"Dear Mom,..."

I apologize in advance for the ramble-y, in-cohesive-ness of this post (& this sentence), but most times there is no perfect way to say all the things you really need to say...especially when you're an emotional wreck.
-bows-

It was April 2010 & I woke up one day feeling the lowest i'd felt in years. It was a Sunday.

Its still pretty hard to explain, but I was such a mess that I knew I had to speak to someone...& soon.
That Monday I was sitting across from a counselor who was patiently waiting for me to tell her why exactly it was so urgent that i see her.
I was pretty close to graduation & felt like i was being buried alive in final papers & senior theses & post graduation plans (or lack there of) so I figured that was a good place to start.
& it always feels better to just be able to talk & talk & talk to someone who is basically just going to sit & listen so of course i felt a little better but there was still a heaviness & my counselor could feel it too and so she forced me to keep talking and eventually there were tears which mean we'd finally gotten to the source of whats been troubling for the last couple of days [& years].
My mother.
I spilled my guts and she listened & nodded & understood as much as she could through the sobbing. I told her about how I wanted to be happy about finishing college & graduation & my future, but I couldn't because the one person I wanted to be there would & could never be.
I'd felt that way for my high school graduation (which was a little less than a month after she passed away), I felt that way then, & i'll feel that way when I finish up grad school in 2 years.
Counselor let me know that it was a pretty normal feeling to have, but also concluded that i just haven't fully mourned my mother & i couldn't feel better about anything until i finished that process.
6 years later & i still haven't.
2006 is a blur of shock, grief, planning, moving, graduations, freshman year...there was no time for me to deal with anything & at the time I definitely didn't want to. Of course that shock & grief would come back when I realized that one of my graduation tickets wasn't for her. Of course that shock & grief would continue to come back every mothers day. I needed to get it all out of my system. It just didn't seem possible at all.
Counselor suggested I write my mother a letter. She said I needed to say everything I wanted to say to her now.
I nodded.
& I actually made an attempt, but I only got as far as "Dear Mom,"
Thats still as far as I can get.
I've tried again since then & its just impossible.
Its not that I have nothing to say, I have too much to say. I now have 6 years worth of things to say.
I can't fit the last 6 years of my life into one letter or 2 letters or 3 letters.

I was at my mother's funeral & her godson walked in. We hadn't seen him in years, but i recognized him immediately & the first thing I said was, "i've got to tell mom that i saw Rodrick." It wasn't until maybe 5 minutes later that I have that "oh...wait..." moment that I continue to have way too often. That pretty much sums up how well i've accepted this loss...not very well at all.

Last Sunday I went to her grave for the 1st time in 5 years. Once they put the headstone it was just something I had to avoid. Trust me, you never want to see the name of someone you loved etched into stone about a start & end date. Its just too real.
but i'm moving soon. starting another chapter of my life that she won't be around for & who knows when i'll be back & i had already felt like such a terrible daughter for avoiding it for so long that i felt more than obligated to go.
As I was walking over to her I was certain I wasn't going to make it, but surprisingly enough I felt a calm I haven't felt in a very long time.

I think just being there was better than any letter I could have written.
It was definitely a step I needed to take & hopefully this means I'm well on my way to getting to a point where my mother isn't a source of anxiety. where I can remember her voice, her smile, her scent, her everything without wanting to forget it immediately...

maybe next year?

rip mommy
9/13/49-05/19/06

"Its Just Not Right. Beastie Boys Don't Die...": RIP MCA & What the Beastie Boys Mean to Me

A customer said that to me tonight at work. I had just pointed out that we were both wearing the kate spade ny "NO SLEEP TILL BROOKLYN" bangle made & purchased by us both long before Adam "MCA" Yauch's untimely passing on friday. We were both experiencing the same level of disbelief & as she walked away she said "its just not right. beastie boys don't die."
It is exactly what I have been thinking for the past 3 days.
Earlier today another beastie fan noticed my bangle. his girlfriend was swiping her debit card for the bag she purchased & he pointed at my wrist & said, "is that your MCA commemorative bracelet?"
i nodded & explained that i had purchased the bangle originally out of my love for all things beastie, but inevitably felt more of a connection to it now more than ever. He went on to explain how MCA's death was much harder to deal with than other "celebrity" passings. he told me how yes, he was a big MJ fan & yes everyone can't deny their love for at least one whitney houston track but something about this felt different. whitney & michael had a very critical road to play in their deaths, but MCA lived his life in such a way that didn't exactly foretell a death at 47. He mumbled something about how unfair MCA's death seems - that he could lead a life so pure in comparison to others & still this cancer could come & take him too soon.

