eyebrow threading??? ALWAYS!
& its just right across the street & nipa always doesss a great job! im not entirely sure that her name is nipa but the shop is called "nipa's eyebrow threading" & shes the best one so it MUST be named after her. i loved being recognized, i love the dirty but desperate looks the other ladies give me because i alwaysss wait for her to be done threading some womans chin despite how available they are.

these are the things i will miss!
but i guess this what comes with relocating. since i plan to actually make boston my home *gags* for the next 2 years & not just the place i live during the semester, i'm going to need acceptable substitutes...

& obviously i'm going to need a lil help!

i need!

a nail salon

an eyebrow threading spot

a hair salon (i'm black! soooo lets def keep that in mind)

a yoga studio (i currently pay $0 for yoga & until yttp gets their act together & opens up a studio in boston i'll have to actually pay something now but lets try to keep the cost as low as possible)

a cheap BUT good sushi place - last time i was in boston i went to that JP seafood place with jo. it was actually really good but NOT 50% off sooooooo...

hmmm what else?

a thai restaurant --- its my favorite food!

a doctor, a dentist...a therapist? (JK!...O_o..)

i'm sure this list will continue to grow.

this is why i'm moving a month before classes start. before i start living in libraries & books, i'm going to need time to explore & get comfortable. i think once i have all my routines in place i should be aye-oh-kay!

so, boston-ers, your help is greatly appreciated!

-r.

& now all of a sudden its july 1st...

& i don't feel as prepared for this move as i should, but i know that i am currently as prepared as i can be, definitely not mentally & emotionally but the other important factors?

place to live?
check.
job?
check.
tuition paid?
check.

things definitely haven't been going smoothly, but i am surprised by how well i've been handling it all. obviously i've had some freak outs but a life with out anxiety induced freak outs is not my life.

so now i've got exactly 1 month left.

& i can go on & on & on about how bitter sweet this all feels. but i think i've done enough of that already & i've got to save something for my august blog posts ::nods::

july is going to be one heck of a whirlwind.

i've got to juggle working, planning, furniture shopping, & spending time with my friends/fam...

i'm a ball of nerves, but im focused!
95.9% of this move is on me - i'll be spending the next 4 weeks making sure i don't fail.

failure = not an option.

stay tuned!

-r.

& this is why i won't be buying the july issue of gq, etc...

in this post, i will address 3 things:

1. the july issue of gq
2. michael jackson's death & how it affected me (i will try to be as brief as possible b/c this topic could really go on for ages & ages &pages & pages)
3. "baby one more time" & how it continues to affect me

here goes!


1. so there i am - in grand central station - minding my own business, trying to find track 108 when i walk past a news stand. instantly i start looking for the new issue of gentleman's quarterly & it didn't take me very long to find it. the cover is kind of hard to miss - it is the issue every man has been waiting all year for - a cover girl instead of the usual cover guy. its the special july issue - red, white, & blue everything. the cover girl? kate upton. blonde bombshell hair, barely there bikini top, fire cracker popsicle, tongue on said popsicle in the most suggestive of ways.
"RED HOT AMERICAN SUMMER"
i was disgusted, but i couldn't look away - which i guess is the point?
i felt betrayed.
how in the world could gq do this to me?! i look to that magazine for comfort & refuge & to know what men are wearing, reading, thinking not to feel bad about myself! couldn't you pick a more homely looking girl? did it have to be kate upton & her giant breasts? do they not make bikini tops in her size? is it even legal to have so much side boob on the cover of a magazine? innocent children have access to this cover ya know!
somehow i managed to stop staring into her eyes & saw that this issue also included a bit about "the greatest team in the history of sports". it was the only reason i even touched the magazine. i opened it up & found the article about the dream team & started to read...& then my hand slipped & the magazine closed & as i tried to find the article again i flipped to the page that had a half naked kate upton staring up at me suggestively [yet again], her hands the only thing covering her nipples & i scowled and shoved the magazine back onto its shelf.
"BLURGH!"
you win, gq, you win! i officially feel like shit because i will never look like kate upton in a bikini. it wouldn't surprise me if this issue was your best selling issue to date & i refuseee to be a part of it.
instead i will use that money to start a special savings account that i will call "funds for my plastic surgery to look like kate upton...or for the pints of ice cream i will consume as i sit at home & cry about how i will never look like kate upton"
something like that...

