dear november. . .

a new month!
don't you love it?
i started it byyyy...paying rent (my new nemesis) & waiting for the comcast guys
who restored my cable & internet & snapped me out of the daria-coma i've been in for 3 days.
it felt like weeks.
here i am complaining about the tree in my backyard taking out my 1st world privileges while there are people in all over the east coast with no where to live.

i'm just a product of society.

since my cable was out i didn't get to watch the 24hour news coverage of what was going on back home, but i got plenty of updates from friends & family and all I can say is that I am so glad I was not in new york to experience the "devastation" as my dad likes to refer to hurricane sandy, but I kind of wish i was there just to be able to survive that crazy storm with my city that I love so much, and miss so terribly.

i know a lot of people - both personally and via facebook - who doubted this storm, who criticized people who thought to get prepared and for those of them who are in the tristate area I hope they've learned to stop being so cynical and to take things a little bit more seriously
& for those here in boston where all we got was some wind and fallen trees & wires...we are very, very fortunate.

new york city will survive hurricane sandy, i'm not sure sure boston could have survived...

***

things I learned during my time off the grid?
that i'm more inclined to work on my assignments when I have nothing but my own chaotic thoughts to distract me.
and that
coming home to no internet is not exactly the end of the world.
it was nice in a way to know that I can survive being so disconnected


***

its national novel writing month & i haven't written a thing in yearssss and so i'm challenging myself to work on something. i'd love to see myself through on a short novel...maybe even something full length?
lets not get cray <--- thats crazy w/o the "z" check out the "NaNoWriMo" facebook page to participate! lets write books! & then publish them ourselves! because I know how to do that now!...or I will come the end of december

***

On monday when I lost my main connection to the outside world, I panicked and decided I couldn't possibly concentrate on homework...instead I decided to read for pleasure! it'd been soooo long since I was able to do that. I got through about 70 pages of NW by Zadie, but life has gotten in the way again. I need to make a conscious effort to spend time refreshing huffingtonpost.com & reading in bed like I used to when I was 11.

***

i want so many things for november.

&

i'm going to get them????


what about you?

p.s.
i'm really making a super conscious effort to give this blog some focus & not it being the rambly thoughts of a very confused twenty-four year old...
suggestions?
fashion is super over done
and i guess so is writing?
i'm fielding ideas!

come january this blog will evolve.

titles just aren't my thing.

i haven't posted since october 10th because i've been trying to come up with a title for this one...

jk

no but really.

sometime between then & now i turned twenty-four & i still have no idea what that means...other than that next year i'm turning twenty-five.
i don't feel any different really which i hear is the norm.
was i really expecting to physically feel the difference between twenty-three & twenty-four? yes, i was...i still am.
i think i have noticed slightly more swelling in my feet in the last two weeks ::nods::
***

that moment when you get an assignment back from your professor & it has a note attached that basically says "calm the eff down"

i heard a rumor about a rumor that grad professors really only ever give As; i'm starting to think its true because i handed in an assignment that i was pretty certain i was going to receive a F on, but instead there was an A- & the aforementioned not telling me r e l a x

and A-? how? i thought maybe he was just a super easy grader -and he very well might be- but then i got another A-, when i was absolutelyyyyyy certain [even more than i was before] that I wasn't going to get any higher than a C+
how??
i've been feeling extremely overwhelmed by trying to balance work, school, and sleep & i thought i was failing at it but maybe i really do just need to relax because apparently i'm doing a fine job (i have my first midterm & a huge project due in 3 days & i'm probably jinxing myself here but...)

***
& these are some things that have been on my mind...

1. justin timberlake got married & a little part of me died inside. JT was never my fav;he's actually my least favorite, because he broke up nsync & ruined my life...i digress
but still...wasn't he just 17? wasn't i just 10? married?
it was comforting to know that chris [kirkpatrick] was there because it means that although nsync doesn't exist the way they used to anymore, they're friends. i've heard rumors that they weren't all there...hmmm...

2. i saw the weeknd live. it was amazing. it felt good to be at a concert. it'd been awhile. the house of blues boston is an amazing venue. it was my second show there. loved it. next up?! NAS! & [assuming she doesnt get all crazy & not show up] lauryn hill.

& this is what i'm listening to these days...

1. kendrick lamar {DUH!}
2. the lumineers
3. losing you by solange
4. the new coheed & cambria <--- it is a must hear!