Saturday afternoon i was helping a woman from australia & her friend from paris with some shoes. i'm pretty sure they were both native to england, but time has placed them in two different countries. the trip they took to new york city brought them back together much in the way the beastie boys had brought them together in the past.
She came over to me with the "NO SLEEP TILL BROOKLYN BANGLE" & asked me if I knew who the beastie boys were. instead of responding with "DUH LADY!" I nodded & told her of 15 year old rudine's seemingly unhealthy relationship with the boys. i told her that the day before my best friend had called me crying with the terrible news & that their music & the beastie boys themselves helped us get through the last couple years of school. she & her friend had to be about 20 years older than me & my best friend but she understood completely. She asked me if i knew of any tributes or parties or anything going on in brooklyn that night & i told her i didn't but i'd definitely be looking for something. she asked for my number so she could text me to see if i found anything & i didn't even hesitate to give this stranger my information - it just felt okay. she stood there twirling the bangle in her hand, reading the line over & over & suddenly starting rapping the first verse to sabotage the way ad rock would, almost screaming. she bought 2 bangles - 1 for herself & 1 for her friend.

The Beastie Boys were formed in 1981 & the lineup as we know it now -MCA, Mike D, & AD ROCK- started performing together in 1982. I obviously didn't exist yet - not even in thought. It wasn't until the release of "To the Five Boroughs" in 2004 that i even gave the beastie boys music much thought. It was the summer before my junior year of high school & i remember being on the phone with my best friend & our other best friend at the time, waiting for the check it out video to come on the fuse network. If it was a really good day there would be one of those 30min runs of just beastie videos.
I don't think I could really put into words just exactly what attracted us to the boys & their music, but it was definitely more than just a need to fill the void that NSYNC left.
I went out & bought "To The Five Boroughs" & within days I knew every word. We each had our "beastie". Mine was Mike D, Sasha's was MCA & our other friends was AD ROCK. We went out & bought every cd: paul's boutique, check your head, license to ill... we were able to quote songs at the snap of a finger. It was kinda strange really, 3 catholic school girls from the bronx, listening to license to ill for the first time more than 20 years after its release & loving every minute of it.
Just the other day I was sitting on the bus listening to my ipod on shuffle when "Shazam" came on, immediately i took out my phone & started tweeting lyrics to sasha who responded as she usually does when it came to all things beastie boys - with the enthusiasm she reserved only for the things she really loved. A couple days later MCA was dead & suddenly our memories from 2004 are bitter sweet.
It kind of feels like we've lost a friend & Adam "MCA" Yauch did not know a thing about us. We never got to meet him, never even got to go to a show ,but just having their music on our ipods and their lyrics ingrained in our brains is enough.

Theres something about this that makes us have to face things that we're just not ready to deal with.
"Beastie Boys don't die..."
Oh, but they do & one did & the other two will & it sucks.
Are we already at that age where we're losing those tangible pieces of our childhood?
Imagine how Mike D & AD Rock are feeling. MCA wasn't just a band mate. He was their best friend & brother of 30+ years.

Wikipedia has MCA listed as a "former member" of the beastie boys. Never. MCA IS a beastie boy. period.

Rest In Peace MCA

*i highly suggest googling Adam Yauch & reading more about his life & his life's work. He was more than just an amazing rapper. Its almost unbelievable...except that he was awesome so i can definitely believe it.

& this is what i have learned from the may 2012 issue of GQ...

imagine my excitement when i walked into duane reade & saw a brand new gentleman's quarterly staring at me! & we all know how i feel about d. rose...right? i skimmed through it on my lunch break, but that definitely was not enough time to take in all the knowledge (& ridiculously handsome men) gq was throwing at me so i took advantage of this rainy afternoon to give the magazine a thorough read...& this is what i learned:

1. derrick rose cleans up very nicely. if i was allowed to tape things to my wall (i live with my neurotic aunt & i'm not even allowed to touch the walls really) i would have already ripped the cover off this bad boy & taped it right next to my pillow.

2. wouldn't you think a men's magazine would be filled with tons of "half-naked chicks"??? i'm pretty sure there are more shirtless & well dressed men in this magazine than fully dressed females. why? guys use this magazine as a guide to style, life, & in the case of this issue, marriage! theres plenty of time to flip through maxim magazine so when guys have an issue of gq in hand you better believe they're reading the articles. how else will they know how to turn that business suit into a "post-business" suit?

