OkCupid...Stop It.

It has always been a pretty strong belief of mine that signing up for online dating is just the most desperate of desperate acts.
Well 4 days ago that is just what I did ::nods::
The curiosity is definitely what gets you. You know when you don't give something much thought but then it's suddenly showing up everywhere? like some kind of sign? I had been bombarded by match.com & e-harmony "testimonials" & lately facebook has been heavily suggesting that I check out christianmingles.com so when more than one person brought up the very FREE OkCupid in our conversation in the same week I figured...why not?
I now have more than enough reasons why NOT to join OkCupid & various other sketchy "dating" websites.

1. Why am I doing this?
You'll never feel the same again. At least I wont. As I was filling out all the basic information & trying to come up with a "cute" & "original" username I kept thinking "why am i really doing this?" for experiments sake? yes. but could it also be because i'm kinda tired of all those "why don't you have a boyfriend or something?" questions ? I mean like can I live? is there some kind of rule that says I have to have a boyfriend right now? can I be single? no? fine! so I filled in all kinds of "personal information" favorite tv shows, favorite music, favorite book. It was kinda like facebook except most do not join facebook with the sole purpose of finding a date. I love social networking & most things internet but I think it was something about how purposeful joining a dating site is that made me very uneasy.

2. Ummm why does this guy have the same zip code as me?!
For someone who is completely open to finding a significant other online, seeing that this potential match lives in your neighborhood might be a good thing, to me that is a bigggggg NO NO NO. The combination of my pictures & neighborhood is something that could equal me becoming someones lamp shade. I mean yes, these same pictures are up on facebook, but I decide who can & can not see my facebook. The only way for "Cupid" to do its best work is if your profile is available to umm everyone - not okay.

3. Really "Cupid"? is this the best you could do?
The messages started arriving about 20 minutes after the completion of my online profile. The one thing that an internet based cupid can't do is determine who you'd be physically attracted to. Sure you can choose a preferred height & body type but when it comes to everything else that lil cherub has absolutely noooo idea what is going on in the part of my brain that processes physical attraction.
How do I say this without sounding completely shallow? hmmm...lets just say that most of the guys I received messages from were just not at allllll like ehhhh you know. I'm not shallow I swear but I mean lets be real. How many of your relationships started because you saw someone & was foremost physically attracted to them?
I guess thats why some people are meant for online dating & something others *ahem*...are not. Some people are completely open to just dismissing "looks" all together. Maybe those are the people who are most successful, they are who we see in those match.com testimonials ::nods::

4. SEX SEX SEX
So they have you fill out this crazy questionaire to help increase your chance at being matched. It is just the most absurd compilation of questions i've ever answered. It started out normal enough: how do you feel about smoking, drinking, drugs, etc...relationship expectations, romantic history and whatnot but then suddenly you're attacked by random math questions..ummm what?...and thenn comes the SEX. All kinds of invasive questions about your past, current, & future sex life. I don't even want to go into the details but I don't think they ask these kinds of when you go to the OB/GYN ::nods::
I mean I guess we're all adults here and we can answer those kinds of questions but if i'm just on your site looking for a "date" exactly what purpose do they serve? & would I really want to meet a guy who has selected me based on what I am "willing to do" in a hypothetical sexual situation It went from online dating to online brothel verrrry quickly.

And it was def my cue to go!

After just 4 days I deleted my OkCupid profile. I'd had enough of the annoying e-mails alerting me of new messages from guys I'd never agree to meet...ever. I just didn't feel hopeful about it at all. I mean i've heard enough stories about online dating that has ended in real life marriage, but eh i'm just too skeptical? or just not open enough to trying something so radical? i'm not sure. I don't think I put all the positive energy I could have but I think thats because I know for sure that its just not for me.
At least I can't say I didn't try!

Next up!

Speed dating? Whos coming with me??? anyone????

On Gratitude

Its kinda difficult for me to feel thankful for anything right now. I'm feeling a little discouraged today, a little depressed & its the kind of feeling that just makes me want to curl up into a ball & sleep until its time for my real life to begin.
On the surface what do I have to be thankful for? I've been on this endless dream job hunt for almost 2 years now, in the mean time I'm stuck in the retail world - which gets old fast, I have credit cards that I can no longer afford to use, but can't afford NOT to use, & I am running out of space in the half a room that I can barely call my own.
Is this something you can relate to? the frustration? the perpetual overwhelming-ness of it all?
Are these things one can be grateful for? When you're in the state of mind that I tend to always be in my problems are always the end all, be all - you know when you can't everrr see the positive in a situation? yea...that.

