It can't possibly be 2012 already...

Oh but it is ::nods::

Remember when this, the last year on the mayan calendar, seemed so far away?
What happened to that? How are we only just hours away?
Does 2011 feel a little neglected maybe? Did we not give it enough TLC? It just came & went - & we all kind of hated it? no? I kinda feel bad now. It will have no chance to redeem itself unless of course it finds some way to take 2012's place ::nods:: or brokers some kind of deal with 2012 to right all of its wrongs & get back in our good graces ::nods::
All we really need to forget a terrible 2011 is an amazing 2012 & thats what I am banking on the most.

2012 will mean a lot of things for me.
It will mean:
2 years since I graduated college
6 years since I graduated high school [which just absolutely blows my mind]
6 years since my mom passed away [again another thing that just blows my mind & continues to break my heart]

2012 could also mean a lot of other things.
It could be the year I:
got into grad school
didn't get into grad school
finally moved out of the house & possibly out of the state
failed, yet again, to move out of the house & possibly out of the state

Do you see where I'm going with this??? 2012 can either be the most progressive year i've had in a very long time or it could be 2011 all over again.
& then what? I anxiously wait to leave 2012 and desperately welcome 2013?
Is this anyway to live? to keep wanting to forget the year before even existed? to put the coming year up on a pedestal which could then lead to disappointment?
I guess thats one way to think about it ::nods::

Or I could just look forward to saying "wow 2012! you were awesome! lets hope 2013 can live up to your awesome-ness!"
That'd be pretty great right?
Wouldn't we all just love that?

So!
Lets make 2012 the year we don't want to forget as badly as we all want to forget 2011?
Sounds good, right???

I think i'm going to do this month by month!
January 2012: the month I learned to relax
February 2012: the month I...
March 2012: the month I...!

Onward peeps! To 2012! I wish you all the most positive of years!

If it wasn't for Justin Bieber I wouldn't even have known it was Christmas

True story ::nods::

It was 55 degrees 2 days ago. There aren't many decorations up around the neighborhood. We didn't experience a mad rush of holiday shoppers at "work"...
I'm not feeling the holiday spirit at all. Where is it???? I think its in that Justin Bieber Christmas album - he sucked up all the holiday cheer and mass produced it for tweens (& myself). Its on repeat at work & its the only time I ever feel like its Christmas. I'm going to have to listen to it today so it feels like Christmas Eve! The Michael Buble album is on heavy rotation at work as well but his music makes me want to jump off an extremely tall building. The biebs' album makes me wanna buy presents!
& that I did!

I did 2 rounds of shopping this year. I managed to get almost everyones gifts in 1 day and all for less than $100! On the second round I spent a bit more but still all within my "budget" [i'll just have to spend the next couple of weeks NOT at chipotle]. Of course I got that buyers remorse I always get when I spend a large sum of money but its Christmas! (I think). This is the only time of year i'll spending this amount of money on anyone else ::nods:: & I mean if all goes according to the holiday gift giving tradition I will be getting something in return so as they say "its all good"

I finding that as I am getting older it is getting much more difficult to answer that "what do you want for christmas?" question...
because I really just never know anymore. When you're young and naive you ask for anything no matter the cost because you probably didn't know how much it cost anyway. But I mean now I know that I want that new blackberry but I obviously can't ask someone to drop $300+ on a phone that i'll just be upgrading when the newest one comes out in the near future anyway. Of course there are things we all want but at this age its better off we just buy them for ourselves ::nods::
I think at this point in my life I am just happy to get anything really. I'd actually be really appreciative of some socks right now as mine all have holes in the toes.
Remember when how awesome your Christmas was depended on how many gifts you received?
So not the case anymore...
I think i'm most excited for the food!...& the eggnog.

I was going somewhere with this..hmmm...

Right!
But if i had to answer that dreaded question:

All I really want for Christmas this year is to get into grad school & to move out of nyc for a bit and start fresh & all that jazz ::nods::
but thats about 50% on me & 50% on the admissions board
All I really want for Christmas this year is to have a great 2012 & to be happy & to make some progress & some positive change and that is about 99.9% on me

I'll direct these wants to the universe as it is the only force capable of handling such a request...

& i'm going to start working on my resolutions for 2012. It may seem like a waste of time because we all rarely follow through on our new years resolutions but my first resolution for 2012 is to do just that! so...there!

oh
&
happy holidays!

Average [av-er-ij, av-rij]

Dictionary.com -[my main source for most definitions - defines [the adjective] average as "typical, common, ordinary..." or you know "nothing special."

I just completed an untimed practice GRE test on princetonreview.com & while I was expecting a much, much, much worse score than what I received, I was pretty disappointed by how average it was: Verbal - 150, Math - 147*
I was expecting a below average score for my math, but such an average score for my verbal? Reading & writing & vocab & all that jazz is kinda sorta my thing, I mean come on!

So now I have 3 days to to get my scores from average to above average. Is that even something that is possible for me?

I know for a fact that I have been average my entire academic career & while I guess there isn't necessarily anything wrong with being average, there definitely is something wrong with my contentment with being average. I never wanted to fail at anything - never liked it, never will - but I don't ever really remember failing a test or a paper and feeling distraught about it ya know? Of course there were the subjects and classes that were somewhat effortless to me, but then there were the courses I needed to put the extra work into & I can't recall ever really doing that - If I was failing a class then I pretty much aimed to get a D, If I had a D in a class then I was pretty darn content with that.

I took Italian for 6 years & if I were to be picked up from this bed & dropped in the center of Rome you'd probably never hear from me again because I'd probably get lost in a fountain somewhere because my Italian is terrible & that is completely my fault. I never put the work in. I should speak/write fluent Italian but I don't because I was sooo content with just passing. I was just so content with knowing what I needed to know when I needed to know it and then just casting it aside.