2. where were you when you found out that michael jackson died? i was in the flat iron building, or rather...on my way out. on my way home from a long day of interning. i'd been texting with a friend who told me MJ was dead & i didn't believe it. so i called my dad to confirm & he told me it was ridiculous. probably a rumor. theres no way he was dead. i hung up & headed home. i remember feeling kind of somber, weird on my train ride. everyone was quiet. nothing unusual happened which was very rare for the nyc subway. & then i was waiting for the bus when my dad called & said that yes, it was true michael jackson was dead.
what causes us to feel things for people we've never met? people who didn't even know we existed?
it was some of the saddest couple of days of my life. i actually cried. why? it was unexpected yes, but inevitable. it was bound to happen but i guess we never figured it would be so soon.
i think what affected me the most was that i had never lived in a world without michael jackson...ya know?
for as long as i had been alive, michael jackson had been alive & making music & entertaining & being great at it all & now he was gone & thats it all we have left is a legacy...
i don't know how to really explain this without sounding like some kind of psycho fanatic.
one day yearssss from now our children will be feeling this way about...us? & about whatever entertainer from our generation makes as big an imprint in the industry as mj has & i begggg the universe that it isn't beyowulf aka beyonce aka my arch nemesis.
we'll be feeling this way again probably when the last beatle dies or when queen elizabeth stops being immortal.
its not about who they are in terms of their relationship to you, but more of the place they had in society & how you just assumed they'd always be around, always be a presence.
it is also a reminder of how all anyone ever wants or ever should want is to never be forgotten.
michael jackson will always be around. he made sure of that.
today marks 3 years since he died. time fliessssssssss.
#rip

3. i almost always have my ipod on shuffle. i've been having commitment issues lately & so its very difficult for me to decide on an artist or an album that i want to listen to for my entire commute. so i've been just sifting through 2000+. i spend the majority of my time on the train hitting the next button, i listen to a couple songs - some for the first few minutes, some only for a second or 2 before i decide its just not what i need right now. sometimes i think my ipod knows me better than i know myself. im always convinced that she knows exactly what i need to hear when i need to hear it. i always ignore the fact that i had to get through 300 wrong choices before she gets it right but when she does its oh so right!
the best decision she made all week was to play "baby one more time" by ms. spears. its been a long time since i've listened to that song in its entirety but for some reason that day as i was getting off the train & speed walking up spring street it was exactly what i needed to hear. it was bittersweet. it brought me back to 98! remember 1998?? what a great year! nsync, carson daly, virgin megastore. oh to be 10 years old again!
it was a great time in my life, so it was amazing feeling hearing this song again, thinking about how awesome & filled with pop music those years were...-sigh- but then theres the other feeling. those days are gone. im not 10 im 23 & 9 months old now & nsync doesn't really exist anymore. all i have of those years are fond memories & a few compact discs. remember those? compact discs?
i remember the baby one more time video like it was just yesterday. i miss that britney! so innocent! so cute! wanting to be hit one more time - hit with what exactly? is there some kind of hidden meaning that 10 year old ru couldn't possible pick up on? is there something i'm still missing now?
probably.
well, brit, its been 14 years & my loneliness is still killing me...how bout yours?

-r.

i wrote this post while listening to a live version of 'head over heels' by tears for fears*

i went to yoga for the first time in almost 3 weeks today. the following is what i was screaming to myself after the first set of "high lunge":

1. what?! why?
2. why does this exist?
3. i should have just stayed in bed.
4. i'm done with yoga.
5. i'm never coming back here!
6. this is just silly!

but by the end, as i lay on the mat -palms facing up- i couldn't help but feel extremely satisfied with how i had chosen to spend the 5 o clock hour of my saturday.

i had been going to yoga class twice a week every week since janaury, and then somewhere in mid may things got hectic & complicated & stressful & emotionally - more mentally than anything else. i've been so preoccupied with everything else that i had forgotten why i started going to yoga in the first place - it was to do something for myself, to devote myself to something to prove to myself that i had completely lost my capacity to be dedicated to something. somehow i managed to get so preoccupied with myself that i forgot to take care of myself.
i walked into class today & suddenly remembered why i had been voluntarily subjecting myself to physical activity. just being in the room was enough to erase the anxiety i've been feeling for the past month, if only for an hour...
So yea, i felt like puking about 10 minutes into class, but i didn't! & chair pose is slowly but surely becoming my favorite position -second only to child's pose- small victories!
i'm gonna get myself back into the groove of things! all my days off will be spent meeting my mat. i might even attempt to do 2 classes in one day! [expect a post about that one & about how halfway through the second class my body went on strike]

other concerns

in my attempt to reclaim my life. i did some writing the other night. i can't explain it, i just had this overwhelming feeling to write fiction (by the way my fiction is the closest to non fiction i'll ever write). it has been years since i've had the urge to write something. i sat at my laptop & wrote 3 pages of a short story that isn't worth reading, but it is definitely a start. i had a lot on my mind that night & i got most of it down.
this is a step in the right direction. i used to have a passion for writing & i lost it somewhere along the way, but i think its found me! perfect timing!