& here is what i don't have time to, but should be reading

1. NW by zadie smith
2. this is how you lose her by junot diaz
3. gone girl by gillian flynn

***
i'm going to start yoga-ing again next week.
if you don't hear from me
come look for me collapsed on the streets of boston.
i don't think my body has ever really heard of "muscle memory"

***
& because i have to! a little bit on the election.
i've already voted
via absentee!
i just couldn't bring myself to vote in massachusetts.
even if you're not voting for who i voted for [*ahem* #FORWARD *ahem*]
get educated about the ISSUES
& vote. it really is an important thing.

...i will say this. it takes more than four years to clean up eight years of bush mess. just sayin!

also!
donald trump? really? not even my college has my college application & that was only like 6 years ago? how do you expect BO to have & release a 30 year old document that we don't ever have access to once its been submitted? isn't there some private island you should be frolicking on?

/end

r.

pre-winter blues?

I hate feeling like the decisions I've made are the wrong ones.
I don't know if its the weather or what, but i've been in quite the mood.
I miss the sun - warmth.
Being this cold makes me tense, and more anxious than usual.

I'm finally starting to really understand there not being enough time in the day.
I'm not the first person ever to attempt graduate school & working almost full time, so why does it feel that way?
Is there something i'm not sacrificing? I have nothing else to give. Sleep? I guess thats a possibility but I'm not nineteen anymore, I can't pull all night-ers like I used to; i can barely stay up past midnight on most days. Once my body hits my mattress thats kinda of it for me...& then I wake up the next morning, rinse, & repeat.
Is this why my mom used to wake up at like 5am? I guess you really do get more done if you wake up before noon...

I've got to find some kind of balance because I'm feeling all kinds of disoriented this days.
&
I have no time for the one thing that I know can get me back on track.
Remember when I used to go to yoga twice a week almost religiously?? 6 months of getting back in shape - mind & body have been erased by 2 months of school & work & school & work & excessively large bowls of pasta & much too much blue bunny birthday cake ice cream - if i didn't have a high metabolism i'd be unrecognizable...
but my bones ache in ways i've never felt before. i don't think i've ever seen my feet swell like this.

How does anyone do it? It seems impossible. There are actually people with full time jobs & children who still manage to go to graduate school? How? What do they sacrifice?
All I have is me to take care of and I am barelyyyy doing that.

I promised myself that when I moved I'd get more reading done - i've been reading Salvage the Bones for about 3 months now
I promised myself that I'd start writing again - I've barely been keeping up with this blog.
I promised to not get sucked back into the eat, sleep, work cycle that was one of my main reasons for leaving nyc, but here I am...

So what are my options?
I seemingly have none.
I'm not lucky enough to be one of those students who doesn't have to work - whose only job is to go to school.
I've given up so much already; all I wanted was to work for at least one of the emerson literary journals/magazines, but thats out of the question. what else can I give up?

Whats going to happen when this semester really picks up? cause I know that there is just so much more to come.

The secret teaches us that our thoughts become things.
I have this terrible habit of crawling back to the secret when I'm feeling at my lowest, but it does have this comforting aura - this way of tricking you into believing things can change just like that which is just want I need to believe sometimes.

So I turn twenty-four in just about three days
&
a present to myself?
a conscious effort at finding balance
&
instant cocoa.
its basically winter out there!

-r.

i always thought i'd have the chance to make it up to her.

years & years of homemade birthday cards that were always made with love & always greatly appreciated

but

she deserved so much more.

i can't tell you how many times since shes passed away that i've seen a shirt, a bag, a pair of shoes, a book & thought "mom would love that"
leopard print anything? done.

whenever i presented one of these handcrafted tokens of my love i'd be thinking one day, one day i will buy you everything.

and despite the fact that there is about $45.00 in my checkings account right now i'd have spent the past couple of days, maybe even weeks searching for the perfect gift - something she'd love, something she'd deserve to have because she really was the best she could ever be...at least to me.