3. when i move to boston i will spend most of the time i am not in class or working lurking around the jack wills newbury street store. theres a small write up in the mag for jack wills this very preppy [in a rugged kind of way] men's wear brand that comes to us here in the states from britain. gq calls the company "the new king of collegiate prep" & they use actual boston store employees in the shoot & ummmm yea. they will soon know me...as "the creepy girl who comes in to stare at us & never buys anything"

4. how to fillet my catch: if i ever went fishing (the odds of that happening = very unlikely) i now know how to properly fillet the tiny fish i would catch. my arms are just not strong enough to fight anything massive out of raging waters.

5. "The 11 things in the culture that matter this month: its called the punch list. they describe the list as "the good, the bad, the obscure, & the unavoidable". The list includes some advice on getting girls who are way out of your league both on & off the screen by the hilarious chris pratt (andy from parks & rec anyone???? love him!), a chick flick survival guide, and a love/hate piece on everybodys favorite prankster sacha baron cohen. what did this list teach me? that most guys: [whether or not they have looks like adam levine... & moves like jagger] still need a confidence boost every now & then, fear the chick flick, read a lot more memoirs than you might think - it isn't always just a graphic novel or a zombie survival guide, & (surprisingly enough)don't always think sacha baron cohen is funny...hmmmmm

6. the definition of "himbo": in "the rise of the himbo" the gq intelligence section defines a himbo as "a bimbo with balls"...eloquent right? profround even...who made the gq himbo list?: matthew mcconaughey, the situation, channing tatum, kenny 'motherfuckin' powers, john hamm in bridesmaids, john hamm in 30 rock, john hamm on snl, & pitbull...just to name a few.

7. brooklyn decker is the only exception to the "no girls allowed" rule. yes gq isn't playboy, but men are men & they need at least one hot woman to drool over for awhile. enter: brooklyn decker. i guess they need some kind of reward for making it through all the 5 page articles in the surprisingly long intelligence section. i also learned that brooklyn decker was put on this earth to make girls like me never want to put on a swimsuit everrrrr again ::nods::

8. "SMALL IS HUGE": ladies, the collar on your mans dress shirts is about to get much smaller than yours. it'll be very awkward at first, but i've been looking over these pictures for awhile now & trust me it gets better with time. also, tassel'ed loafers are the way to go ::nods::

9. was i the only one that thought tiger woods could do no wrong in the eyes of most, if not all, sports loving guys? how wrong i was! "tiger woods - the real tiger - is still the same cursing, pouting, hermetically sealed prima donna he's always been, before the car wreck, before the affairs, before the fall. and if all that didn't change him, then nothing will. OUCH. tell me how you really feel...

10. no matter how great you think your marriage is going & how in love you both are, your husband will still always want to bang the cleaning lady...& according to gq that is totes "okay"...definitely something that can only be said in this magazine. had that sentence made its way into cosmo, we'd be talking women down off ledges all around the world right now.

& thats the short list. i would never have enough time to go through everythingggg i learned about gentlemen & about myself!
but
i am soooo rife with knowledge! full of insight into the male species! how they dress, what they're reading, who they're listening to, & even what they're not eating anymore (strawberry frosted donuts with rainbow sprinkles).

the one thing i didn't learn? where conde naste finds the hot totties that live on the pages of this magazine & now in my heart.

until next month!

w14th & 6th ave*

if you ever find yourself strolling the streets of [what they should just rename "nyu campus" but what is still known as) the east village on a friday night/early saturday morning after two $5 frozen margaritas (that you apparently have a low tolerance for now that it has been 2 years since you're senior year of college when 2 margaritas was = to 2 cups of juice) these are the songs you should or shouldn't be listening to - i still haven't decided:

reo speedwagon - keep on loving you [at maximum volume or it doesn't count]
hall & oates - sara smile
the black keys - sinister kid
chaka khan - through the fire
the spill canvas - connect the dots
nirvana - smells like teen spirit
mad cobra - press trigger
chromeo - the right type
story of the year - sidewalks
robin thicke - lost without you**
JoJo - marvin's room
Nsync - drive myself crazy***
tracy chapman - give me one reason to stay here
j cole - you got it
paramore - conspiracy
drake - shot for me

if at this point the guy sitting across from you on the E train starts to look like the monopoly man, don't stare.

songs you should or shouldn't listen to while sitting across from the monopoly man:

ellie goulding - lights (bassnectar remix)
bob marley _ dem belly full (live)
john mayer - in your atmosphere (live)
amy winehouse - no greater love
madonna - take a bow

if you've just gotten home & realized that you've been awake since 6am & your bed hasn't looked so inviting since the last night you stayed out later than you should have, do not listen to these songs...or maybe do:

kings of leon - closer
michael jackson - human nature
paolo nutini - loving you
erykah badu - turn me away (get munny)
the carpenters - we've only just begun
owl city - fireflies

::turns on 48 hours on ID, falls asleep::

*or songs i didn't skip as my ipod shuffled
** this song makes it on to a lot of my playlists
***chris kirkpatrick's falsetto? swoons...

i think it may be time for something DRASTIC!