so anyone who really knows me & goes out with me etc...knows that i've had the same ID since i was 19 years old. have you ever seen the photo? probably not but it was emo ru at her best. black hair. scowl, black hoodie underneath a black jacket both over a black beatles let it be tshirt. one lip piercing (yes, it was before i got the second & yes, i actually do miss both of them : /). in addition to the picture that no longer looks like me? the huge red UNDER 21 stamped horizontally alongside the photo. a little information about new york state ids? when applying for one you get an options of 4 years or 8 years. to avoid having to go to the dmv ever, i got the 8 year one which meant that the ID wouldn't expire until 2014. it also meant that when i turned 21 i wouldn't be getting a new one...which i didn't know at the time. so yes, since 2009 i have had
an id that said i was under 21 even though i am indeed now 23 & almost 24 (ugh). since my id is valid the under 21 stamp has only created minor problems for me, i've only been denied from one jersey shore club. its mostly just bouncers looking at it then looking at me then looking at me & telling me to go get a new id as they hand back my card. i also respond "why? it doesnt expire for two more years???"
well anyway, since i'm moving & to avoid any further issue i went to the dmv a couple weeks ago & updated my address, picture, & height. i have grown 2 inches since i was 14 when i got my very first id. how did anyone believe i was still 5'6"???
well i got it in the mail this week & i had to use it for the first time today & i looked at it & felt really, really...sad? i kinda miss the under 21 stamp. i mean its been years since i've been under 21 but now it actually feels real. i'm all grown up now. really? when did that happen?
i think there are still some parts of my body & mind that are completely unaware that we've hit & passed puberty.
i guess the angst is ageless?
...i wish i was.

that is all.
::goes back to reading the girl who kicked the hornet's nest:: i am almost done & will mostly certainly experience withdrawal.

*1. i need a title for this blog & couldn't come up with anything AT ALL. i'm so incredibly bad at titles. almost all of my short stories are titled "untitled" [fact] 2. who doesn't love tears for fears?! this song is a classic [period].

oh, should i be mad or something?

sooooo i was superrrr late & completely missed the girls train, but i've been running after it ever since & i have finally caught up to it, and as cliche as it is to say i love this show, i just can't help it! i love it.
its a show that i can kind of sort of relate to. we're the same age, stuck in the same post graduate limbo, drinking too much, falling too hard, making mistakes. these are all things girls our age are experiencing. its very much authentic in that way.


since i was late to the girls party, i was also late to the girls controversy. of course, i'd heard some buzzing about it, but i never got a chance to really get down to the bottom of things...
now that i've seen the show, i've googled the appropriate articles & i am now ready to form an opinion.

so, yes, there is a lack of diversity in the cast of girls. does this surprise anyone?

1. have you ever been to williamsburg, greenpoint, or bushwick? back in the day these neighborhoods were pretty ethnic, but now? everyone there pretty much looks like...the cast of girls.

girls is clearly NOT the only show on television without a black character or without a black character of any substance. I don't think its fair to give a free pass to a show that casts a token "black friend"

i would much rather there be no black character than a token black character. i am more insulted by affirmative action casting than i am by no casting at all especially when they're just placed in a scene to say something "black".*

are there young black females who are living the lives that the girls in girls are living? yes of course, but i don't think they're living it the way they are in the show - i am definitely not.
i can't afford to live in an overpriced hipster, brooklyn apartment & i don't have a seemingly endless supply of money coming in from my parents, i've also been working since i was 16 so theres no way i'd be struggling to find my first job at 24.

i think we also have to consider the fact that people tend to just write what they know. lena dunham created, writes,directs,& acts in this show. this is her show, written from her point of view - her perspective, & her experience.

can she authentically speak to a black girls experience?
it would be impossible.

maybe the issue here isn't the lack of diversity in the cast, but rather the lack of diversity in writing?
no, this is not a plug for me to become a writer for girls, BUT if say they hired someone like me, i could create that authentic voice. i mean its what i plan to do anyway.
i have a tv show in the works (& by in the works i mean just floating around in my head) & i have every intention for the protagonist to be a teenage version of me - did i mention that i will be creating this show for The-N & for The-N only?

where was i going with this?
i've lost my train of thought...moving on!

i think its a bit of a double edged sword here, a kind of "damned if i do, damned if i don't"
because
now its been released that donald glover (aka the only real love of my life) has been cast in season 2 of girls
and already people are asking if it was done as a reaction to this little controversy.
given the fact that its donald glover & not just the first young black person to walk into casting, i'll have to say no.
he obviously will fit whatever role they have written for his character.

i think someone would have taken issue with girls either way.
if they had a black friend someone might have argued that she was "too black" or "not black enough". they would have said she was just thrown in there to fill a quota.

who knowsssssss

personally, i do not find fault with this show for its lack of a girl that looks like me. if i took issue with this show, i'd have to take issue with a lot of shows, because the list of shows that lack minority characters is a long one.

it would be great if we could finally get to a point where white characters, black characters didn't matter - where someone could write a character & just insert whatever actress or actor of whatever race, nationality etc...
but we're not there yet & i don't think we ever can be because there are a lot of factors that go into one's personal experience & race still plays a huge role.

i'm still trying to figure out if i'm just not in tune enough with my blackness to be as upset as the internet says i should be, or if i've just been so desensitized by yearsssss & yearsssss of television with little to no black characters.

i don't know if this oversimplifies things, but if i stopped watching all of the shows that didn't have a minority character, i'd have pretty much NOTHING to watch, at least on primetime.

that being said

is it sunday yet?
[or rather, monday? because i don't watch hbo & i watch girls illegally via interwebs ;)]

& then i thought "i don't want to move anymore..."

