i always thought i'd have the chance to make it up to her.

years & years of homemade birthday cards that were always made with love & always greatly appreciated

but

she deserved so much more.

i can't tell you how many times since shes passed away that i've seen a shirt, a bag, a pair of shoes, a book & thought "mom would love that"
leopard print anything? done.

whenever i presented one of these handcrafted tokens of my love i'd be thinking one day, one day i will buy you everything.

and despite the fact that there is about $45.00 in my checkings account right now i'd have spent the past couple of days, maybe even weeks searching for the perfect gift - something she'd love, something she'd deserve to have because she really was the best she could ever be...at least to me.

& it really does hurt that i'll never ever get that chance.

i was sitting in class 2 nights ago and i couldn't help but think about her, about how this is all she ever wanted for me
about how im so much closer now to what i want for myself, & how its so unfair that she isn't here to share this with me...

blurgh.

all i can do now is hope that pieces of white paper folded in half with terrible crayola drawings of a rose or some kind of figure that was meant to be her was really enough and that maybe somehow she know deep down that i really wanted to give her everything.

happy birthday mom.