Well the secret teaches that in order for the positive things we so desperately desire to manifest we need to be grateful for what we do have & we need to express that gratitude on a daily basis.
Thanksgiving is that national day of giving thanks, but what about every other day. Yes we are busy people but the secret advises that when we first open our eyes in the morning and when our feet hit the ground as we get up to start our day we should be listing all we are thankful for and really meaning it.
As an on again, off again practitioner of the secret I know these things are easier said than done. I am the poster child for being completely dedicated to something for about an hour or so & then seeing something shiny and completely losing focus - save a few things i.e. my 8 years of vegetarianism.
But I think -as i'm sure I have said before because I can be annoyingly repetitive at times - when you are at your lowest, when you are feeling the most desperate is when you tend to channel that strength and dedication that is necessary to go about creating positive change.

So! What am I thankful for? hmmmmm

Well lets start with being incredibly grateful to have a bed to sleep in at night & rent free at that! I am a daily patron of the E train and the amount of homeless people that have adopted those subway cars as their home is remarkable. I am grateful to not be in that situation & while I do long to be on my own & paying my own rent etc...I am absolutely in NO position to be doing that so to have a place to live rent free? thank you, thank you, thank you!

While it is not at all what I ever thought I'd be doing when I used to sit at the desk in my dorm trying to muster the motivation to keep writing & writing & wri
ting, I am grateful to have a job. Without it I'd be like I don't even know where - some place that isn't even fathomable - just in the deepest of ditches financially and emotionally. I'm not making as much as I would love or need but when it comes to money something is better definitely than nothing.

One of the most frustrating things about living at home is the lack of privacy. I don't think anyone misses their SNHU dorm room as much as I do. My living situation right now is not ideal especially since I occupy my father's tv room. You don't know annoyance until you're woken up at 7am by the sound of a grown man watching the weekly english premiere league soccer game, screaming about another missed goal.
But somehow despite the sleep i've lost I have to say that I am thankful for my father. He often reminds me that there are a lot of fatherless children in this world & it is definitely something I take for granted. I am thankful every time he remembers to grab my favorite pasta at the supermarket, I am thankful every time he makes sure I'm up for work in the morning, I am thankful whenever he stir-fries tofu & veggies w/ a side of seasoned mashed potatoes...the list goes on & on. While we've always had a really good relationship it pretty much goes without saying that since my mother passed away 5 years ago our relationship has that much better. So thank you, thank you, thank you...

I am thankful forrrrrr my brothers & sisters and for my friends who are like brothers and sisters. I am eternally grateful for the support they continue to give me. I could go on forever & ever about the amazing people in my life ::nods:: thank you, thank you, thank you...

I am thankful for all 3 of my recommendation providers! I think that every single one of them can help me convince my grad program that I deserve to be there. They know me best, better than I know myself sometimes & If I fail things on my end I know that they have my back. Its awesome
thank you, thank you, thank you...

So far it seems that I have a lot to be thankful for right? I'm even surprising myself...what else? what else?

I'm thankful for life - I won't elaborate because it makes me really, really sad - but when you lose people: family, friends, classmates, peers, etc... it puts a lot of things in perspective. When you're around my age & are fortunate enough to be surrounded by someone like you're 93 year old grandmother its easy to take this life for granted, its easy to think you'll see 93 & then you lose someone only a few years older than you are and in such a tragic, unexpected way & it sends you like crashing back to reality. so yea...

This really could go on for awhile longer...i'll do the rest in my head & continue to do it every morning when I open my eyes... ::nods::

Oh! I'm thankful for everyone that takes a few minutes every now & then to even glance at this "blog."
I'm really enjoying writing it & if I didn't get such positive feedback I would have 86'd this agesss ago.
I'm looking forward to new & interesting things to discuss! stay tunedddddd

fightoffyourdemons*

"'The Devil & God Are Raging Inside Me' was released 5 years ago today" -@brandnewrockfan

Impossible.
I remember listening to this album on repeat for hours on end the day it came out, but has it been 5 years?
No way.
5 years ago I was an awkward college freshman - I remember that well - but has it really been that long?
Anyone who knows me knows the role that Brand New has played in my life since I was 16years old...& lets not even talk about how long its been since I was 16 -sigh-
So! when I think of 'Your Favorite Weapon' and 'Deja Entendu' I think of being a sophomore in high school and hearing "The Quiet Things..." for the first time. When I think of 'The Devil & God' I think of the whirlwind of a year that was 2006 & how amazing it is to me that I made it out alive.
& to think its been 5 years? & I'm still surviving?
It blows my mind.