I've got cold feet.

I spent the day sunning, eating, relaxing, talking, thinking with one of my best friends since i was like 15.
It was a gorgeous day in NYC & we decided to spend it in East River Park in Williamsburg, Brooklyn.
Have you ever been there? Its one of the best places to be on a day like today was - so close to the water, so perfect for people watching & wine sipping...

There was something about today - about where I was, about who I was with - that made me think that I was making a hugeeee mistake.
I was so comfortable in that park, so comfortable with my friend, so comfortable with new york city.

Why am I leaving?

I was sitting there, on that sheet, looking around at all the different kinds of people that surrounded me, thinking I don't want to move anymore.

This is typical me.

I'm just a little scared I think. A little nervous? Afraid of the unknown? Of the future?
Today was one of those rare days when NYC doesn't bring me down.

It is fact that I need to leave New York, if only for a little while & I guess 2 years is just a little while.
On any other day there is something about being here that makes me want to run far away, as fast as I can.
Its not that I don't love it, I just feel stuck.

The truth is I absolutely need this move & that is why I applied to grad school in the first place, that is why I applied to a school out of this city, out of this state.

I guess the closer I get to August, the more anxious I'm going to get & its easy for me to just say okay I don't want to leave anymore I'm going to stay here where I am safe...
Its all a very vicious cycle. This is exactly why I need to leave. If I continue to be content with just how content I am then I'm never going to get anywhere, never going to accomplish the things I really want to accomplish.

I've gotta go.

I am going...

...I just wish I could take all my friends with me.

7weeks.

p.s.
have you ever just been chillin' in the park & have a family of geese just stroll on through? they were so cute. i couldn't resist but to get as close as possible...but not too close. in case of an attack. i'm glad b2 was able to capture the moment.

Its friday night & you're home in bed feeling blue... too?

What are the odds of that?
Well
These are the songs you should be listening to - they will either ease the pain or strengthen it:

1. Nina Simone - Don't let me be misunderstood
2. Black kids - Hurricane Jane
3. Childish Gambino - Untitled aka Black faces
4. Carly Rae Jepsen feat. Jimmy Fallon & The Roots - Call me maybe [played on classroom instruments]*
5. tears for fears - Head over heels
6. Ellie Goulding - High for this (Cover)
7. Radiohead - high & dry**
8. Brand New - Coca-cola
9. Sinitta - Cross my broken heart
10.Kanye West - I wonder***
11.Nancy & Frank Sinatra - Something stupid
12.Feist - Inside & out
13.Frank Ocean - Pyramids****
14.Nina simone - love me or leave me*****
15.Mayer Hawthorne - you've got the makings of a lover

*its the only way to enjoy that song
**because theyre performing at bonnaroo tonight & im not there
***its his birthday after all
****just released today!
*****because one can never have too much nina simone

You Call This A Subway System?!: My Weekend In Boston

I don't even know where to begin. I've had this page open for about 48 hours now. My trip to Boston was very quick, but jam packed.
This could go on for pages & pages so I will try my best to sum it all up.

You know I love lists so here goes!

10 things I learned during my weekend in Boston, Ma:

1. Your umbrellas are not safe: i have to start with this one because never in NYC have i ever had this problem. Is this a new england thing? that you can just leave your umbrella in what you think is a safe place & someone will just come along & move it? Do we HAVE to put umbrellas in the communal umbrella holder? is this some kind of law? do they not know what a problem it becomes when 2 (or more) people have the same umbrella?
Also umbrella karma is real! some girl took my (broken) umbrella so i took her (not broken) umbrella in retaliation & i currently have neither one of those umbrellas in my possession. Ended up leaving the other one in a friends car. If they are smart they will stay away from that umbrella. It is bad luck.

2. The "T" is barely a subway system: like...really, boston? you call this a subway system??? ha! this new yorker laughs in your face. I really do appreciate the simplicity of it all - not having to memorize 26 lines is a huge weight off my weak shoulders but really...you do know that the orange line back bay station is like a 5 min walk from the green line boylston street station right? someone needs to let my hopstop app know because it wanted to send me all over the place. If it was up to that app I would have spent most of my days wandering around underground instead of walking around above ground where I figured out that I could literally walk everywhere. I was almost always walking distance away from where I needed to be - figured that out when my toms got soaked in what i can only assume is all of the rain we were supposed to get in april & i needed to get from the Boston park plaza hotel to kate spade & it was literally only a 7 minute walk away. & what is up with being able to walk across the tracks on the green line? theres no 3rd rail but I will always have that fear of death by electrocution.

3. Boston sports fans have really strong feelings toward the manning brothers & they are not good: jealous? obvi! & as a long lost manning sister i am kind of offended...& scared. When i move i plan to wear my "manning" giants tee just to the corner of my block...ya know...just to see how safe i'll be. based on what i heard from some peyton/eli haters this weekend i don't think i'll be very safe at all.

