I Want to Be a Pan Am Girl

I really do!

I will just come right out & admit that it is largely in part because of the uniforms.
I love them! Who wouldn't want a girdle, torpedo bra, & awesome bowling bag? - you can fit EVERYTHING in there! or at least everything you'd need for a cross continental trip.

We all know (maybe not all but ya know) that i'm obsessed with the 50s & 60s (& 70s & 80s).
Camelot!
There is something that is just so glamorous about it all. Where is the glamour in American Airlines or even Jet Blue?
Imagine being able to travel all over the world but first! you have to meet all the requirements. The thrill of the competition intrigues me! Imagine the feeling those girls got when they were chosen to be a pan am stewardess! (imagine the disappointment they felt when they were not chosen...YIKES!)

Of course I have just finished watching the first episode of Pan Am on ABC and one of those fictional pilots described the girls as having "an impulse to take flight."

and that is totally what I have right now - an impulse to take flight both literally and figuratively!

What attracts me to these girls is that not only were they the right age, height, & weight, not only did they have a beautiful face & spoke three languages, but they all had their own personal reasons for becoming a pan am stewardess.

What would my reason be?

I think it'd be to get unstuck. To see everything I want to see. To face my fears. To find myself even? To be apart of something that is bigger than myself...

and again...the uniform!

but since I can't run off to Pan Am Headquarters in Midtown, Manhattan circa 1963
what can I do?
hmmmm...

A Playlist For Girls [& Guys?] Like Me

Some would describe me as a bit of an "old soul" - I love old movies, old books, & old music.
If it was made before 1988 I probably love it more than anything produced in this past decade.
I have, on numerous occasions, expressed my desire to be in a 1960's girl group [specifically The Ronnettes...more for the beehive hairdo & super thick eyeliner and less less less for both the business & personal relationship they had with that looney tune phil spector], but I think if I could go back even further I would want to be a Billie Holiday, Ella Fitzgerald, or Anita O'day. And if I couldn't be one of them, I would settle for being some twenty-something fanatic who related [maybe a little too much]to the sadness. I would follow them around [in the least creepy way possible], trying to convince them that I too was as tortured [as they seem & in most cases were] in some kind of desperate attempt to get them to accept me...but i digress.

So here a few of these songs that I love. Listen to them on rainy days and/or lonely nights [as they seem to be most effective at those times]:

I'm A Fool to Want You - Billie Holiday
Anita's Blues - Anita O'Day
Sunday Kind of Love - Ella Fitzgerald
I Love You, Porgy - Nina Simone
Fool That I Am - Etta James
Stormy Blues - Billie Holiday
Ain't Misbehavin - Dinah Washington
Sentimental Journey - Doris Day
I Never Meant to Love Him - Etta James
It Was Written in the Stars - Ella Fitzgerald
My One & Only - Sarah Vaughn
I Don't Know - Ruth Brown
The Very Thought of You - Billie Holiday
Stormy Weather - Etta James
Someone to Watch Over Me - Ella Fitzgerald
Come Rain or Shine - Billie Holiday
&
A BONUS!
Be My Baby - The Ronnettes <--- I had to!

Enjoy!

A Lesson in Patience?

I've been trying this "new outlook" on life thing. I am trying to be positive & I've been trying to stay in a consistently good mood.
Keyword = trying.
I started my day in what I would describe as a pretty decent mood, and I expected it to only get better or stay consistently "decent"...it did not.
It was kind of like hitting a brick wall. I was fine, and then I wasn't. I was moving in a positive direction, and then I stopped suddenly and completely, and it seemed as if there was no way around this "wall" so I stopped trying.
Then the flooding started.
Theres this book that i've been reading & using for over a year now. Its called "stop overreacting" Its this book about controlling your emotions, and flooding is when something/someone/some situation triggers a flood of thoughts that leads to some kind of overreaction [i feel like i didn't explain that in a way that makes any sense at all...read the book].
anyway
so then the flooding started
pI think they call it flooding because you ended up just struggling & drowning ya know?]
and it left me completely incapable of having a fully functional day.
I was in a really negative place and I'm disappointed that I let myself get & stay there.
I think I was being tested. I think I was supposed to turn that bad situation I was in completely around & I failed.
I didn't take the time to really think things through before I let it all get the best of me.
There was definitely a way around that "wall" & If I had just been patient I would have found it.

