on losing hope...& trying to find it again.

I am under the assumption that I've done everything right. Yes, I have been known to make bad and somewhat desperate decisions, but for the most part I think I've stuck to the plan [that i can only assume] my mother may have had for me.

I made it through k-8th grade & into one of the best catholic high schools for girls in NYC.
I [circa] survived that high school experience -there was a lot of angst - earning thousands of dollars in academic scholarships, sponsorships, and financial support at southern new hampshire university.
I barely survived that college experience [I am sometimes still in awe of the fact that I made it out alive].

I graduated in May 2010 [with honors i might add - despite a freshman year 1st semester gpa of 2.5 which resulted in me losing my place in the honors program & the scholarship that came with it & a few Cs in economics & every math course i was forced to take] with a BA in Creative Writing & English.

I was ready for [what i thought would be] my real life to begin...& it did, but it wasn't anything i'd expected.

I had so much [of what i now hesitate to call] hope. I had a resume that I thought would get me any job I wanted. I had the tiny bit of experience that I figured would get my foot in the door at any publishing company I wanted to work for. I had a bachelor's degree that I referred to [only in my head] as the golden ticket. I have learned the hard way that this is not easy.

I will admit that initially I did not put the effort that a new graduate should put into trying to find a job in new york city. I decided to take a month or so off to just "chill" & that month of "chillin'" has turned into 14 months of flailing.

I went from frolicking in ankle deep mud, amidst weed smoking neo-hippies & some of the biggest [& smallest] musicians in the world at Bonnaroo 2010 to dusting every shelf on the 4th floor of F21 TSQ with a roll of toilet paper & a nearly empty bottle of "windex."

"Is this real life?" is a question that I find I ask myself almost every single day.

Others would find this post grad limbo to be motivating in some way shape or form. I on the other hand look at it as a means to justify why [when i'm not at "work" where I am completely over-worked & underappreciated] i spend most of my time sleeping, eating, refreshing my tumblr page every 5 minutes, & occasionally drinking too much.

I've lost "hope".

I figure ya know...i've been a pretty good kid. I've done everything I was supposed to do right? Things are supposed to just fall into my lap now, right? I've earned it, no? where is my dream job? where is my dream apartment? where is my dream life? my real life? I'm not supposed to be living in my aunt's "tv room" in Jamaica, Queens. I should be living that very coveted lifestyle that every other degreed twenty-something in new york city is living...right? I've "been through a lot, and have overcome it. I've been through hell & back. the highs, and all the lows.
Am I not deserving of "the good life"? [whatever it may be]

Some would say no because i've given up
and I would said "well can you blame me?"
and they would probably remind me that it wasn't easy accomplishing everything I accomplished. It wasn't even that easy getting the "job" i have now [i stood in line for 5 hours]
"so why stop now?"

and then the old me would say
"well i've done all i can do, and thats that."

but this "new me" - the one i'm still struggling to be - would say its time to "make moves"

I'm not really sure of what moves I need to make -i'm never really sure of anything anymore-, but I think if I can manage to channel the 15 year old in me -the dreamer- I'll figure something out.