& it really does hurt that i'll never ever get that chance.

i was sitting in class 2 nights ago and i couldn't help but think about her, about how this is all she ever wanted for me
about how im so much closer now to what i want for myself, & how its so unfair that she isn't here to share this with me...

blurgh.

all i can do now is hope that pieces of white paper folded in half with terrible crayola drawings of a rose or some kind of figure that was meant to be her was really enough and that maybe somehow she know deep down that i really wanted to give her everything.

happy birthday mom.

my professor & i? we're already on the same page ::nods::

*disclaimer: the following is a mish mosh of thoughts that have been rolling around in my mind today. it may at times read like one big run on sentence. forgive me.*

1.i'm pretty sure i finally get why people wake up hourssss before they really have to. i have always been a pretty firm believer in "i don't have to be here until this time sooo im not waking up until like 2 hours before.'
i didn't have class today until 6pm which in my mind means, "don't wake up until 3:45ish, snooze til 4pm, get ready, leave the house by like 5:15, run to class."
i couldn't do that today. i had to get up early and handle some cable business, grab some groceries, clean up a bit, eat, etc etc...
& despite the fact that i'm pretty exhausted now, i feel pretty darn accomplished.
i think i'll do this again tomorrow. maybe wake up around 9am [most likely 12pm] --- watch live with kelly & michael -- read a bit? maybe even...write???
the things i could do from 9am-6pm when class starts? imagine the possibilities??
sometimes i sleep all day & wake up feeling like i've wasted so much time. now that my semester has officially started, i won't have time to waste anymore. the days im not at work are the days i have class. i have to juggle work, school, and errands etc...ya know...life!
i'm not saying i'm gonna start waking up at 5am like my grandmother -- lets not get crazy, but im gonna at least try to be up early enough for breakfast! [probably brunch]*

2. my copyediting professor hit the nail on the head this evening. he is also from new york & when one of the girls in class said she wanted to do fashion magazine editing or whatever the hell her career choice is, he said "im not sure theres much fashion in boston. people wear gear here"
it took everything in me not to yell "right!?"
now i don't want to generalize especially since most bostonians aren't really bostonians at all, but there is a hugeeeee void, a lacking of fashions up here.
have you ever heard of jack rogers? because i haven't...before coming to boston i dont think i've ever seen a pair of these damn sandals but now? i've seen about 1,000?
why is everyone wearing the same thing??? and why those sandals??? of course i'm guilty of owning 4 pairs of toms, but those are awesome (i'm obviously biased).
i'm not saying the people here aren't well put together -- i have seen a couple well put together people but for the most part? boston is not very fashion forward -- even the drag queens here need some work ::nods::

oh & now that i'm taking a copyediting course this blog will seem a lot less like the ramblings of a hamster.

3. grad school is a different beast. i don't think i have spent enough time preparing myself. especially for sitting in a class for 3 hours and 45 minutes. good gawd. is this the true test of graduate school? to see how long one can sit in a classroom & not commit japanese ritual suicide?
i didn't wanna be that person in class with their eyes closed but i definitely was. i guess thats normal? i haven't been in a classroom about 2 & 1/2 years. it'll get better?
i'm totally ready to get to work though, the one thing i regret the most about undergrad is that i left half of what i learned go the second my final paper was handed in ya know?
i want to retain every single thing this time around & if that means staying awake for 3 hours and 45 minutes while my professor mumbles on about hypens then so be it!
i felt so much closer to a career in class today & i'm so excited to get there...

4. it dropped from about 75 degrees to 55 today in boston. geesh. its only september 10th. whats the deal? i need a winter coat!

5. i know its already 10 days in, but i love starting a new month. i am alwaysss needing to start over -- new month, new week, new day, new hour even! my goal for the month is to make it 10x better than the last. i have a tendency to run farrrr away from the last month, trying to forget it ever existed. thats not what i want. its more like a "oh hey remember how awesome last month was??? lets keeping riding that wave into the new month!"...
get it?
no?
blurgh

-end rant-

r.

*my life is one big contradiction

well that was fast...

safe to say that this was the shortest summer on record?

its already labor day, summer is over & what do i have to show for it?
barely even a tan.
how many times did i go to the beach? once.
how much patio drinking did i do? not enough...
this time next week i'll be preparing myself to sit through a 3 hour & 45 minute class for the next 14 weeks or so.

it being september 3rd means that i've been in boston for exactly a month now.
how have i changed since then?
i haven't.
at least i don't think...

i haven't completely given myself to boston so it doesn't surprise me that people can tell i'm not from here.
i have learned pretty quickly that not a lot of people are actually from here.
there are just as many transplants here as there are in nyc.
my theory is that they all come here to go to school & then they migrate to nyc to find work & housing in overpriced upper west side apartments.
its just the natural progression of things.