So what did I learn today?

Yes, I'm trying, but I've got to try harder.
Well played, universe, well played

"I am so happy & grateful now that..."

What makes you happiest? What will make you happiest?
What are you most grateful for? What will you be most grateful for?
"The Secret" teaches that these questions can be asked interchangeably, and that your answers to these questions can and should be the same.
For example, If back to back episodes of yo gabba gabba would make me happiest, I would wake up & say "I am so grateful now that there are back to back episodes of yo gabba gabba on nick jr today..."

ok

terrible example, but
1. I'm not ready to get too specific with what would make me happiest
2. yo gabba gabba does make me really happy sometimes ::nods::

but you get what i'm saying right?

Despite the fact that you don't have these things yet, be grateful for them now - be happy about them now & that feeling of gratitude and happiness will manifest.
::nods::
You will attract these things.
They will be yours.

It is Monday and I always view Mondays as the best day to just start over.
Not happy with the way things are going?
Start fresh. Change your way of thinking.
That is exactly what I'm doing today.
I meant to write & post this in the morning, but I kind of just rolled out of bed after being there for about 21 hours, but hey! there are still 7 hours left in the day...
totally enough time to manifest some great things.
also
Yo Gabba Gabba is available for streaming on netflix.

What Would Oprah Do?

Its something I often ask myself.
She is my unofficial guru [ice-t being my official one], and if I want to get really crazy I say she's kind of like my own personal Jesus. I want to be her. I want what she has. I want it all. I can do without the fame, but the wisdom, the confidence, the money?!
You know when someone is just so great at what they do? When they just do it so effortlessly that it seems unreal and you just want to ask "whats your secret?"
Oprah is just great at living, and when people ask "O, what is your secret?" I'm sure she'll say "hard work, determination, perseverence..."
BUT! she may also admit to using a lil bit of "hocus pocus."
I'd heard about "The Secret" after that episode of the Oprah show dedicated to spreading "the good news" about the secret, what it did for oprah, what it did for rhonda byrne, & what it could do for "you", but it was not until i'd reached one of my lowest points that i'd even given it any serious thought. It was 2008, and I was curled up in a ball in my bed in my lonely single dorm in Manchester, New Hampshire. I was sad, I was lonely, I was "depressed" (cut to 2011 & i'm still all of those things but not to that degree...). Mostly I was fed up with the way things were going for me & I wanted to do something about it...but what could I do? Then I remembered "The Secret."
I requested the book from the library & spent the next couple of days reading & learning all about the "law of attraction". It explained to me that all that I was feeling - all the sadness, the loneliness, the depression etc - I had brought on myself. That was pretty difficult to accept. Why would I want to feel that way? Why would I want to be in that bad situation?
I wanted to stop reading then, but I didn't.
Yes, I was bringing this negative energy into my life, but I could definitely turn that around. I could attract good things. I could attract positive situations. I could get anything I wanted. Not only could I get it, but I deserved it.
So how does one go about getting everything they want? anything they desire?
Fake it. You kind of have to play this game with yourself. You want a new car? Sit down in a chair & pretend your in that new car. Not only do you have to pretend, you have to believe it. Believe that is your new car & eventually you will find yourself sitting in that new car. get it? I didn't get it at first. I thought it was crazy talk.
They also suggest making "visualization boards". I cut out pictures of everything I wanted and put it on a board in my room & i looked at it every day. I pretended I had those things. I believed they were mine, and can you believe it actually worked?
In a short amount of time I had those things. I remember being hesitant -as i always am - so I started off slow. I wanted this guy to add me on facebook (terrible right?) so I visualized it & it happened! I couldn't believe it. It kind of freaked me out actually. It was working for me! Something was working for me!...but then it STOPPED! it stopped working. Why? i was skeptical. I thought I had given myself to it completely. I wrote little notes around my room, I posted pictures everywhere, I had direct quotes from the book [& documentary]...I was OPRAH! but there was always some doubt stored away there in the back of my mind, and you can't do that! you can't doubt, not even a little bit. You have to be strong, and strong I was not.
But i'm ready to try again ::nods::
I'm at that point again. That very low point that drives me [back] to this "hocus pocus."
I need to channel my inner oprah [& ice-t]!
Do you think I can do it?
Who wants to attempt this with me??? anyone??? anyoneeeeee???