4. The homeless people are a lot less aggressive & seem way more sincere: this guy on the train had apparently made an attempt to get a bed at a shelter but it filled up so he had only about an hour to get $6.50 to get on a train to get to this other shelter wear he was sure to get a bed. It definitely tugged at your heart strings...but i'm a new yorker & my heart strings are made of stone & not at all tugg-able. I'm sorry guy, but I just know too many "bums" who tell sob stories for a living. It was hard for me not to believe that when you got off the train after getting $6.50 about 50 times that day you weren't going home to a mansion.

5. Boston is JUST AS expensive as New York City: but like...why? boston is like 1/3 the size of nyc. It was really nice paying only $4.50 for a stella (i usually pay $7) but still! come on. i need you to be cheaper boston. i refuse to pay $1200 a month for a studio in a "city" where all public transportation is shut down by 1am.

6. ok so this post was originally supposed to be 10 things i learned during my weekend in boston...gonna have to cut this to 5 becauseeeee apparently i didn't learn all that much
but i had a great time!
despite not finding the perfect apartment - & my idea of the perfect apartment is an exact replica of carrie bradshaws nyc apartment both pre & post the makeover she did in the 1st movie ::nods::
I secured my job up there, got a bit of an idea of what to expect from emerson, got a feel for the "city", found a couple starbucks - completely ignoring the existence of "dunkin donuts", had a "phil collins"...or two, watched tom collichio eat a hamburger, hmmm what else!

overall it was a pretty good introduction to the city that will be my home for the next couple of years.
its definitely no nyc & its going to take some time to get used to, but i think i will be a-o-kay.

*the NFT guide to boston SAVED me this weekend & for a girl who has never really had to read a map before, i think i did a pretty good job!

jack.

It was unbearably hot in NYC today & while his mother walked around our store a little boy, jack, who couldn't be any older than 4 & 1/2 took refuge on our couch. He was half asleep when his father & older brother finally arrived in the store and joined them on the couch. His older brother was restless and jack was unable to finish his nap. The father tried to get them both to sit still & jack suggested they sit back & close their eyes.

Great idea.

& then he said the most amazing thing any 4 year old boy could say:

Jack *with his eyes still closed*: you know what i do when i sleep?
father: what do you do?
jack: i think
father: think about what?
me *in my head*: think about what? you're a zygote
jack: ava...
father: what do you think about ava?
jack: that shes so pretty & shes my girlfriend... *smiles with his eyes still closed*

I melted.

Here was this adorable little boy - could barely walk in a straight line, could barely hold his head up - with such pure, innocent feelings about a little girl who i could only imagine is as precious as he is. I couldn't help but smile & be kind of envious of ava - it must be nice to be loved in that way - to be the reason jack can't really sleep at night.

& then he said the most outrageous thing any 4 year old boy could say:

jack *still with his eyes closed*: but then theres piper...
father: whos piper??
me *in my head*: who is piper?!
jack: my other girlfriend
father: what?
me *in my head*: what?!
jack: i like ava but i like piper too but i think i like ava more...if this was me *holds up right hand* and this was ava *holds up 2 fingers on left hand* and this was piper *holds up other 3 fingers on left hand* i would have to pick ava *wraps right hand around 2 fingers on left hand*
father: well if you don't like piper thats okay but you have to tell her...
jack: i know but...
me *in my head*: what the hell...

jack! how could you do this to me?...& piper? how could you melt my heart & then solidify (am i using this word correctly? probably not...) it again & then shatter it into a million pieces and stomp on it with your tiny little uncoordinated feet??
a love triangle?! you don't even have your big boy teeth yet!

Jack, my sweet, sweet jack, you're probably going to grow up and use those gorgeous light brown eyes to get any girl you want. you'll probably write her letters or poems or songs. she'll fall madly in love with you...& then you're going to leave her for her best friend.

boys like you grow up to be the guys that leave girls like me & piper alone on a friday night in bed with a pint of cookie dough ice cream & back to back episodes of say yes to the dress.

-r.

Friday May 25th 2012

On my way home tonight I stepped into a train car full of sailors. All week I have been looking for sailors. For months I have been anticipating fleet week - hoping to find some strapping, young marine to sweep me off my feet & finally I am surrounded by men that fit that description & I looked. like. shit.
Really, universe? The one day I just rolled out of bed, threw on a tshirt & pants that, save for the zippers on the legs, are pretty much pajama bottoms, & flip flops?

As I slumped down into a seat as far away from the sailors as possible, I started thinking about how this pretty much sums up how i've been feeling for a couple of days - out of sync.
I'm not in line with what I want the universe to want for me or what the universe wants me to want for me. Something is off.
I'm not quite sure why.

I've got a lot going on or rather I should have a lot going on, but i'm not being as proactive as I need to be.
If all goes according to plan i'm going to be moving in 2 months but ummm that plan? What is it? I've been flailing through the past couple of weeks - working, sleeping, eating, drinking (1-2 stellas a night, 2 nights a week at most) but the planning?
I'll be in Boston at the end of this week & I should have apartments to see lined up & things of that nature but nope. nothing. i've got nothing.
& its funny because I am soooo excited to move, but I lack the motivation to put the work in.
& this apathy is something i've been battling for some time now. I'm not exactly sure apathy is the right word because I do care, I am aware I'm just not showing up physically, mentally, emotionally...