2012 has definitely been & will continue to be my year of change. i am loving my new job & come august i will be moving to boston & preparing to start graduate school. exciting right? very!...but despite all the excitement & positive change, i can't help but still feel a little bored...with my appearance. so i've been thinking about maybe doing something drastic. something very short? so far no one thinks thats a good idea BUT remember me back in 2006? when i let a friend i knew from bronx underground cut, bleach, & rinse my hair pink? i don't even think i told my mother...or maybe i did? but she didn't know what i was going to come home looking like & neither did i. my friend, ty, used some hair bleach thing to lighten the sides and the back of my hair and rinsed it pink. she did it in spots that you could only see when i styled my hair a certain way because i went to catholic school & punky pink hair certainly would NOT have been okay with the head nun in charge. remember that? you don't? well heres a really bad pic of how i looked back then. this is me circa2006. i was 17 years old

i remember how relieved i was when my mom saw me when she got home that afternoon. she loved it. thought i looked like a pixie. i kinda loved it too...i'm just not sure i knew what to really do with it back then. it could have been so much better! oh what i wouldn't give for pink hair right now! so 17 year old me kinda pulled of a short look. what says you all of 23 year old me? and since im beyond purple, blue, or green hair...how bought a light brown? lighter than the color i have now? as brown as you can get before its actually blonde...hmmmmm. just something i'm throwing out there. i do have quite the attachment to shoulder length hair but tons of women manage to pull it off. i'm a little worried about having my eyebrows so exposed but i mean i'll just have to do better at keeping up on my eyebrow threadings. if i did go through with this i'd go for a cut like karla's.

i think her hairstyle is perfect - not too short, not too long.

we definitely have different hair textures & as we are of different races my hair would probably react to that cut much differently than hers but maybe thats a risk i'm willing to take? orrrr maybe not. i'm much too self conscious. if this doesn't go as planned - assuming i do it at all - its possible i will never be seen in public again. i'm gonna ponder this for another couple weeks...thoughts?

"Like honey & trombones...": The night Anis Mojgani misspelled my name*

Why has it been almost two years since i've been to the Bowery Poetry Club? I never make time for the things I love anymore.
About 2 weeks ago I was browsing Anis Mojgani's website, The Piano Farm, when I saw that he was going to be here in NYC. I've missed him every single time hes been here since I heard his work for the first time and became obsessed (as I am known to easily get).
rushakesthedust? It was my attempt at channeling my inner Mojgani. Have you ever seen him perform "Shake the dust"? You don't even have to see it, close your eyes and just listen.


Cliche to say that this poem changed my life? Yes...but I am not ashamed.
I requested the day off from work because there was no way I was going to miss him again.

I arrived at the Bowery Poetry Club an hour early. Anis wasn't scheduled to go on until 7:30 but there was supposed to be a "wordshop" at 6:30 and who would want to miss the 7:00pm open mic?
I'm pretty sure the last time I was there I promised myself that I'd read on that stage one day. That i'd write something worthy enough for the lower east side to hear. I'm obviously not at that point in my life but maybe one day?

There was a woman beside me. She walked in with her neo-hippie, poetry writing daughter and went immediately to the bar to get a glass of wine. She was wearing a pair of kate spade readers. I swear this job follows me everywhere.

Anis walked in wearing his signature red beanie and a backpack. I'm sure he walked to "The Bowery..." and i'm sure almost everyone he passed on his way had no idea who he is, what he doesm and how he changes lives. They had no idea that there was a venue full of people waiting to hear him speak.
I don't think anyone told him he was supposed to do a wordshop because he walked in 10 minutes before the open mic & he doesn't seem to be the late type.

As I was scribbling bits of this post down in my notebook the girl sitting next to me asked if i was reading tonight - imagine??? me??? reading my poetry in front of a sold out crowd? like i said before, im just not at that point in my life yet.

It was time for the open mic & the first name they called was that of the neo-hippie. Shes 15 & she read a poem about her dead father. 15 & yet she was brave enough to do something i'm just not ready to do. Her wine sipping mother was so proud.
&
then another guy whose name escapes me got up & performed a piece about a lot of things but mostly life.
I grabbed my notebook to scribble down as much as I could - "I used to walk around with funerals in my head."
I'll have to find my way back to this guy.