thesecret.tv
look for the movie/documentary on NETFLIX instant ::nods::
or
hit me up for a digital copy ^.^

The [Beautiful*] Elephant in the Room

While it is my belief [& the belief of all others in attendance] that Elizabeth & Davon's wedding wanted for absolutely nothing, there was still a void - a void that went unaddressed, but certainly not unnoticed.
As I sat at "Table Kingston" with my siblings, my niece & nephew, & my father I couldn't help but feel the absence of my mother.
We managed to go the entire weekend & wedding without even discussing my mother's death, and can you blame us? The very mention of her name, whenever I see her face I am just overcome with this gloom, and who needs that at a time of celebration?
But as we celebrated I couldn't help but think of her. She would have loved to see her first born married. She would have loved the ceremony, she would have loved the reception, she would have loved the open bar! (don't worry, mom, i loved it enough for the both of us).
She would love her new daugher-in-law...of that I am sure.
But what I am surest of is that- third only to Elizabeth & Davon - she would have been the best dressed.

I always wondered what it'd be like to have to celebrate these major life events without her, and I have to say it wasn't too bad...but then again, it wasn't my wedding day.
While we were able to carry on without her this weekend, I'm not sure I will be able to when [if!] it is [ever] my turn. I am not that strong.
I miss her everyday. Sometimes I just want to tell her minor things. Sometimes I just want to talk. Sometimes I just want to walk into her room in the middle of the night, kiss her on the cheek, and cuddle her while she's fast asleep.
What will happen when I need to ask her all I need to know about being a wife? A mother? A human being?...I still have all these questions about being a woman, and it's been rough figuring it all out on my own.

It is amazing to me how quickly 5 years have gone by.

Today, September 13, 2011 would have been her 62nd birthday, and trust me when I say she wouldn't look a day over 35.

I can only hope to age that beautifully. I can only hope to be half the woman that she was & will always be to me.

Happy Birthday Mom!

*I am almost certain that my mother would not have liked being referred to (even metaphorically) as an elephant so I added the beautiful to ease the blow...but I mean she was beautiful right? Gorgeous even.

"What makes you hopeful?"

Surprisingly enough this question is not too difficult for me to answer.

What I witnessed this weekend makes me hopeful. My brother's wedding was the most normal thing to happen in/for/to my family in a very very long time. I think the closest we ever come to complete normalcy is when we have Christmas dinner, and even that is a bit of a stretch.

This weekend gives me hope that there is more "normal" to come.
I want it for all of us, but I know that I need it the most.
There is this [naive] part of me that longs to go back in time. If I could relive ages fetus - thirteen I would. 10x over. I would. I was so innocent [oblivious really...], so naive, so happy, so normal. I'd give anything to get that back, to feel that way again, but somehow they have talking toilets & robots in japan but have failed to really get that time travel thing going.

So what can I do?

I can make attempts to get obtain/attain (?) that normalcy here in my "adult" life...maybe?
Will it take a lot of work? Yes.
Is it even possible? Yes.
Can I do it? Eh...?

What do you think? Can I do it?

"Never Forget."...but how could we?

