I apologize in advance for the ramble-y, in-cohesive-ness of this post (& this sentence), but most times there is no perfect way to say all the things you really need to say...especially when you're an emotional wreck.
-bows-
It was April 2010 & I woke up one day feeling the lowest i'd felt in years. It was a Sunday.
Its still pretty hard to explain, but I was such a mess that I knew I had to speak to someone...& soon.
That Monday I was sitting across from a counselor who was patiently waiting for me to tell her why exactly it was so urgent that i see her.
I was pretty close to graduation & felt like i was being buried alive in final papers & senior theses & post graduation plans (or lack there of) so I figured that was a good place to start.
& it always feels better to just be able to talk & talk & talk to someone who is basically just going to sit & listen so of course i felt a little better but there was still a heaviness & my counselor could feel it too and so she forced me to keep talking and eventually there were tears which mean we'd finally gotten to the source of whats been troubling for the last couple of days [& years].
My mother.
I spilled my guts and she listened & nodded & understood as much as she could through the sobbing. I told her about how I wanted to be happy about finishing college & graduation & my future, but I couldn't because the one person I wanted to be there would & could never be.
I'd felt that way for my high school graduation (which was a little less than a month after she passed away), I felt that way then, & i'll feel that way when I finish up grad school in 2 years.
Counselor let me know that it was a pretty normal feeling to have, but also concluded that i just haven't fully mourned my mother & i couldn't feel better about anything until i finished that process.
6 years later & i still haven't.
2006 is a blur of shock, grief, planning, moving, graduations, freshman year...there was no time for me to deal with anything & at the time I definitely didn't want to. Of course that shock & grief would come back when I realized that one of my graduation tickets wasn't for her. Of course that shock & grief would continue to come back every mothers day. I needed to get it all out of my system. It just didn't seem possible at all.
Counselor suggested I write my mother a letter. She said I needed to say everything I wanted to say to her now.
I nodded.
& I actually made an attempt, but I only got as far as "Dear Mom,"
Thats still as far as I can get.
I've tried again since then & its just impossible.
Its not that I have nothing to say, I have too much to say. I now have 6 years worth of things to say.
I can't fit the last 6 years of my life into one letter or 2 letters or 3 letters.
I was at my mother's funeral & her godson walked in. We hadn't seen him in years, but i recognized him immediately & the first thing I said was, "i've got to tell mom that i saw Rodrick." It wasn't until maybe 5 minutes later that I have that "oh...wait..." moment that I continue to have way too often. That pretty much sums up how well i've accepted this loss...not very well at all.
Last Sunday I went to her grave for the 1st time in 5 years. Once they put the headstone it was just something I had to avoid. Trust me, you never want to see the name of someone you loved etched into stone about a start & end date. Its just too real.
but i'm moving soon. starting another chapter of my life that she won't be around for & who knows when i'll be back & i had already felt like such a terrible daughter for avoiding it for so long that i felt more than obligated to go.
As I was walking over to her I was certain I wasn't going to make it, but surprisingly enough I felt a calm I haven't felt in a very long time.
I think just being there was better than any letter I could have written.
It was definitely a step I needed to take & hopefully this means I'm well on my way to getting to a point where my mother isn't a source of anxiety. where I can remember her voice, her smile, her scent, her everything without wanting to forget it immediately...
maybe next year?
rip mommy
9/13/49-05/19/06
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