so how am i feeling about boston a month later?
pretty much the same way i was feeling when i first got here.
im not really sure.
im still getting a feel for things.
its kind of hard to really assess this situation when all i do is go to work, come back from work, eat, watching investigation discovery.
and my schedule is only going to get worse when classes start.
then it'll be
class, work, reading, work, class, maybe some food, not a lot of sleep, assignments, exams & repeat...


i've kind of promised myself that i won't let work & school be my life although it'll be a pretty hard promise to keep with winter being just around the corner & all.

oh wait! how have i changed since moving to boston?
i'm not a pc anymore!
totally not related to my move at all but
i have a mac now
& its another thing i have yet to get used to ::nods::
but despite what i've been told, it doesn't make me want an iphone ::nods::

my hopes/wants for september?

to get more acquainted with this city
to stop missing nyc as much as i do so i can be a fully functioning human being
to go back to being the best student that i can be
and to maintain a good school, work, social life balance ::nods::

i also want to stop being being afraid of the bums that live in front of the 7/11 on dartmouth & boylston ::nods::

a presto!

-r.

"you think you know, but you have no idea..."

so i've been working on this new york related post for a couple of days now, but i just couldn't get it right so i just haven't posted it.
i just erased the entire thing & im gonna start over right now.
this post is my reaction to the reactions of the empire state building shooting this morning.

any shooting is terrible. like...duh. any shooting that results in casualties is most obviously a tragedy...but something so much more tragic has happened in other states & cities around the world that what im seeing on cnn & even on facebook/twitter etc...is kind of
for a lack of a better term
annoying?

i'm a born & raised new yorker & i am as loyal as can be. i know what happens in that city everyday & i was never ever really scared. you can't live like that. i grew up in the bronx for goodness sake - what happened at the empire state building this morning happens in some parts of the bronx almost every day - and brooklyn & queens.

so now all of a sudden this happens in manhattan and cnn would like us all to believe that this is 9/11 come again. theres an eyewitness calling in saying that her parents thought she was crazy for moving to nyc after 9/11...really? where should she have moved? its been yearssss since something like this has happened in manhattan and based on what we've been seeing in the news over the past weeks, months, years it seems that no small town, city, state is really safe anymore.

if you're a real new yorker i can't even believe that this isolated incident would have you running scared. depending on where you live in this city you could be just at your local bodega buying bread & suddenly be in the middle of a shoot out.

just weeks ago a 4yr old was shot dead at a playground & i didn't see it all over cnn. i didn't see everyone saying how it was time for them to flee the city. if there ever was a reason to want to leave anywhere it'd be because children aren't safe at playgrounds anymore.

watching cnn report this shooting right now is almost sickening. she actually just said "the sound of a flatbed truck going over a manhole is enough to give people flashbacks of 9/11"...ummm that has NEVER happened to me...ever. i don't know what you're talking about lady on cnn but i actually feel pretty safe when i'm walking around the city.

according to the reports this man went after 1 person & ended up getting others in the process. within minutes he was shot dead by police officers.
that response time alone shows just how much safer nyc is now than it has ever been.

i think if this shooting had happened maybe 2 blocks over it wouldn't be news
but i think since this did happen in front of the empire state building that news sources everywhere were just waiting for the thumbs up that they could link this to terrorism and spend the next 10hours trying to scare everyone out of new york.

this post was originally going to be about some absurd new york related conversations i overheard on the "T" all week & about how this one guy actually tried to sum up new york city in the most stereotypical way possible...but all of that is really reflected in the reactions im seeing to this shooting that took place just hours ago.

new yorkers, in the grand scheme of things you guys are all relatively safe. 50 people are killed in chicago almost every weekend. that hasn't happened in new york city in a verrrrry long time.
this wasn't a terrorist attack. it seems it was actually a very isolated incident. despite what cnn wants you to think, you shouldn't be having 9/11 flashbacks right now.

as im typing this mayor bloomberg is on my tv screen saying that some of the victims were probably shot by nypd officers
so this isn't the mass shooting that the news would like you to believe it is.

it seems that 1 innocent bystander was killed and for that i am very very sorry

but lets not stereotype the entire city because of this...

/end.

-r.

*update*: cnn originally reported that 1 innocent bystander was killed this morning. that was obviously WRONG...much of what cnn reported initially was wrong actually...