No one needs to tell me to "always remember."
No one needs to tell me to "never forget."
Forgetting what happened on September 11, 2001 is impossible.
What happened that morning & all the days, weeks, months, years that followed continues to affect our day to day.
Its in the way we think, the way we perceives others, the way we perceives ourselves...it is most definitely in the way we travel...

It was the first week of 8th grade. We were sitting in class when an announcement came over the loud speaker. Planes hitting the twin towers? what? what kind of idiot pilot slams into a building like that? what an unfortunate accident!...thats what we were thinking.
I was also thinking wow. I've been to the world trade center before. My aunt worked there. My mom worked there. I figured there was some damage done, but it never crossed my mind that it could be serious...
but then it got serious because another announcement came on that another plane hit the second tower.
It was getting "all the way real."
In the hours that followed parents started picking up their kids. There was just this cloud of panic in the air.
I knew my mom was home. She worked at WTC, but had been out on disability for awhile.
I figured my dad might be home too as he had been working nights...and i waited for that call to the office. I was waiting for them to call for my brother & I to head to the office to go home, but that call never came. I, being only 13, remember huffing and puffing the 5 minutes home, annoyed that no one had come to get me. I walked into the house and saw my parents glued to the television...i was pissed. If you guys are home why didn't you come get us? you're just sitting here?! blah blah blah
then I remembered my aunt...she worked at WTC...on the 100-something floor...they hadn't heard from her all day.
Here I was concerned about being picked up...how selfish of me right? but I was so young & naive.
I didn't really grasp the seriousness of this all until my brother & I tried to watch tv & even cartoon network was tuned into the news.
where was I going with this?
oh right!
ok! so...my aunt (as some of you may know) is alive & well. We didn't hear from her all day, but thats because she was walking from manhattan to queens. She was late for work that morning & her train pulled into WTC just as things were getting crazy so it didn't even open the doors...it just took them elsewhere & let them off...
to put things into perspective
because the towers were so tall, and because the elevator rides were so long they formed elevator groups. My aunt missed her elevator group that day. As the story goes, everyone in her elevator group died.
9/11/01 is impossible for her to forget.
my sister's friend who worked down there was running for his life. He turned around to help some people. He got trampled to death.
9/11/01 is impossible for his friends & family to forget.
My mother left everything from her cubicle there. pictures of my brother & I, a tv radio...all things that I had seen & touched.
9/11/01 is impossible for me to forget.
9 Years later I was getting onto the E train. I looked down & saw a lunchbox under the seat. I moved to another seat. I watched as everyone walked onto the train, saw the lunch box & avoided it. It was just a lunchbox. Someone was probably lunch-less now...but we take no chances.
9/11/01 is impossible for us to forget.

this was kind of rambly, but I hope you got the point.

whats there to be nervous about?

uhhhh...how bout everything?

A couple months ago [weeks ago?] when my older sister asked me if i'd be interested in reading something at our older brothers wedding my initial thought was "NO!" & then it was "ABSOLUTELY NOT"...of course I didn't say exactly what I was thinking. I just respectfully declined. why? because i'm a bit of a "p-word" (to be completely honest). I DO NOT do public speaking. I remember stumbling, fumbling, flubbing, & sweating my way through mediocre speeches in my public speaking class - fortunately that semester we had a unusual amount of snow days & most of my assignments ended up being written & written I do very well!
But getting up in front of more than 2 people & reciting something? no thanks...
normally that would be "all she wrote" in regards to me speaking publicly
but then
my brother asked me himself.
YIKES
ru the p-word showed up first & respectfully declined - as she was pretty much born to do...but I was slightly hesitant which I had never been before.
I started thinking
and thinking and thinking and thinking
about how this wedding, my older brother's wedding, is the first of its kind for this family.
How could I pass up participating in something so significant & just so normal? and because I'm scared?
I couldn't help but think "what would my mother do?" or "what would my mother think?"
She would go up there & read the ish out of that passage - thats one.
& She'd want me to stop being a "p-word" thats for sure.
Maybe this isn't the best time to try & face my fears, maybe I should have started slow?...but if not now, when?
So i'm going to spend the next couple of hours psyching myself up.
I'm going to trick myself into believing that i'm going to be awesome.
I'm wearing flats, so i'm going to be as comfortable as possible.
I should wear my glasses so when I look up it'll all be a blur...
hmmmm...picture everyone naked?
that could get awkward.
I'm gonna speak as loudly and with as much confidence as I can muster.
"Faux Swag" as I like to call it.

