On my way home tonight I stepped into a train car full of sailors. All week I have been looking for sailors. For months I have been anticipating fleet week - hoping to find some strapping, young marine to sweep me off my feet & finally I am surrounded by men that fit that description & I looked. like. shit.
Really, universe? The one day I just rolled out of bed, threw on a tshirt & pants that, save for the zippers on the legs, are pretty much pajama bottoms, & flip flops?
As I slumped down into a seat as far away from the sailors as possible, I started thinking about how this pretty much sums up how i've been feeling for a couple of days - out of sync.
I'm not in line with what I want the universe to want for me or what the universe wants me to want for me. Something is off.
I'm not quite sure why.
I've got a lot going on or rather I should have a lot going on, but i'm not being as proactive as I need to be.
If all goes according to plan i'm going to be moving in 2 months but ummm that plan? What is it? I've been flailing through the past couple of weeks - working, sleeping, eating, drinking (1-2 stellas a night, 2 nights a week at most) but the planning?
I'll be in Boston at the end of this week & I should have apartments to see lined up & things of that nature but nope. nothing. i've got nothing.
& its funny because I am soooo excited to move, but I lack the motivation to put the work in.
& this apathy is something i've been battling for some time now. I'm not exactly sure apathy is the right word because I do care, I am aware I'm just not showing up physically, mentally, emotionally...
For a couple years now I've been feeling like I've lost myself.
I'm not doing the things I used to do.
Saying the things I'd normally say.
Loving the things I used to love.
I'm not reading. I'm not writing*. I'm not creating.
I'm kind of just living my life without really living it right now. I'm here but i'm not here.
Meeting Zadie Smith on Wednesday was a bit of a wake up call. I can't keep going on this way. White Teeth was published when she was 25. Shes only in her late 30s now & given maybe 100 years there are people on this earth who could never accomplish what she already has. I do not want to be one of those people.
I need to be an active part of my life. I've really got to take control & steer this the way I want it to go. I can't just let me take it where ever the hell its going to go.
un-accept-able.
Memorial Day weekend marks the start of summer. It will also mark me starting over...yet again.
*the mess that is this blog does not count.
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