"Are you reading, writing, laughing?"

I got very brief e-mail from my former academic advisor turned current life advisor & she closed it by asking a question that kept me thinking for hours...

Am I reading?

I finished Is Everybody Hanging Out Without Me? (And Other Concerns) by Mindy Kaling about 2 weeks ago now and i've been forcing myself not to reread it every since.
Before that I finally finished The Corrections by Jonathan Franzen. It took me a while - Its a great book but I just wasn't in the right state of mind. It was hard for me to stay focused. It was emotionally heavy, there was a lot to take in, a lot to feel. Mindy's book was very refreshing and light & just what I needed to really get back into reading mode.
I have dozens of books that serve as proof that I used to be a reader, but if there ever was a symbol of my lack of motivation for/dedication to anything, including reading, it is 2666 by Roberto Bolano.
I have been "reading" this book for going on about 3 years now? I purchased it the summer after my junior year at SNHU. My advisor/professor was & probably still is pretty obsessed with all things Bolano & is the biggest cheerleader for this 800+ page novel.
I've attempted to get past page 56 about 4 times & have failed miserably. I don't know what it is - the novel reads pretty easily & despite being about .01% in there is plenty of "drama" that if it were happening to people I know & not fictional characters in London would have me hooked.
I think I just keep looking at the book & thinking "there is no way i'm going to finish that" & as long as I keep saying that its most definitely going to be true...so i've decided to give this 800 pager another go...I have also given myself a deadline. I need to be finished with it by February 21st...because thats when The Girl Who Kicked The Hornets Nest by Stieg Larson is finally released on paperback...i have been waiting for that for ummm almost 2 years now?!
So
Am I reading?
Yes.

Am I Writing?

I have dozens of notebooks that prove that I used to be a writer. I say used to because writers write & I haven't been doing much of that lately.
I can't say that I'm not writing anymore because I don't have any stories to tell, any thing I need to get off of my chest & out of my head...because trust me I DO.
I just haven't been making the time for it, and thats the number one rule isn't it? make time to write?
I've been taking baby steps toward that with this blog but these are just the ramblings of a frustrated 20 something...
This form of writing keeps me where I am. I need to start writing fiction again so I can live vicariously through my characters.
I really do miss it & much like the attempt I'm making to finish the unfinishable novel...i'm going to make that time to create.
So
Am I writing?
Kind of...
and in a few weeks I'd like to be able to ask myself that question again & say
"Yes, yes I am..."

Am I Laughing?

I've been watching a lot of How I Met Your Mother lately so...yes, I am laughing.
I am laughing a lot.
I love laughing. I love that no matter how sad I am feeling, how anxious, how frustrated, how discouraged, how anything, if something is funny I am going to laugh & I am going to laugh until I can feel the muscles in my stomach begin to resist the laughter, I am going to laugh until I feel great again.
I can lose my motivation to read, my dedication to writing, but the laughter? that never goes away...

How is it possible that my advisor was able to basically ask me if everything was alright in my life in only 5 words?
If the answer to all 3 parts of those questions is ever "NO" then I've really got some living to do
but as long as the answers are yes, kind of, & yes...then I know i'm doing a lot better than I think I am...*

*i used a lot of ellipsis in this post. I use it a lot in my life. its a terrible habit, but i love it and i refuse to stop. especially in something as informal as my own blog.
It is only one of the grammatical liberties I take. i rarely ever capitalize the letter "I", Im pretty sure I never actually learned proper comma usage and have managed to make it through high school, college, & a editing internship without it, & I use "-" way too much because I get attached to sentences and never want them to end.

"Always Wear Flats and Have Your Friends Sleep Over: A Step-by-Step How-To Guide for Avoiding Getting Murdered"

a few more alternate titles for Mindy Kaling's collection of essays?

The Girl with No Tattoo
I Want Dirk Nowitzki to Host Saturday Night Live So Much That I'm Making it the Title of my Book
&
There Has Ceased to Be a Difference Between My Awake Clothes and My Asleep Clothes*

While I was able to make instant connections to these possible titles, I'm kind of glad she went with Is Everyone Hanging Out Without Me? (And Other Concerns) because its the question girls like me have been asking ourselves since 7th grade.