For a couple years now I've been feeling like I've lost myself.
I'm not doing the things I used to do.
Saying the things I'd normally say.
Loving the things I used to love.
I'm not reading. I'm not writing*. I'm not creating.
I'm kind of just living my life without really living it right now. I'm here but i'm not here.

Meeting Zadie Smith on Wednesday was a bit of a wake up call. I can't keep going on this way. White Teeth was published when she was 25. Shes only in her late 30s now & given maybe 100 years there are people on this earth who could never accomplish what she already has. I do not want to be one of those people.

I need to be an active part of my life. I've really got to take control & steer this the way I want it to go. I can't just let me take it where ever the hell its going to go.

un-accept-able.

Memorial Day weekend marks the start of summer. It will also mark me starting over...yet again.


*the mess that is this blog does not count.

So what do you say to the woman you have spent most of your adult life longing to be?: The day I met Zadie Smith

I was mid conversation with my manager & supervisor when i saw a woman hurry over into the fitting room. She was carrying 2 of the same dress, 2 bags, & was on the phone. I rushed over to help her get settled & asked her if she found everything okay. she nodded without saying a word & looked me right in the eye & instantly I had the feeling that I knew her from somewhere or had seen her before. She closed the curtains & changed into the dress. I lurked around the fitting room waiting for her to come out. She did & asked me to zip up the dress & asked for a heel in her size. I nodded & stared up at her unable to speak, not because I had confirmation of who she was, but because she looked amazing in the dress. I went down to grab her shoes and as i rushed past my supervisor I said "I think i'm helping zadie smith right now! i'm not sure yet but! i will find out! & if i am! i will die!" & i zoomed back up the stairs and handed her the shoes & she slipped them on & was 3 inches taller and looked exactly the way im sure the designer of that dress intended.
(i could & will keep going on about how amazing she made that dress look...but for now i digress)
This point on is a bit of a blur, but I think she asked me my opinion & I went on about how great it looked & she agreed that it was a lovely dress & I asked what the occasion was & she told me it was for a wedding & I said the dress was perfect for a wedding & she agreed & said she'd think about it and she walked over to another rack to take a second look. I took the opportunity to ask her name & the conversation went like this:

woman: ...I'll think about it
me: great...whats your name? so i can...
woman: zadie *smiles*
me: smith?
zadie: yes? *looks at me like im a bit of a looney tune*
me: oh my god
zadie: ...
me: you're my favorite writer
zadie: *smiles* *nods*
me: i've read white teeth every year since my senior year of high school
zadie: well you need new books *smiles*
me: *melts*

I laughed or something awkward like that & walked away while saying "oh my god" to myself. Zadie Smith walked back into the fitting & closed the curtain. My supervisor, L - the only other person in the store at the time to know who she is came up to see if I had confirmed that it was her. She came back out of the fitting room with her bags of books & the dress & told me she'd decided to get it.

**


She watched me as I wrapped up the dress. I couldn't even look up because I was fighting back tears of joy. The calm, cool, collected thing to do would have been to just stay quiet, but she is my favorite writer! one of the women I admire most! i couldn't not say anything....right?!

me: i just have to tell you again that you are seriously my favorite writer.
zadie: aww thank you. you're making me feel old by saying you've been reading my book every year since high school
me: *giggles* its only be 6 years
[since when do i giggle?! never! but i did...]
zadie: ::nods::
me: are you still teaching at nyu?
zadie: yes im still there
me: i went to school for writing
zadie: really? whered you go?
me: southern new hampshire university
zadie: *nods* yes, hmmmm, i've heard of that program
[WHAT?! how has she heard of my tiny school in nh???]
me: *stares up at her with wide eyes*
zadie: howd that go?
me: good...i'm going to emerson in the fall for publishing & writing
zadie: emerson? you should be proud!...hmm thats good. we need someone to save the publishing industry

[ummmm...are you implying that i should be that person? because i'm totes down to accept that challenge!]

we went on to talk a tiny bit about epublishing, ebooks, the pros (not having to carry around 1,000 books at a time...as she was today...& by 1000 i mean like 5...but still A LOT!), the cons (the fact that books are now getting the mp3 treatment aka illegal donwloading)

somewhere in there i managed to complete the transaction.

I said thank you as i do with every client, she smiled and wished me luck & just like that she was gone.

As soon as I was sure she was out of the store & i ran to the front & yelled "i just helped Zadie Smith!" & collapsed onto the front register.
my eyes were teary, my cheeks were flushed, my heart was racing.
I don't think anyone else understood what had just happened to me.

