"dieeeee, internet generation kid, dieeeee"

Those are the exact words my dad said to me when I had a panic attack about our modem just dyinggggggggggg on us on thursday.
& why in the 21st century does it take an internet service provider 4 days to have someone come out & replace a modem (and the outside wires that somehow got all messed up outta nowhere)?!
So what does one whose laptop is pretty much glued to her fingertips do without internet connection for 4 days?
1. make many attempts to steal wireless from neighbors
2. cry about those failed attempts.
3. nap.
4. discover new television channels (i.e. CLOO).
5. extra GRE prep.
6. nap.
Oh and I worked a couple shifts at the "store" in between there...

I wish I could say that I went out & lived life & was way more productive without the internet, but thats just NOT the case. I had so much to do - emails to send out, applications to start. It was such a set back, but i've got a brand new modem & a faster connection...i'm ready to hit the ground running!

But I also did a lot of thinking about what I used to do before I became so dependent on the internet.

Remember when all we had was AOL dial up, and if our mothers/fathers/sisters/brothers/etc... needed to make a phone call that was pretty much it for our AIM conversations? What did we do when we shuffled off to our rooms? homework? day dream? wait patiently until the longgggg (& seemingly unnecessary) phone convo was over?

____

oh & a lovelyyyyyyy shout out! & graciassss to Maike who gave meee a lil shout in herrrr blog ::bows::
check it out *HERE*

...& my head already feels like its about to explode.

My brain hurts.

-end post-

No but really. I'm less than 48 hours into the graduate school application process and i'm already kinda, sorta completely over it. Its been almost 6 years since my undergraduate application process, and that was cake compared to this, and back then I had no idea what I was doing.
Not only do I have to write the required admissions essay, but I also have to seemingly pull 15 pages of "nonfiction prose" out of thin air.
This is what I get for deviating from my original plan.
Original plan: MFA in Creative Writing
New plan: MA in Publishing & Writing
I've already got about 60 pages of fiction just sitting around on a flash drive.
I dug through my undergrad notebooks and was able to find about 6 pages total of some mediocre essays I wrote for my sophomore year nonfiction workshop.
Its going to take some real talent to turn that into anything I'd want anyone reading...ever.
& as if that wasn't enough of a bump in the road to my master's degree, I also discovered that this program is one of the ONLY liberal arts/writing programs to require the GRE!

My reaction: "NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!"

& my face for the next 51 days will look something like this -> O_O as I spend almost all of my free time reacquainting myself with the dreaded standardized test, memorizing vocabulary, & trying to acquire the intermediate math skills I failed to acquire many many many times before.

Needless to say I've got a lot to get done in a very short period of time.

GRE test date: December 15
Application deadline: January 15

How will I get through this?
By:
1. Taking deep breaths
I'm prone to getting overwhelmed pretty easily & quickly. I've got to remember to just breathe.

2. Giving myself a lil more credit
I've really got to stop freaking out. Its as if I haven't done this before and that is so not the case. I've taken many a standardized test & I have written many an essay. So why am I feeling so overwhelmed? Possibly because its been almost 2 years since I've had to do anything like this? Part of me regrets taking so much time off...but I think I can do this. Actually I'm pretty certain I can do this, I just have to...get out of bed.

"Studying" in bed has proved to be somewhat impossible since my body is seemingly programmed to just shut down as soon as it hits my mattress.
I'm going to try sitting indian style on the floor, and if that doesn't prove to be better for me & my quantitative reasoning skills then maybeeee i'll try sitting at the desk...baby steps.

Wish me luck!...because I reallyyyyy need it.

A [Blind?] Leap of Faith

It was as if the universe was just waiting for me to finally take things into my own hands. He/She/It wanted me to stop talking, take a quick break from the planning, and actually DO something...so I did...and so it did.

What drives someone to quit their job at 4am with no backup plan? - no money saved (which i still cant believe) & no job lined up?
I wouldn't even advise my worst enemy to do such a thing, but I did it & it was not the smartest move i've ever made,but it was a move & thats what counts right?
I was scared, and then I was anxious, and then there was the regret and the panic! the "what am i going to do now?", "how long before i run out of money?", "what happens when I run out of episodes of Psych, The Office, & 30 rock?" How cruel would unemployment be to me this time??
After the panic came the realization that the move I made, while kind of stupid, was just what I needed. I'd been telling myself for days that I had to do something drastic & the universe agreed. Driven by professional frustration & a need to get out of a 15 month rut I resigned.