Lets be honest...who knew Mindy Kaling was such a jane of all trades? Obviously as a pretty big fan of The Office, I knew almost everything one needed to know about Kelly Kapor, but what did I know about Mindy Kaling other than that she was the actress who played Kelly Kapor?
I'd seen her name pop up as co-executive producer but what did that mean anyway?
I'm not one to really check out all the credits for a show or any particular episode but if I had I would have learned that Mindy has been a writer on The Office since season 1 & that she has already directed a couple episodes.

Other things I learned about Mindy Kaling:
1. she loves making lists (this book consists mostly of lists)
2. her real name is vera & her "american name" comes from the show Mork & Mindy
3. She grew up in Massachusetts
3. She went to Dartmouth...IN NEW HAMPSHIRE (Dear Min, I went to college in New Hampshire too can we be besties?)
4. she has pretty much known since birth that she wanted to be a comedienne
5. she is a writer, actor, producer, director, shop-a-holic, & knower of pretty much all things awkward
6. she & rainn wilson mask their rock solid friendship by publicly hating each other
7. she is everything I would love to be

Here is why
Well obviously because she nailed her very first attempt at writing a book. It took her about a year & a half but it seems effortless. If i wanted to, I could have read this book in one sitting. "...And Other Concerns" is only about 220 pages, but even if it was 500 I still could have just sat in my bed indian style, flipping pages, laughing hysterically, and taking note of every quote that made me go "get out of my head, min!" [about half way through I started calling her Min, we're that cool...well we would be if we knew each other ::nods::]
instead
I kept stopping myself whenever the book started getting too good. I didn't want it to end...ever...and when it did (as I sat in the break room at my job)...my life suddenly lacked some purpose.

My purpose for the last 2 days had been to read this book, fall in love (in the most heterosexual, non fatal attraction-ish way possible) with mindy, and be inspired.
Is Everyone Hanging Out Without Me? made me want to write a book, it made me want to write a play based on ben affleck & matt damon or w/e the current bromance is? maybe I could have tackled brad & clooney ::nods::
it made me want to keep at everything i'm doing now because even Mindy had to suffer through the post-grad limbo, working jobs you never thought you'd have work, dealing with people you never thought you'd have to deal with & look at her now!

I think in order to be as successful as she has, both in her career & personal life, you'd have to kind of look at life the way she does. She's super light & funny about it. Yes shes emotional & rambly like the rest of us but she turned some of her most embarrassing experiences into an amazing-ly written book.
You have to be accepting of yourself in ways you never thought you could be ::nods::

What else can I say about this book other than that it is my mid 20s bible & Mindy Kaling just might have passed Oprah** as my own personal Jesus?

All that is left for me to say about Is Everyone Hanging Out Without Me? (And Other Concerns) without completely giving it away:

1. buy it.
2. read it.
3. you will love it...i promise.
4. i think boys can read it too but they probably won't really get it...especially when she goes into how pierce brosnan's chest hair pretty much changed her life
5. upon completion of her book you will conclude that Mindy is everyone you would ever want to know rolled into one awesome person...& if not then...whatever your opinion doesn't reallllllly matter anyway! just mine & min's!...i'm kidding...kind of?

Oh! & have you not heard of "Androgynous Kids & Puppets"?***


*for the rest of the list please see page 7 of this extraordinary piece of non-fiction ::nods::
**i initially typed her name with a lower case "o" & spell checked promptly notified me of my blasphemy...Oprah [capital "O", ya'll!] maintains her #1 spot on my list of "Jesuses"
***the final reason i think you should get, read, & love this book immediately

Now what?

I submitted my graduate school application this morning. Did I ever mention that I was doing just 1?
It was probably the most anxious 5 minutes of my life.

Things I thought would happen while I was in the middle of submitting my online application:
1. my computer would implode
2. the internet would suddenly disappear & cease to exist
3. i would hit the wrong button & both of my essays would disintegrate right before my eyes
4. it would suddenly be January 16th & I missed the deadline

None of that happened but they totally could have ::nods::
So I checked & double checked & triple checked my application from beginning to end. Everything was in order. I clicked submit & paid that $60 application fee...which is $60 that I could have used on a couple medium pizzas & some cheesy bread or like savings or something, but I guess $60 to have the chance to further my education isn't too bad right?

