i went to yoga for the first time in almost 3 weeks today. the following is what i was screaming to myself after the first set of "high lunge":
1. what?! why?
2. why does this exist?
3. i should have just stayed in bed.
4. i'm done with yoga.
5. i'm never coming back here!
6. this is just silly!
but by the end, as i lay on the mat -palms facing up- i couldn't help but feel extremely satisfied with how i had chosen to spend the 5 o clock hour of my saturday.
i had been going to yoga class twice a week every week since janaury, and then somewhere in mid may things got hectic & complicated & stressful & emotionally - more mentally than anything else. i've been so preoccupied with everything else that i had forgotten why i started going to yoga in the first place - it was to do something for myself, to devote myself to something to prove to myself that i had completely lost my capacity to be dedicated to something. somehow i managed to get so preoccupied with myself that i forgot to take care of myself.
i walked into class today & suddenly remembered why i had been voluntarily subjecting myself to physical activity. just being in the room was enough to erase the anxiety i've been feeling for the past month, if only for an hour...
So yea, i felt like puking about 10 minutes into class, but i didn't! & chair pose is slowly but surely becoming my favorite position -second only to child's pose- small victories!
i'm gonna get myself back into the groove of things! all my days off will be spent meeting my mat. i might even attempt to do 2 classes in one day! [expect a post about that one & about how halfway through the second class my body went on strike]
other concerns
in my attempt to reclaim my life. i did some writing the other night. i can't explain it, i just had this overwhelming feeling to write fiction (by the way my fiction is the closest to non fiction i'll ever write). it has been years since i've had the urge to write something. i sat at my laptop & wrote 3 pages of a short story that isn't worth reading, but it is definitely a start. i had a lot on my mind that night & i got most of it down.
this is a step in the right direction. i used to have a passion for writing & i lost it somewhere along the way, but i think its found me! perfect timing!
so anyone who really knows me & goes out with me etc...knows that i've had the same ID since i was 19 years old. have you ever seen the photo? probably not but it was emo ru at her best. black hair. scowl, black hoodie underneath a black jacket both over a black beatles let it be tshirt. one lip piercing (yes, it was before i got the second & yes, i actually do miss both of them : /). in addition to the picture that no longer looks like me? the huge red UNDER 21 stamped horizontally alongside the photo. a little information about new york state ids? when applying for one you get an options of 4 years or 8 years. to avoid having to go to the dmv ever, i got the 8 year one which meant that the ID wouldn't expire until 2014. it also meant that when i turned 21 i wouldn't be getting a new one...which i didn't know at the time. so yes, since 2009 i have had
an id that said i was under 21 even though i am indeed now 23 & almost 24 (ugh). since my id is valid the under 21 stamp has only created minor problems for me, i've only been denied from one jersey shore club. its mostly just bouncers looking at it then looking at me then looking at me & telling me to go get a new id as they hand back my card. i also respond "why? it doesnt expire for two more years???"
well anyway, since i'm moving & to avoid any further issue i went to the dmv a couple weeks ago & updated my address, picture, & height. i have grown 2 inches since i was 14 when i got my very first id. how did anyone believe i was still 5'6"???
well i got it in the mail this week & i had to use it for the first time today & i looked at it & felt really, really...sad? i kinda miss the under 21 stamp. i mean its been years since i've been under 21 but now it actually feels real. i'm all grown up now. really? when did that happen?
i think there are still some parts of my body & mind that are completely unaware that we've hit & passed puberty.
i guess the angst is ageless?
...i wish i was.
that is all.
::goes back to reading the girl who kicked the hornet's nest:: i am almost done & will mostly certainly experience withdrawal.
*1. i need a title for this blog & couldn't come up with anything AT ALL. i'm so incredibly bad at titles. almost all of my short stories are titled "untitled" [fact] 2. who doesn't love tears for fears?! this song is a classic [period].
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