I kind of had to trick myself into believing that everything would be okay - everything would work out. I only kinda sorta believed it at first.
I then told the universe that if He/She/It would take the wheel from here I would be eternally grateful, eternally thankful - forever in its debt.

But first! I had to put some more work in...

What drives a person to submit a bunch of online applications & send out a couple resumes at 7am?
[I guess the same thing that drives a person to resign from a job at 4am, yeah?]


so check this out!

7am: complete & submit application at __________.com
8am: finally fall asleep after working 8pm-4am, getting home at 6am, [panicked] job hunting, & breakfast making
10:30am: get woken up by a call from the aforementioned _____________ & having a quick phone interview where a second interview is scheduled

really universe? results? already? I was so grateful.

Cut to the next day.
(only 34 hours after resigning from the only job I was able to get fresh out of college**.)

A nervous & desperate yet confident me getting interviewed...& hired!

What universe?? now you're just showing off! How can I ever repay you?!

I don't think anyone I frantically tex'd (an acceptable past tense form of text - google it) or emailed that night would have thought things would turn around for me as quickly as they did - I still can't believe it. Its like this whirlwind! Luckily I have the week to recover.

I'm so so so ready to start over & I'm glad its happening so soon.
I'm gonna use this new opportunity to plan better: more saving, grad school apps, etc...

I haven't felt this excited or motivated in a ridiculously long time.

Its...refreshing.


** & to that place i have to say "its been real. maybe a little too real."

Vice [Vahys]

noun
1. an immoral or evil habit or practice. Synonyms: fault, failing, foible, weakness. Antonyms: virtue.

[Unfortunately] I think its pretty common knowledge that I enjoy a good happy hour. I like adult beverages & I like spending as little money as possible - but I guess doubling up on the beverages kind of defeats the purpose right? I digress...
While I wouldn't call my affinity for $5 margaritas "immoral" or "evil habit" I do think it is definitely a bit of a weakness.

If you're 21+ & living in NYC I think you've discovered by now that even though you think you've found all the bargains, "going out" is pretty expensive! Every $3 well drink, every $4 draft, every $3 PBR can/Whiskey Shot combo definitely adds up.

I've been trying to save up for ummm about a year now? and I've struggled and it blew my mind because I'd never had such a hard time.
When I was at school in New Hampshire I was making significantly less & had more money to my name then than I do now that I'm making twice as much. How is that possible?

Yes I have to factor in things like transportation ($108 monthly metrocards) & the amount of money I spend on food in Times Square, but I also tend to just throw money at waitresses & bartenders like its nothing. I justify it by saying "wellllll I like it sooooo", but like really? I know this "lifestyle" is financially draining yet I have just refused to make the necessary cutbacks.

Well no more!
I've decided I'm taking a little break.
My initial time frame was from now until January 1 2012, but if it can last longer than that why not? When I became a vegetarian in 2005 I had absolutely no idea i'd still be one now in 2011.

Not only do I need to do this for my bank account, but I kind of think I need to do this for me. My fondness for coconut flavored rum has taken on a bit of a negative connotation and I don't like it one bit.
This is not something that should define me so if I have to distance myself from it for a lil while I'll do it. I shouldn't feel bad about anything I do ya know? and I think in order to get back to place of feeling good about my decisions I need this break.
It will be somewhat of a detox - cleansing.

I'm excited about this decision I'm making. I'm excited to spend my time working on other things & I'm excited to save.
I'm excited to start over.

...& as for my other vice, shopping, ehhhh...i mean we can't walk around naked right?
&
you can shop online at zara now

this is about baby steps people ; )

On Learning To Be A Little More Selfish & A Little Less Hard On Myself

1. On learning to be a little more selfish

What factors do you consider when attempting to make life decisions? What do you keep in mind when considering important "moves"? How much of the final decision is actually yours?
When I look back on some of the major decisions I've made, I don't see that much of me in them, and I'm not quite sure how to feel about that. If I didn't make those decisions for myself then for who/whom [ugh, my grammar sometimes]?
I guess to be fair I haven't had to make that many important decisions. I guess the biggest ones so far?
1. Where to attend high school
2. Where to attend college
3. what to study in college
4. Grad school or no grad school?
I chose a good high school, I chose a great university (although I didn't think so at the time), & I chose what I believe to be the perfect major for me.
I think my biggest screw up so far was deciding on "no grad school." But I guess in my defense I needed a break. 17 straight years of school? Like can I relax for a bit? And most of those years were pretty overwhelming! But I guess when I look back at it now uhhh I'd rather be up writing papers all night in some campus library than folding tanks tops & running "go backs."
I guess where I am not being selfish enough is in the decisions I have yet to make - the decisions that will help me get out of the situation i'm in.
Why haven't I seriously considered moving out of state? Wouldn't that be one of the best moves I could make? New York City is "bringing me down", its draining my bank account. I love it, but I just can't afford to be here right now. so why not leave? Am I thinking too much about missing my friends? Am I thinking too much about missing this city that completely draining in so many ways? I know for a fact that most of the people in my life would make what they considered the best decision for them without hesitation. Isn't that the smartest thing to do? Why am I always so willing to put myself on the back burner?

that being said. . .