Application filled out? check. resume attached? check. essays attached? check. transcript on its way? check. recommendations? those are kind of at a c-h-e... i hope to have that be a check by the end of the week...so I submitted the application & felt the weight being lifted off of my brain. For that past couple of months I've been obsessing about my GRE and this application & now I can focus on other things like being incredibly jealous of Mindy Kaling for writing one of the best books I've ever read (despite being only half way through I can already declare & stand by that statement) & just being jealous of her overall amazing-ness.

I can focus on searching for a second job? preferably at a dominos...how much is their discount? and exactly how fast is my metabolism?
I could also put all this energy I will now have into going to bikram yoga like i've been wanting...hmmmmm
I will welcome all these distractions because the waiting is whats really going to kill me. Writing those essays were pretty anxiety inducing, but the waiting?! geesh...
I mean it would be okay if I knew for sure that I was waiting for an acceptance letter but ya know sometimes an application is just an application...actually most of the time ::nods::

Fortunately I have a pretty good track record:
[if i completely ignore that time I applied to the New School University in a desperate attempt to escape New Hampshire...umm I had like a -2.6 gpa & hadn't quite developed my amazing essay-ing skills]
I got into all of the high schools I applied to back in 8th grade, I got into all 5 colleges/universities I applied to when I was a senior in high school soooo lets keep this record going...yeah?

All of that aside
this is a pretty vulnerable time for me. Most apply to at the very least 4 graduate schools. I made the decision to apply to just 1 - to put all of my "eggs" in one "basket."
This will work out & be the best decision I've ever made orrrrrrrr it will not work out & be the worst decision i've ever made. I'll either be making this great move to another city & starting over & all these good things or I will continue to be a jaded new yorker who hates her job & would rather spend her days in bed watching never say never on netflix [but i mean i'd probably do that either way ::nods::]
Also, what will everyone think of me? my fam, my friends, my recommendation providers, my colleagues...
Will they think I'm a failure? because thats definitely what i'm going to think...hmmmm

I definitely thought I'd feel much better once everything was submitted & out of my hands & thrown into the universe's hands but
it just doesn't get any less traumatizing does it?

What is the life of an overly emotionally unstable twenty-something if it is not full of anxiety?

So now what?
I wait & I make it to maybe 1 bikram yoga class & wait & maybe start writing more like I promised baby new year I would & wait & try to forget what i'm waiting for & wait & maybe do some knitting? & wait...

& then
...what?

4 Years To Last A Lifetime...?

I often second guess most [if not all] of the decisions i've made, but I can confidently say that I have never ever regretted choosing the Academy of Mt St. Ursula [Bronx, NY] to spend the most awkwardly amazing years of my life.

Can you believe that its been 6 years since I graduated high school? because i can't. It still blows my mind. 6 years since graduation means 10 years since I started there, which means its been about 9 years since NSYNC broke up & that is just insane!
But, in the words of my HS Italian teacher, "I digress."

I went back to high school today, ya'll.
I attended the AMSU Young Alumnae Retreat & it was everything I expected & more...
As my best friend of apparently ummm 9&1/2 years now & I walked to the top of the hill on which our high school sits we could almost smell the four years we spent there. It was as if nothing had changed, like we had stepped right back into the past & how I wish that was a real possibility.

We spent the next 5+ hours reconnecting with some of our classmates, our favorite teacher, and a lot of the girls who had been lil ursuline babies when we graduated & who are now all grown up.

Yes, we were all reunited but it was also a retreat so of course we eventually had to get down to the business of praying.
It has been a really long time since I've had to "prepare myself to be in the presence of God", but I think I did a pretty good job.

The theme of the retreat was "New Year, New Attitude, New Life" & it couldn't have been more perfect. We talked about coping with stress, dealing with where we are or aren't in our lives, using this new year to focus on ourselves...all things I needed desperately.
I could not be more appreciative.

I remember getting to school early in the mornings, leaving late in the evenings & loving every minute of it.
So why haven't I been back as much as I always swore I would?
Well of course life has gotten in the way: going off the college, working, etc...
but I am so grateful to AMSU for always being there, for welcoming us all back with open arms.