I read White Teeth for the first time my senior of high school in 2006. Since then whenever someone asks me for a book recommendation, the first thing to come out of my mouth is almost always "...White Teeth by Zadie Smith"
That book lived on my desk for all 4 of my college years.
I've read it numerous times.
I've gifted it for christmas.
I read On Beauty in about 2 days & thats only because I had to live life & couldn't just sit & read

I could go on & on about what she means to me -listing all the reasons why i've been wanting to be just like her since i was seventeen- but that could take hourssss & i have to be at work at 8am.

I will say this

Zadie Smith changed my life & I met her today & she was as beautiful & as lovely as I always thought she would be.

-r.


** there she is in ksny karolinas in spearmint green

untitled.

I left the bowery poetry club last month feeling inspired for the first time in years. As I walked around the city trying to let everything I had just heard take root, I wrote a poem...on my blackberry.
Its the first thing i've written since i stopped writing in 2010.
i'm also pretty sure its the first poem i've written since my poetry workshop my junior year of college.
it is about my mother.
& i wrote it with every intention of keeping it to myself, but i think i owe it to her to share this one.

so...

My mother exists to me now only in memories
But that does not make her any less of a woman.
She loved me with everything she had
I never loved her enough & I feel it now in my chest - all my breaths are shallow.
Ask me about her now & as tears form in my eyes I will tell you how I struggle to remember the sound of her voice, how i squint to remember her facial expressions, her thick lips, & her wide eyes.
My mother exists to me now only in my memories
& to my father in my hips when he tells me that my pants are something my mother would wear
in my tone when I have reached my limit & anyone & anything pisses me off.
In my eyes that are big & round like hers
In the scent i wear - he doesnt like it, so i don't wear it anymore.

Perhaps she exists in my sobs. I cry hardest when I think of her. When I think of memories we will never make, the time we'll never get to spend together. The husband she will never get to meet, the grandchildren she will never get to hold - my children.
How can I bring them into this world knowing that in an instant I can leave them alone & incapable of ever getting a good nights sleep.
Unable to find peace.
Needing warm milk & a lullaby.

So okay my mother exists to me in my anxieties. in my fears of after life.
In the simultaneous heaviness & emptiness in my heart.
In the words that I cannot speak.
In my regrets.

Theres no going back

Only forward now & it hurts to take her there
but
she died for me
so its the least I can do

"Dear Mom,..."

I apologize in advance for the ramble-y, in-cohesive-ness of this post (& this sentence), but most times there is no perfect way to say all the things you really need to say...especially when you're an emotional wreck.
-bows-

It was April 2010 & I woke up one day feeling the lowest i'd felt in years. It was a Sunday.

Its still pretty hard to explain, but I was such a mess that I knew I had to speak to someone...& soon.
That Monday I was sitting across from a counselor who was patiently waiting for me to tell her why exactly it was so urgent that i see her.
I was pretty close to graduation & felt like i was being buried alive in final papers & senior theses & post graduation plans (or lack there of) so I figured that was a good place to start.
& it always feels better to just be able to talk & talk & talk to someone who is basically just going to sit & listen so of course i felt a little better but there was still a heaviness & my counselor could feel it too and so she forced me to keep talking and eventually there were tears which mean we'd finally gotten to the source of whats been troubling for the last couple of days [& years].
My mother.
I spilled my guts and she listened & nodded & understood as much as she could through the sobbing. I told her about how I wanted to be happy about finishing college & graduation & my future, but I couldn't because the one person I wanted to be there would & could never be.
I'd felt that way for my high school graduation (which was a little less than a month after she passed away), I felt that way then, & i'll feel that way when I finish up grad school in 2 years.
Counselor let me know that it was a pretty normal feeling to have, but also concluded that i just haven't fully mourned my mother & i couldn't feel better about anything until i finished that process.
6 years later & i still haven't.
2006 is a blur of shock, grief, planning, moving, graduations, freshman year...there was no time for me to deal with anything & at the time I definitely didn't want to. Of course that shock & grief would come back when I realized that one of my graduation tickets wasn't for her. Of course that shock & grief would continue to come back every mothers day. I needed to get it all out of my system. It just didn't seem possible at all.
Counselor suggested I write my mother a letter. She said I needed to say everything I wanted to say to her now.
I nodded.
& I actually made an attempt, but I only got as far as "Dear Mom,"
Thats still as far as I can get.
I've tried again since then & its just impossible.
Its not that I have nothing to say, I have too much to say. I now have 6 years worth of things to say.
I can't fit the last 6 years of my life into one letter or 2 letters or 3 letters.

I was at my mother's funeral & her godson walked in. We hadn't seen him in years, but i recognized him immediately & the first thing I said was, "i've got to tell mom that i saw Rodrick." It wasn't until maybe 5 minutes later that I have that "oh...wait..." moment that I continue to have way too often. That pretty much sums up how well i've accepted this loss...not very well at all.

Last Sunday I went to her grave for the 1st time in 5 years. Once they put the headstone it was just something I had to avoid. Trust me, you never want to see the name of someone you loved etched into stone about a start & end date. Its just too real.
but i'm moving soon. starting another chapter of my life that she won't be around for & who knows when i'll be back & i had already felt like such a terrible daughter for avoiding it for so long that i felt more than obligated to go.
As I was walking over to her I was certain I wasn't going to make it, but surprisingly enough I felt a calm I haven't felt in a very long time.