If I had just manned up and karaoke'd all those times getting up and reading about 15 sentences would be cake...
but i'll be fine right?
Whats there to be nervous about?...right?

"Say no to everyone but your mother."**

I had a tranny palm reader tell me that last night.

She walked over in an outfit that glistened from head to toe. I was skeptical as I always am, but also very scared. Things like that -psychics, clairvoyants, magicians, people in costumes - scare me. I never know what to expect & there is a part of me that needs to know what to expect, but not what I should expect in the long run...ya know like something that a tranny psychic would say.
As I watched and listened to her/him accurately read my friends palm [despite the fact that he had given her/him the wrong sign] my curiosity took over. I had to let it happen. I had to know, so I tentatively gave her my hand...
She showed me my love line & whatever she called that line that symbolized (is that the word im looking for? probably not...) my career.
The first thing she said to me was

"you're in a position to get everything you want, but you're procrastinating."

I was sold immediately. She went on to tell me that I was unhappy in my current living situation, that i was unhappy at work, she told me that when it came to my love life that I didn't want for admirers, but i was picky...again TOTES ACCURATE, but i didn't even need to hear the rest of that stuff.
I was completely convinced of her legitimacy as soon as she told me I was procrastinating...
Is that not what has been on my mind these past couple of weeks? months?
Have I not been wanting to change? to procrastinate less?
I need to really get things going - for real this time...

...because if hearing it from a tranny palm reader isn't motivation enough I don't
know what is.

**oh & about that "saying no to everyone but my mother"...i totally get what he/she means. I can be too much of a "yes" woman sometimes, that desperate need I have to please everyone, but myself...time to start saying no, and saying it to everyone but my mother shouldn't be too difficult for me at all.

State Your Purpose

Its labor day already? Where did summer go? Where did 2011 go?

My facebook newsfeed is filled with "back to school" statuses: "back on campus!", "moving in!","senior year!", "first night back!" & while there is part of me that is glad to be past that point in my life, there is still that other part of me that wishes I was stocking up on 5 subject notebooks, mechanical pencils, multicolored post its & highlighters [school supply shopping was always my favorite].

There came a point in my senior year when I had to decide whether I was going to start that dreaded graduate school application process or take the easy way out (turns out the easy way? not so easy at all). After 17 years of school in a row I decided I needed a little time off [I was also under the impression that, degree in hand, I would be able to find a Monday-Friday 9am-5pm, weekends & holidays off dream job with the greatest of ease].

So I gave myself 1 year - I figured that was pretty standard. This year off would give me time to figure things out ya know? to relax, to job hunt, to apartment hunt, and to give the necessary time and energy to applying to grad school.

So here I am its been over a year now & I'm not going back to school this fall. I missed all the deadlines I needed to make in order to be starting a MFA program this fall & I really have no one else to blame...so what do I do? The only thing I can do is start now, but that is already proving to be a little difficult for me.

There are 3 schools on my list [more about those schools to come] & they each ask for the same things:
recommendations, transcripts, resume/cv, literary analysis
and then they ask for a "personal statement" [UGH]
500+ words of me talking about myself? theres too much room for that to end up resembling some kind of self deprecating blog post
and as if thats not bad enough
one application actually asks me for a STATEMENT OF PURPOSE. how dare they?! I don't know what my purpose is! Trust me things would be a lot easier if i did & I mean if I'm applying to your program my purpose is to obviously attend your program...DUH?