A few more brave souls shared poems - almost all of them reading from an iphone, blackberry, ipad, or laptop...

& then...Anis.


He opened with probably the most profound thing anyone has ever said about a lemon tree. It was short & sweet.
& then...
"This is for the fat girls..."
the room erupted in cheers & snaps. shake the dust. It is so much more amazing in person.
I should have recorded it! but I needed to just sit there & experience it. Hopefully i'll be able to catch another one of his readings & experience it all over again.
He did about 5 poems? which just wasn't enough. I could listen to him for hourssss but I am sure he has no desire to read every poem in his hugeeee library of poems in one night.
I'd have to settle for just a few.

After his feature he was in the cafe selling & signing books. I never have cash so I had to run across the street to the bank to get cash & hope that he'd still be there when I got back. He was - he was staying for the slam. I waited in line & I'll skip over the awkwardness that I hesitate to call a conversation, but he now knows that i'm a huge fan & i bought over the anvil we stretch and he signed it and I went back to my seat.

Remember the girl who asked me if I was I was reading tonight? Turns out she was! A few poets into the slam she got up & I assumed she was just going to the bathroom. She was actually next up! Her first poem was great. I wish I had it to post for you all but I don't. Her second poem was even better and got her into the 3rd & final round. She was up against 2 other women - two obviously well seasoned poets. You could tell she thought she wouldn't stand a chance...but SHE WON! the look on her face was priceless. She came back to her seat & I was beaming with pride.

I can't help but think that maybe she has some kind of sixth sense & that when she asked if I was reading, she had actually sensed the poetry in me.

Overall I had a pretty great night. I haven't felt this creative in a long time. Its poetry month...did ya know? Last april I attempted 30/30 & failed.
Do you know what 30/30 is? 30 poems in the 30 days of the month of April. I assume everyone just writes 1 poem a day, but if you're me you might wait until about 15 days in & try to come up with 15 poems in 30 minutes.
Perhaps I'll try again?


*"Redine, stay filled with wonder...-anis"

LISTS

don't you love them? they're super necessary sometimes. i often feel too overwhelmed without them. i make lists of the bills i need to pay for the month (although they never change), things i need to buy: toiletries, etc, things i want to buy but shouldn't: a new pair of toms, & today, things i need to do on my day off.

things i need to do on my day off:

1. get out of bed: i haven't done that yet. still working on it...
2. order myself a pizza: managed to do that while still in bed so yay!
3. laundry: its never ending. i feel like i do laundry every week. maybe its because i tend to just wear the same clothes over & over...but they're my favorite things! what else would i wear??? but today is a must. all my work clothes are in my hamper right now. i am fortunate to have a washer & dryer right in my basement. what would i do if i had to go across the street to wash my clothes in those very public machines???? which brings me to...
4. apartment hunt: i think i'm down to about 4 months til august? i told myself (& others) that i wanted to move to boston in august so i would have time to get familiar & get comfortable with this new place before i am thrust into the black hole that is graduate school, but i just haven't been putting the work in.
the fact that i can't seem to find a compatible roommate is so discouraging. i've ranted about this before but whats with the cats? or the dogs? or whatever other pet people want a potential roommate to be okay with?
all i want is a decent sized room, a nice clean kitchen, a bathroom with a huge mirror, and access to a washer & dryer. i'm all set on the animal kingdom.
i wish renting the perfect 1 bedroom apt/studio was a realistic option for me.
maybe it can be?
5. clean my yoga mat: as at ease as am i supposed to be during childs pose, its kinda hard to get as relaxed as i need to when the giant in front of me is dripping toe sweat on to my mat. its why i probably clean my mat more than anyone should. best way? (depending on what your mat is made of) giving it a shallow bath in a combination of warm water & vinegar.
6. find out more about this adam levine/anne v break up. any day that i wake up & adam is single again is a good day!
7. pull my outfits for the week. if i do it now. i won't have to think about it when i get home from work at night orrr when i wake up for work in the morning
8. make use of my netflix account: other than a couple of episodes of saved by the bell, i havent really gotten my monies worth. i've got to get through my instant queue. i don't pay $7.99 a month for nothing!
9. make a decision about my stack of magazines
&
10. finish this blog post*

off i go!

*i started working on this post at about 12noon & finished up around 3:30pm. in that time i: ordered a pizza & ate half of it, got rid of the pile of clothes that lived on the floor in my room, watched 2 episodes of my so called life, & did some emerson college related things...progress was made.