2. On Learning to be a little less hard on myself
I don't think there is anyone more critical of me than me. If it was up to me I don't think I would exist.
I don't know where this distorted self image comes from, but I feel like I've always had it. I guess maybe it developed some time during my awkward teen years. Maybe I'm stuck in this like perpetual "awkward teen year"
The very few times that I was able to step outside of myself & look at the things i've done in my 23 years I've been pretty pleased, but I will always think I've never done enough. I will always feel like I am incapable of doing more. I need to find a way to move forward. I need to have a more positive self image.I'm not sure if this is something that will come with time.
I've just got to start believing that I am not all that bad. I'm pretty okay right?

twenty-three.

"Amazing still it seems/I'll be 23/I won't always love what I'll never have/I won't always live in my regrets. . ." -Jimmy Eat World, 23

I had been 16 for about 5 days when the album Futures by Jimmy Eat World was released. Of course - being as angst-y as I was & still am - I could relate to the album, but could I really understand it?
23 is the last song on the album. Now 8 years later & newly 23 I think I can fully understand most of the songs lyrics. They relate to my life more than my 16 year old self could have known.
In the past 8 years I've done a lot of loving what "I'll never have", and I have more regrets than I like to admit.

I am nowhere near where I thought 23 year old Rudine would be. I don't know if its because I dream too big, because I have these almost fantasmical visions of how the life of a twenty something in New York City should be or if its simply because I have no "follow through".

23 - I don't think many people give that age much thought.
18, 21, 25 = early majors
22-24 are those in between ages.
I think I can equate age 22 most to that "post grad limbo" I often refer to, and I think that's why I'm so looking forward to 23.
I think I will spend 23 fixing things and if all goes according to plan I will spend 24 living the life I only dreamed of living at 22, and then I'll spend 25 curled up in the fetal position and crying because I am now a quarter of a century old - eek!

Happy Birthday to Me! [& my twin brother! - present in the picture that accompanies this post!]

I expect only the best & thats because I am going to take an active role in making it "the best"

Currently Reading

But first!

I finished Downtown Owl by Chuck Klosterman the other night, and it kind of meant more to me than I could ever really explain...but I will try.

I used to be such a voracious [had to use it! - one of my fav words. mostly because it ends in -ious) reader - meaning I used to read A LOT. I have boxes of books from my elementary school days: nancy drew series, sabrina the teenage witch, sweet valley high, babysitters club...& I have most of the books from my teen years: gossip girl series etc...
& then theres the trunk in the basement filled with all the contemporary lit I started compiling once I hit college - both the required reading & the books I read & re-read for pleasure...
There was something about assigned books that sucked the love of reading right out of me at times, but I was always able to get that back come winter break.
When I got The Brief Wondrous Life of Oscar Wao from my brother for Christmas a couple years ago I woke up one afternoon a few days later & read & read & read until it had been almost 8 hours & i was done (i had to break for meals & a lil interwebbing obvi).
Thats the kind of reader I was but then I lost it. I think maybe around the same time that I lost my motivation for most other things like ya know...life? Its been a long time since I've done most of the things I used to love to do so when I finished Downtown Owl in just a matter of days (maybe weeks but I mean I was only reading on the train soooo hmmmm 1 hour commutes to & from work for about 2 weeks...days...maybe even less than 24 hours soooo possibly even 1 day?) I felt this overwhelming sense of relief. not accomplishment. relief. I felt like my old self again and even more so when I got home & immediately took my bookmark* out of Downtown Owl & put it into The Corrections by Jonathan Franzen which I am already loving.
You know that really anxious feeling you get when you're getting wayyy too close to the end of a good book?
I can't wait to feel that again
(I almost stopped reading Downtown Owl because I didn't want it to be over...ever).

so yea...baby steps ::nods::

Shout out to strand -one of my favorite places everrr- for having both books for less than $6 each!
They are both great ways to ease myself back into 2666 by Roberto Bolano, a book that I have been reading for about 3 years now.