I think its pretty safe to say that any human being has their issues - we all have our demons whether we are open about them or not.
Some of us are weak and some of us are strong. Some of us choose to fight while some of us let our demons take hold.
At the time Brand New's tagline (im not sure I want to call it that, but I am blanking out on all other words) became a really big part of my survival - i had it written all over everything that could be written on, it was my desktop background ya know? it was present. very present. I needed to see it and believe it and feel it because I was weak and susceptible to giving up but I made a conscious decision to fight and I've been fighting ever since.

Of course every day is different - some are better than others etc... but thats why its nice to have something so simple that can guide me, that can remind me.
I kind of had a rough weekend - mentally & emotionally - & learning today that its been 5 years since this album and reflecting on what it meant to me then & continues to mean to me now is definitely going to help me get through the rest of my week.

If you're fortunate enough to not be in the retail business its a very very short work week - use your time off before or after thattt huge dinner you'll be eating to reflect ::nods::
what are you demons? fight or flight? what is something you can use as an aid? ya know? to get you through those tougher days...things like that!

I would also suggest listening to degausser**

& what do you know? on Sunday Brand New is playing Huntington, LI & guess who has tickets? ; )

Good luck!

*fight off your demons
** track 4 aka one of my favorite songs of all time!

"This Is Only Temporary." (Repeat As Necessary)

Its Monday. Enough said.

In my opinion Mondays can only go 2 ways:
1. If there is a something- be it a god, universe, spirit animal, ::insert religious/spiritual belief here::- it will go by as quickly & as painlessly as possible. Don't expect too much out of a Monday. I think the most we can realistically ask for is that Monday rapidly becomes Tuesday.

2. It is going to suck [for lack of a better term]. Come on...its Monday. None of us wanted to wake up before noon right? Do you expect me to believe that you actually wanted to roll out of bed & into the shower at 6am? So don't be surprised when someone says the wrong thing to you before you've had your morning coffee and it completely ruins the rest of your day. Did you stub your toe? rip your stockings? Spill a hot beverage all over your suit/uniform etc...? Well its Monday so you knew this would happen ::nods::

When I caught myself mouthing my "stay calm & carry on" -esq mantra - "this is only temporary" - before 9am I knew I was going to be stuck in that option 2 ditch for the remainder of the day. All it took was for someone to use the wrong (condescending) tone with me to send me into that internal, completely mental panic. it usually starts with a "why is this my life?" followed by a sigh - not too deep of a sigh because I even lack the motivation for something that effortless. Whenever I feel myself sinking deeper & deeper into a monday i just repeat "this is only temporary" until I believe it which usually doesn't take too long because unless life is one big lie it HAS to be temporary.
I didn't go to school for 17 years for this to not be temporary did I?
I'm not memorizing over 200 vocabulary words in a little over a month to take "orders" from college dropouts (& i mean this in the least offensive way possible) for the rest of my life am I?
theres just no way
so
again
"this is only temporary, this is only temporary, this is only temporary, this is only temporary" repeat, repeat, repeat, repeat...

And when things do become "permanent" I hope that this wanting to get through my days and my weeks and my months as quickly as possible passes.
I hope this for all of us.
Most Mondays come with a flurry of "is it friday yet?"-esq comments and statuses.
We all share that desire to just go immediately from Sunday night to Thursday night/Friday morning
because we soooo dread what we have to do throughout the week.
But if we keep living this way. If we keep living going about our weeks without the positive emotions and without enjoyment because we do not love what we do we will soon come to the point where we have no more days, weeks or months to flail through & then what?
because we damn sure can't go back.

My resolution
and my recommendation for us all is to do whatever we can to get to a place where we can enjoy every single day - If its Monday we absolutely can not wait for Tuesday! and Wednesday! and Thursday! Skipping a day by mindlessly & robotic-ally "living" through it will no longer feel like a survival tactic it will feel like a waste! - like you're missing out on so much! and if you absolutely loveeee what you do you won't want to miss a thing! right?!

can we do that???? can we try at least????
maybe not today because its Monday
but!
tomorrow! TUESDAY! yes?!

"Did you see that customer I just had? I wanted to cry..."

, he said.

"No," I responded in my naivete (let us pretend all the accent marks were where they should be). "What happened? Was she mean?"