As we were meditating in chapel this afternoon I couldn't help but tear up a little as I thought about how fortunate I was to attend AMSU when I did, to make the friends that I did, to make the connections I did with teachers turned advisers and friends.
My mother passed away at the end of my senior year there & I don't think that I could have survived my last month of school anywhere else. I know for a fact that it was an experience unique to Mt. St. Ursula.
Where else could I have made friends who would show up unexpectedly to my mother's funeral the day after prom?
No where.
and yes, again life has gotten in the way a few of those "friends" are no longer my "friends" but for that I will always be grateful.

& can I just say: like how lucky am I to still be best friends with the girls I was best friends with when I was 14???

If you know anything about AMSU you know its the oldest catholic all girls school in New York.
You know that its a pretty prestigious high school
but aside from the fact that we got a pretty awesome education and a pretty awesome network of professional women
we also got about 400+ sisters [whether we wanted them or not]!

We entered AMSU as a group of very different girls and left as a group of very different young women.
Despite all of our differences, because we went to AMSU, we'll always have so much more in common with each other than we will with maybe even our own daughters (unless we force them, as me & sasha b. plan to do, to go to AMSU! oh & disregarding that entire like blood relation thing).

I'd always kind of regretted never really considering joining a sorority of some sorts in college
but I finally realized today that DUH! I am already a part of an amazing sisterhood!...& I didn't even have to go through any of that pledging mess.

Since 2006 my life has been all over the place. I don't live in the same house I grew up in - I don't even live in the same borough. I can't really account for any of my childhood things: the contents of my room, my nsync dolls, my books...
but the one thing I do have and will always have is AMSU

WOW
nostalgia overrrrrrload
I'm done now.

I guess all I'm really saying is that I had a really great day. I guess all I'm really saying is that it was really great to go home...

Rudine '06

It can't possibly be 2012 already...

Oh but it is ::nods::

Remember when this, the last year on the mayan calendar, seemed so far away?
What happened to that? How are we only just hours away?
Does 2011 feel a little neglected maybe? Did we not give it enough TLC? It just came & went - & we all kind of hated it? no? I kinda feel bad now. It will have no chance to redeem itself unless of course it finds some way to take 2012's place ::nods:: or brokers some kind of deal with 2012 to right all of its wrongs & get back in our good graces ::nods::
All we really need to forget a terrible 2011 is an amazing 2012 & thats what I am banking on the most.

2012 will mean a lot of things for me.
It will mean:
2 years since I graduated college
6 years since I graduated high school [which just absolutely blows my mind]
6 years since my mom passed away [again another thing that just blows my mind & continues to break my heart]

2012 could also mean a lot of other things.
It could be the year I:
got into grad school
didn't get into grad school
finally moved out of the house & possibly out of the state
failed, yet again, to move out of the house & possibly out of the state

Do you see where I'm going with this??? 2012 can either be the most progressive year i've had in a very long time or it could be 2011 all over again.
& then what? I anxiously wait to leave 2012 and desperately welcome 2013?
Is this anyway to live? to keep wanting to forget the year before even existed? to put the coming year up on a pedestal which could then lead to disappointment?
I guess thats one way to think about it ::nods::

Or I could just look forward to saying "wow 2012! you were awesome! lets hope 2013 can live up to your awesome-ness!"
That'd be pretty great right?
Wouldn't we all just love that?

So!
Lets make 2012 the year we don't want to forget as badly as we all want to forget 2011?
Sounds good, right???

I think i'm going to do this month by month!
January 2012: the month I learned to relax
February 2012: the month I...
March 2012: the month I...!

Onward peeps! To 2012! I wish you all the most positive of years!

If it wasn't for Justin Bieber I wouldn't even have known it was Christmas

True story ::nods::

It was 55 degrees 2 days ago. There aren't many decorations up around the neighborhood. We didn't experience a mad rush of holiday shoppers at "work"...
I'm not feeling the holiday spirit at all. Where is it???? I think its in that Justin Bieber Christmas album - he sucked up all the holiday cheer and mass produced it for tweens (& myself). Its on repeat at work & its the only time I ever feel like its Christmas. I'm going to have to listen to it today so it feels like Christmas Eve! The Michael Buble album is on heavy rotation at work as well but his music makes me want to jump off an extremely tall building. The biebs' album makes me wanna buy presents!
& that I did!