But in all seriousness...I don't know what my purpose is. Its something I struggle with everyday. What am I doing here? What do I want to do? What is my plan? and ultimately What is my purpose? Not only in applying to a MFA program, attending that MFA, [hopefully surviving it and] receiving that MFA, but also what am I going to do with that MFA?
What am I going to do with my life?
Its a question I've been avoiding for some time now, and I'm not feeling all that great about being somewhat forced to face it, but I mean now a days if I'm not forced to do something I won't do it at all.
Maybe its time I stop running away from this? Maybe its time I face this head on?

Maybe its time I state my purpose?

on losing hope...& trying to find it again.

I am under the assumption that I've done everything right. Yes, I have been known to make bad and somewhat desperate decisions, but for the most part I think I've stuck to the plan [that i can only assume] my mother may have had for me.

I made it through k-8th grade & into one of the best catholic high schools for girls in NYC.
I [circa] survived that high school experience -there was a lot of angst - earning thousands of dollars in academic scholarships, sponsorships, and financial support at southern new hampshire university.
I barely survived that college experience [I am sometimes still in awe of the fact that I made it out alive].

I graduated in May 2010 [with honors i might add - despite a freshman year 1st semester gpa of 2.5 which resulted in me losing my place in the honors program & the scholarship that came with it & a few Cs in economics & every math course i was forced to take] with a BA in Creative Writing & English.

I was ready for [what i thought would be] my real life to begin...& it did, but it wasn't anything i'd expected.

I had so much [of what i now hesitate to call] hope. I had a resume that I thought would get me any job I wanted. I had the tiny bit of experience that I figured would get my foot in the door at any publishing company I wanted to work for. I had a bachelor's degree that I referred to [only in my head] as the golden ticket. I have learned the hard way that this is not easy.

I will admit that initially I did not put the effort that a new graduate should put into trying to find a job in new york city. I decided to take a month or so off to just "chill" & that month of "chillin'" has turned into 14 months of flailing.

I went from frolicking in ankle deep mud, amidst weed smoking neo-hippies & some of the biggest [& smallest] musicians in the world at Bonnaroo 2010 to dusting every shelf on the 4th floor of F21 TSQ with a roll of toilet paper & a nearly empty bottle of "windex."

"Is this real life?" is a question that I find I ask myself almost every single day.

Others would find this post grad limbo to be motivating in some way shape or form. I on the other hand look at it as a means to justify why [when i'm not at "work" where I am completely over-worked & underappreciated] i spend most of my time sleeping, eating, refreshing my tumblr page every 5 minutes, & occasionally drinking too much.

I've lost "hope".

I figure ya know...i've been a pretty good kid. I've done everything I was supposed to do right? Things are supposed to just fall into my lap now, right? I've earned it, no? where is my dream job? where is my dream apartment? where is my dream life? my real life? I'm not supposed to be living in my aunt's "tv room" in Jamaica, Queens. I should be living that very coveted lifestyle that every other degreed twenty-something in new york city is living...right? I've "been through a lot, and have overcome it. I've been through hell & back. the highs, and all the lows.
Am I not deserving of "the good life"? [whatever it may be]

Some would say no because i've given up
and I would said "well can you blame me?"
and they would probably remind me that it wasn't easy accomplishing everything I accomplished. It wasn't even that easy getting the "job" i have now [i stood in line for 5 hours]
"so why stop now?"

and then the old me would say
"well i've done all i can do, and thats that."

but this "new me" - the one i'm still struggling to be - would say its time to "make moves"

I'm not really sure of what moves I need to make -i'm never really sure of anything anymore-, but I think if I can manage to channel the 15 year old in me -the dreamer- I'll figure something out.

"so this is my life..."

i've been meaning to do this for some time now - to start over.
i think i need this now more than ever...a way to get out of this rut - this ditch, this post grad limbo that i've been flailing in for some time now - a way to get un-stuck.

so what now? what is my plan?

i've got four months to turn "it" all around...




...stay tuned.