I was expecting a quick story about a "guest" with a nasty attitude - given our location only a half block away from burberry & balenciaga that wouldn't surprise me, but what my new co-worker said next totally did...

back to the story!

me: "what happened? was she mean?"
male coworker: "She had a Hermes bag. oh my god. & when I asked her how she was going to pay she took out a black card. oh my god. I almost cried. It was so inspiring."
me: ...

uhhhh

male coworker: wow
me:...wow.
but for completelyyyyyyyy different reasons.

Hmmm how do I go about the rest of this post without sounding like a snob?

Let me start by saying that this is the same coworker who on our first day said that it was one of his dreams to work on 5th avenue & how he had to call his friend right away to tell her he finally did it.

And so I propose this question:
What are your dreams?

I mean If one is going to have any Madison Avenue or 5th Avenue (or even Lower Broadway) dreams wouldn't it be to shop there? [& by shop there I mean with a "just throw it in the bag" state of mind and pocket]
Does one really aspire to work on 5th avenue?
and maybe its the 4 year age difference & the fact that I've already got a degree, but should a woman coming with her Hermes bag to swipe her black card for a couple cashmere sweaters inspire me to go back to school so that I can then buy a Hermes bag, get a black card, and spend money on a couple cashmere sweaters?
Realistically I'd be in too much student loan debt to even afford a coach bag, ya know?
& reallyy? you want to cry because this woman is so "inspiring"? maybe we have two different definitions of inspiration. We have no idea what this woman has done in her life to have a designer bag and an american express card. She could have just lucked out and showed up at the right harvard business school party at the right time. Does that mean you aspire to marry rich? I mean granted this woman could be independently wealthy. She could be one of the best business women to ever live, but until we know for sure is her "success" anything to cry over?

I'm no fortune teller, but lets say I don't foresee any birkin bags in my future...does that mean I wasn't inspired enough?

I kind of want to sit that kid down and just explain life to him. I need to tell him that hes got it all wrong.
or maybe i'm the one who has it all wrong? I really don't know, but I really don't think so.

Let us all re-evaluate what inspires and motivates us.

Also!
Let us take the youth (anyone born after 1989...with some exceptions) and re-educate them.

Dear Youth of New York City (I've got to start small),
I can save you!
...Just read this blog.
There is hope for you yet!

1st we will address your misguided dreams, and then maybe we'll have some time left to discuss why "I want to be able to run around & play with my kids" is terrible reasoning for why you actually plan to have kids before you're old enough to legally drink or even buy a lotto ticket (in some states).

"Are you waiting for someone?"

I was tempted to say "yes!" - who goes to concerts alone ya know?

Well as of thursday, I do ::nods::

I tried out the going to the movies alone thing & found that to be pretty harmless. I actually quite enjoyed it & have done it maybe 2 or 3 times - before noon because its wayyy cheaper ::nods::
I've even tackled eating in restaurants alone. I didn't think I could do it, but I did! & now dining alone is something I kinda sorta enjoy...but not on date nights!

Despite the baby steps I've taken away from reliance on a 2nd or 3rd party going to a concert alone was never ever on my list of things to do. How lonely ya know? & what would the packs of concert goers think of me?
This weekend I learned to shed all that insecurity!

Back in september when I found out that childish gambino tickets were going on sale in 2 hours I jumped at the chance to get a ticket, but first I did desperate companion hunting. I knew only 2 people in this world who'd be just as eager to score gambino tickets, but both my best friend & twin brother were hoursssss away.
Despite that I bought the ticket. I figured why miss out on the chance to see Donald Glover (for the 2nd time) ya know?

Cut to months later!
Chromeo tickets are on sale! They're playing the same venue as gambino in the sameeee weekend! What are the odds?!
2 of my favorite acts ever in town in the same weekend!
I hesitated to buy a ticket to that show because again I would be companion-less. I knew only 2 people in this world who'd want to see chromeo as much as I did! But again! Hourssss away! - curse you sasha & rudar!
The tickets sold out & I figured that was that...until! Only 2 days before the show they released more tickets! & before I could even register things my fingers were moving & my ticketmaster account was processing the transaction! A chromeo ticket was mine!

Was I ready to brave these two shows on my own?