I did 2 rounds of shopping this year. I managed to get almost everyones gifts in 1 day and all for less than $100! On the second round I spent a bit more but still all within my "budget" [i'll just have to spend the next couple of weeks NOT at chipotle]. Of course I got that buyers remorse I always get when I spend a large sum of money but its Christmas! (I think). This is the only time of year i'll spending this amount of money on anyone else ::nods:: & I mean if all goes according to the holiday gift giving tradition I will be getting something in return so as they say "its all good"

I finding that as I am getting older it is getting much more difficult to answer that "what do you want for christmas?" question...
because I really just never know anymore. When you're young and naive you ask for anything no matter the cost because you probably didn't know how much it cost anyway. But I mean now I know that I want that new blackberry but I obviously can't ask someone to drop $300+ on a phone that i'll just be upgrading when the newest one comes out in the near future anyway. Of course there are things we all want but at this age its better off we just buy them for ourselves ::nods::
I think at this point in my life I am just happy to get anything really. I'd actually be really appreciative of some socks right now as mine all have holes in the toes.
Remember when how awesome your Christmas was depended on how many gifts you received?
So not the case anymore...
I think i'm most excited for the food!...& the eggnog.

I was going somewhere with this..hmmm...

Right!
But if i had to answer that dreaded question:

All I really want for Christmas this year is to get into grad school & to move out of nyc for a bit and start fresh & all that jazz ::nods::
but thats about 50% on me & 50% on the admissions board
All I really want for Christmas this year is to have a great 2012 & to be happy & to make some progress & some positive change and that is about 99.9% on me

I'll direct these wants to the universe as it is the only force capable of handling such a request...

& i'm going to start working on my resolutions for 2012. It may seem like a waste of time because we all rarely follow through on our new years resolutions but my first resolution for 2012 is to do just that! so...there!

oh
&
happy holidays!

Average [av-er-ij, av-rij]

Dictionary.com -[my main source for most definitions - defines [the adjective] average as "typical, common, ordinary..." or you know "nothing special."

I just completed an untimed practice GRE test on princetonreview.com & while I was expecting a much, much, much worse score than what I received, I was pretty disappointed by how average it was: Verbal - 150, Math - 147*
I was expecting a below average score for my math, but such an average score for my verbal? Reading & writing & vocab & all that jazz is kinda sorta my thing, I mean come on!

So now I have 3 days to to get my scores from average to above average. Is that even something that is possible for me?

I know for a fact that I have been average my entire academic career & while I guess there isn't necessarily anything wrong with being average, there definitely is something wrong with my contentment with being average. I never wanted to fail at anything - never liked it, never will - but I don't ever really remember failing a test or a paper and feeling distraught about it ya know? Of course there were the subjects and classes that were somewhat effortless to me, but then there were the courses I needed to put the extra work into & I can't recall ever really doing that - If I was failing a class then I pretty much aimed to get a D, If I had a D in a class then I was pretty darn content with that.

I took Italian for 6 years & if I were to be picked up from this bed & dropped in the center of Rome you'd probably never hear from me again because I'd probably get lost in a fountain somewhere because my Italian is terrible & that is completely my fault. I never put the work in. I should speak/write fluent Italian but I don't because I was sooo content with just passing. I was just so content with knowing what I needed to know when I needed to know it and then just casting it aside.

Is it just in my nature to be this way? Why not strive to be extraordinary? Why not put all the effort in ya know?

This contentment as undoubtedly carried over to my job hunting. I don't think I'm going above and beyond. Am I writing the best cover letter ever written? - not at all. Am I still applying and sending resumes every single day? no and thats because right now as long as I'm working I'm not really feeling the pressure.
But shouldn't I always be feeling the pressure?
Isn't that the only way to get everything you want in life??? To push yourself? To put all of your energy into the things you want?

I talk a lot about changing how I think, how I feel, how I go about my day to day, how I go about getting the things I desire most and I've been crawling and taking a few baby steps but I've been doing that for awhile. I should be sprinting by now right? or at the very least speed walking ::nods::

so I'll start with stepping my GRE game up. I have the next couple of days to get through as many practice questions and tests as possible. Trying to get this done despite my hectic work schedule is gonna be tough but...

Yea
So i'll be a lil too busy to blog until afterrrrrr test time so
wish me luck!


*The GRE is graded on a 130-170 scale & 0-6 for the essays