I think just being there was better than any letter I could have written.
It was definitely a step I needed to take & hopefully this means I'm well on my way to getting to a point where my mother isn't a source of anxiety. where I can remember her voice, her smile, her scent, her everything without wanting to forget it immediately...

maybe next year?

rip mommy
9/13/49-05/19/06

"Its Just Not Right. Beastie Boys Don't Die...": RIP MCA & What the Beastie Boys Mean to Me

A customer said that to me tonight at work. I had just pointed out that we were both wearing the kate spade ny "NO SLEEP TILL BROOKLYN" bangle made & purchased by us both long before Adam "MCA" Yauch's untimely passing on friday. We were both experiencing the same level of disbelief & as she walked away she said "its just not right. beastie boys don't die."
It is exactly what I have been thinking for the past 3 days.
Earlier today another beastie fan noticed my bangle. his girlfriend was swiping her debit card for the bag she purchased & he pointed at my wrist & said, "is that your MCA commemorative bracelet?"
i nodded & explained that i had purchased the bangle originally out of my love for all things beastie, but inevitably felt more of a connection to it now more than ever. He went on to explain how MCA's death was much harder to deal with than other "celebrity" passings. he told me how yes, he was a big MJ fan & yes everyone can't deny their love for at least one whitney houston track but something about this felt different. whitney & michael had a very critical road to play in their deaths, but MCA lived his life in such a way that didn't exactly foretell a death at 47. He mumbled something about how unfair MCA's death seems - that he could lead a life so pure in comparison to others & still this cancer could come & take him too soon.

Saturday afternoon i was helping a woman from australia & her friend from paris with some shoes. i'm pretty sure they were both native to england, but time has placed them in two different countries. the trip they took to new york city brought them back together much in the way the beastie boys had brought them together in the past.
She came over to me with the "NO SLEEP TILL BROOKLYN BANGLE" & asked me if I knew who the beastie boys were. instead of responding with "DUH LADY!" I nodded & told her of 15 year old rudine's seemingly unhealthy relationship with the boys. i told her that the day before my best friend had called me crying with the terrible news & that their music & the beastie boys themselves helped us get through the last couple years of school. she & her friend had to be about 20 years older than me & my best friend but she understood completely. She asked me if i knew of any tributes or parties or anything going on in brooklyn that night & i told her i didn't but i'd definitely be looking for something. she asked for my number so she could text me to see if i found anything & i didn't even hesitate to give this stranger my information - it just felt okay. she stood there twirling the bangle in her hand, reading the line over & over & suddenly starting rapping the first verse to sabotage the way ad rock would, almost screaming. she bought 2 bangles - 1 for herself & 1 for her friend.

The Beastie Boys were formed in 1981 & the lineup as we know it now -MCA, Mike D, & AD ROCK- started performing together in 1982. I obviously didn't exist yet - not even in thought. It wasn't until the release of "To the Five Boroughs" in 2004 that i even gave the beastie boys music much thought. It was the summer before my junior year of high school & i remember being on the phone with my best friend & our other best friend at the time, waiting for the check it out video to come on the fuse network. If it was a really good day there would be one of those 30min runs of just beastie videos.
I don't think I could really put into words just exactly what attracted us to the boys & their music, but it was definitely more than just a need to fill the void that NSYNC left.
I went out & bought "To The Five Boroughs" & within days I knew every word. We each had our "beastie". Mine was Mike D, Sasha's was MCA & our other friends was AD ROCK. We went out & bought every cd: paul's boutique, check your head, license to ill... we were able to quote songs at the snap of a finger. It was kinda strange really, 3 catholic school girls from the bronx, listening to license to ill for the first time more than 20 years after its release & loving every minute of it.
Just the other day I was sitting on the bus listening to my ipod on shuffle when "Shazam" came on, immediately i took out my phone & started tweeting lyrics to sasha who responded as she usually does when it came to all things beastie boys - with the enthusiasm she reserved only for the things she really loved. A couple days later MCA was dead & suddenly our memories from 2004 are bitter sweet.
It kind of feels like we've lost a friend & Adam "MCA" Yauch did not know a thing about us. We never got to meet him, never even got to go to a show ,but just having their music on our ipods and their lyrics ingrained in our brains is enough.

Theres something about this that makes us have to face things that we're just not ready to deal with.
"Beastie Boys don't die..."
Oh, but they do & one did & the other two will & it sucks.
Are we already at that age where we're losing those tangible pieces of our childhood?
Imagine how Mike D & AD Rock are feeling. MCA wasn't just a band mate. He was their best friend & brother of 30+ years.

Wikipedia has MCA listed as a "former member" of the beastie boys. Never. MCA IS a beastie boy. period.

Rest In Peace MCA

*i highly suggest googling Adam Yauch & reading more about his life & his life's work. He was more than just an amazing rapper. Its almost unbelievable...except that he was awesome so i can definitely believe it.