Thursday:
I felt like I had been thrown into a pack of wolves. Childish Gambino has a pretty diverse fan base, but I felt like everyone there was 13 years old. There was one kid in a spiderman hoodie w/ matching fitted hat & packs of squealing girls that I can assume are from poughkeepsie or somewhere outside the city. There were couples...lotssss & lotsssss of couples! Varying in age. All super excited, all super loud. I sat quietly in line on the ground w/ my headphones in & cell phone in hand - observing everything.
Doors opened promptly at 7 & everyone rushed in. The of age heading to one of the 3 bars, the underage running to the barricade. I settled on a spot on the 2nd floor close to the bar & the bathroom & surprisingly close to the stage. It was my perch for the night.
I figured I'd blend into the crowd pretty well, but being alone at a show actually makes you stand out.
While waiting in line I had one guy asked me if I was waiting for someone. When I said no I didn't get the reaction I was expecting. His understanding was that I was some kind of super fan who just had to be at the show - which was actually true. But can't someone want to just enjoy some live music fan or not?
He welcomed me into his circle of friends talking to me throughout the entire wait, but once we got inside I ditched them...for the sake of my social experiment.

When you go to a concert with another person or maybe 2 or 3. Having to use the bathroom isn't really ever that big of a problem, but when you're trying to save your perfect spot at a sold out show, being alone isn't ideal. Fortunately! There was a nice couple right next to me who was totally willing to hold my tiny spot while I ran to & from the bathroom (& the bar...only 1 light beer! I've seen enough episodes of disappeared to know that drinking too much at a venue in a sketchy part of town isn't the best decision one could ever make).

Finally at 8pm on the dot! DJ SoSuperSam started spinning! She's the cutest most "swagged" out asian I've ever seen & her set was a good start to the night.
9:15 on the dot?! Childish hit the stage! & once he started it was pretty easy to forget that you were alone or that you were there with a ton of other people. It was all about him & the music! For an hour & a half none of the 3,000 people at Terminal 5 even spoke to another person they were too busy staring at the donald in awe & screaming the lyrics to his songs.
It wasn't until 10:38 that we all came back down to earth & started talking to the people we came with
Or in my case found an ATM, bought a tshirt, & promptly found the exit.

Saturday!: Chromeo!
It didn't surprise me that the line wouldn't be as long because chromeo wasn't scheduled to go on stage until 10:30pm but I wanted to secure my perfect spot from thursday which I did! There are benefits to showing up early!

As I set up at my perch P-Thugg was on stage setting up! Breakbot was scheduled for 8pm so that was another benefit (youtube their song baby I'm yours & fall in loveeee)

The most awkward part about going solo or being a "lone wolf" as my brother so lovingly put it is the waiting but like I said before once the music starts it doesn't even matter any more.
Unfortunately, my perfect spot wasn't so perfect. I ended up surrounded by a really obnoxious group. One girl kept bumping into me & touching me & spilling her drink all over the floor - my dirty looks did nothing to deter her obnoxious-ness. Don't get me wrong I'm all about having a good time - but can you please stop caressing my thigh? It was not at all surprising to me -but apparently surprising to all her friends- that 30 minutes into the show ms. obnoxious was puking all over herself & eventually passed out on the ground by my feet. She didn't wake up until about 45 minutes into the chromeo set, so he had about a 2 hour nap.
So obviously with the source of my annoyance passed out in her own vomit, my night got wayyyy better!
Breakbot's set was great! - anyone who opens with some funk, coasts with some classics, and closes with 10 crack commandments is okay in my book!
After breakbot came Mayer Hawthorne who I had neverrrrr heard of but who I am now absolutelyyy in love with!
please youtube his song "just ain't gonna work out" orrrr his version of "gansta luv"
The studio versions do him no justice - you have to see this man & his band live!
I'm always pretty weary about opening acts that I've never heard of but this was a very welcome surprise.
and finally...right on time...Dave1 & P-Thugg...CHROMEO!
Do I have enough time to go into how amazing this show was? I really don't.
but I will say this!
If I could go to a Chromeo concert every night I would & I would pay for it every time & if I had to...I would go alone!
because like I said once the music started, that was it! no one had a word to say to anyone else unless they were shouting the lyrics to bonafied lovin'.
I felt like I was in a daze - & it wasn't entirely because of the second hand smoke from the illegal substance the tweens managed to smuggle into the venue.

So what did I learn this weekend? I am stronger than I thought I was - more secure. The old me never would have gone to a concert alone. I like this new me that is more concerned about not missing out on something great ya know? It was a pretty good feeling. Yes I got a lil lonely between sets & I had sooo much to say about all the great music, but all in all I'd say I actually enjoyed it!
& Its definitely something I'd suggest.
Next time Benny Mardones is in town & you justttttt can't miss it b/c you belt out "into the night" at karaoke...Try it out! : )