Oh & really, girl who kicked the hornets nest? when are you going to be released in paperback so that I may read you??? The hardcover is 1. too expensive 2. too heavy** & 3. will mess up my collection of the millenium triology in paperback!

*more on my awesome bookmark to come ::nods::
** e-books? we will discuss...

Snooki Is A New York Times "Best Selling Author"

This fact might lead some to think "well if she can do it I can DEFINITELY do it!"
All it does is cause me to ask myself "Why bother?"
I will be the first to admit that Jersey Shore is one of my guilty pleasures. Until recently I tuned into that show religiously & was known to watch the same exact episode a couple hours later just so I could be entertained all over again, but do I think Snooki should have 2 published books before I do? Absolutely not!
Its bad enough she's getting paid thousands of dollars an episode to do things that must of us do for free every weekend, but now shes reaching & even surpassing my life goals? before me? How dare she!
I've known since I was 10 years old that I wanted to write novels for a living. I filled up a 1 subject 70 page notebook with a terrible mystery story starring all the members of my very small 5th grade class & read it over & over again victoriously, thinking "this is what I want to do always."
It wasn't until yearssss later that I found out that only about 1% of writers actually get published.
Devastating right?
At first, it didn't phase me, but the fact that Snooki & her busty companion J-Woww are both now in that 1% phases me.
I spent 4 years of my life writing & re-writing-learning & perfecting my craft-and its possible that nothing will come of it.
Snooki & Jwoww? all they had to do was tan,give themselves ridiculous nicknames, & get drunk on public television & Presto! Book deal!
So again I ask myself "Why bother???"
What does it say about the industry when Snooki is a new york times best seller?
Who bought this book? I'd like to meet them...I just have a few questions.
Would they ever read my books? Would I want them too?
How long did it take snooki to write this book anyway? A shore thing, a "novel" about 2 girls at the shore for the summer - how original? how...creative?
Do I sound bitter?
I'm a little bitter...

"Phew, for a minute there I lost myself, I lost myself..."**

Have you ever just woken up one day, looked yourself in the mirror, and asked "who am i?"
Lately I do this all the time. I'm never really sure who I'm asking. Am I asking myself? That's definitely a question I'm struggling to answer right now.
There is one place in particular that I walk into everyday & I can feel the change. I become a different person and I'm starting to notice it now...and i'm starting to hate it. I'm starting to hate her. Who is this girl??? so blatantly inauthentic. Would I even be friends with this girl if she wasn't "me"?
What has changed exactly? and why?
I think that what bothers me most about this other girl is that no one knows the difference between us. They have these presumptions now, these notions, these expectation (good & bad). They think this girl is the real me & she's not. She's an imposter.

I used to be pretty sure of who I was & who I was going to be. Now I don't even know.
I miss the knowing.
Yes some of the change has been good & sometimes its okay that some of the lines are blurred
But theres still something about this girl that makes me uneasy, uncomfortable.
I don't like her reputation. I don't like the decisions she makes.
I think I like her best when she is dormant, but I think I'd definitely like her better if she didn't exist.
I think I have so much more to offer than she does, and I may even be a bit more sane...as much of a stretch as that is.

I think its safe to assume that we all have felt this way at some point in time...kind of lost.
Feeling like we've lost ourselves.
Wanting to find them again.

Can I reintroduce myself?*

* Yes, as soon as i wrote this "allow me to reintroduce mnyself my name is HOV..." started looping in my brain.
**Kudos to anyone who knows what song this is from.

Keep Calm & . . .

This is me keeping calm: "Breathe. It's ooooo-kay. Everything is ooooo-kay. Relax. This is just temporary. You got this. You can do this."

This is me freaking out: "why is this my life? I can't do this. I don't want to do this. I've changed my mind about this entire life thing. Can I start over? I can't start over?!"

I could easily insert those conversations I had with myself last night into the conversation 27-30 year old Rudine will be having with herself during childbirth.

Where was I going with this again?
oh!
I've come to realize that freaking out is easiest for me. Trying to keep calm takes too much effort, too much coaching, too much faking it. Freaking out for me is more authentic. I think i'd kinda freak people out if I wasn't freaking out...ya know?
It would kind of throw things off.
How do I get "calm" to be the norm for me?
I am pretty convinced that a "calm" way of life would be better for me but one can never be too sure. I think I would miss that whirlwind of chaos I can so easily create for myself.

What could be more motivating than having the kind of night I had last night? Not wanting to feel that way ever again is the best motivation.
&
how fortunate to have a British WWII motivational poster as an aid?