Is it just in my nature to be this way? Why not strive to be extraordinary? Why not put all the effort in ya know?

This contentment as undoubtedly carried over to my job hunting. I don't think I'm going above and beyond. Am I writing the best cover letter ever written? - not at all. Am I still applying and sending resumes every single day? no and thats because right now as long as I'm working I'm not really feeling the pressure.
But shouldn't I always be feeling the pressure?
Isn't that the only way to get everything you want in life??? To push yourself? To put all of your energy into the things you want?

I talk a lot about changing how I think, how I feel, how I go about my day to day, how I go about getting the things I desire most and I've been crawling and taking a few baby steps but I've been doing that for awhile. I should be sprinting by now right? or at the very least speed walking ::nods::

so I'll start with stepping my GRE game up. I have the next couple of days to get through as many practice questions and tests as possible. Trying to get this done despite my hectic work schedule is gonna be tough but...

Yea
So i'll be a lil too busy to blog until afterrrrrr test time so
wish me luck!


*The GRE is graded on a 130-170 scale & 0-6 for the essays

"Thank You For Your Patience"

Okay so you may have changed that stupid automated announcement that comes on when the train is stuck underground between stations for 30 minutes from "please be patient" to "thank you for your patience", MTA, but i still despise you.
1. because now I can no longer rant in my head about how infuriating "please be patient" is to someone who has no choice but to be patient because they are stuck in a dark, rat infested underground subway tunnel.
2. because that almost unnoticeable change has not increased the quality of my daily commute.

Today for example:
I get to the subway station, make it past the turnstile down onto the platform where the next departing train is waiting, doors open, conductor ready. I luck out and find a seat among my fellow commuters - lucky because I have elbow room on both sides ::nods::
I take out my GRE book and struggle over some 6th grade level mathematics and check my watch - I was right on time. The automated announcement lets us know that this manhattan bound train is about to head to the next stop and that we should stand clear of the closing doors. The doors close, the train moves off, and I hit play on my ipod. About 2 seconds into a Drake song the gears of the train make a very unfamiliar sound and the train stops abruptly. Everyone looks up from their books & nooks & kindles and then the doors open & then the angry lady -as I will always call her- gets on the PA and announces that the train we have all made ourselves so comfortable on is going out of service and that the train across the platform will be leaving first. Insert MAD DASH here. Everyone who had a seat hustles across the platform to try and secure, if possible, the same exact seat. We were all at a disadvantage because the other people who had missed our now out of service train were already seated. I managed to get a seat but this time it lacked the elbow room necessary to properly navigate my study aid...
where was I going with this?
Oh right! How is it that a train could possibly break down and go out of service about 2 seconds into its route? And why does this happen more often than we'd like?
The last time I had an incident like this the angry lady had us cross the platform from one train to the other 3 times. I thought it was some kind of game, I thought we'd all involuntarily ended up on an episode of wipe out - some of the older commuters almost didn't make it. Do we really pay up to $109 a month to run back and forth until the people in charge can get it together?
If its not broken trains, its delayed trains. If its not delayed trains, its no trains at all. How long is this construction supposed to take??? why won't my lines be complete until late 2012? They've been "under construction" since my sophomore year of college!
Get it together MTA! Anyone remember when 30 day unlimited metrocards were about $75-ish bucks? Does it not seem that as the prices increase the service gets that much more terrible?
And can we just talk about the people they hire to "clean" these trains? Having a center/terminal as my home station has opened my eyes to what really happens when these trains reach their last stops. Each member of the maintenance team takes about a half car each and they just walk in, take a broom to whatever trash they can see which neverrr everrr includes whats under the seats. They neverrr everrr get anything and they almost always spend most of the cleaning time sitting, talking, or snacking and they probably all make more money than me. Is there someone I can talk to about this?! I mean really!
I have a suggestion for how these subway train janitors can better make use of all that company time...
How bout by rounding up all the homeless people that have made the E train their mobile home?
I say the following at the risk of sounding like the worst person in the universeeee but like really...i'm not sure how many more smelly cars I can walk into - my lungs aren't strong enough to hold my breath until the next stop most times and it really just makes me sick to my stomach. Now I know that a very large percent of the homeless men & women who occupy our subway system suffer from some kind of mental disorder but isn't that all the more reason to get them off the train, out of their filthy clothes, and into a hospital or some sort of care facility? I also know that maybe the funds aren't there but then what? do we just let them ride the subway up & down and live on the benches in the stations until they're found wayyy too late by some patrol cop? Is there anyone working on a solution to this?
Why am I paying all this money a month to have a woman squat in the corner of a crowded train car & relieve herself?
Why am I paying all this money to walk into a train car where an obviously mentally unhealthy person has defecated all over the ground & then smeared that feces all over the seats.
Where is the give? Does it make us slightly inhumane to scowl and cover our noses when we walk onto a train car that a homeless man has turned into his apartment? yes...but then again this is a service we are paying for. shouldn't we at least be allowed to breath?
I've gotta talk to that tool bloomberg about this...although he'll probably just make some ridiculous comment about how most of the manhattanites don't complain, mostly because they are part of that 1% who can afford to jetpack everywhere ::nods::*

On the same transportation note with a much, much different tone:
On friday 2 men were shot on a bus that had just pulled up at Jamaica center (the very station I use every single day, the same station where I did those platform sprints I mentioned). A man who had just killed someone else ran from the scene of the 1st murder and hopped on the bus that he then made the scene of his second murder. A lot of things went through my head when I saw it on the news. The men that were shot were just doing their daily routines, going about their own business when this monster shot them for absolutely no good reason. I started to think about how easy it is for a murderer to get on a bus. Is it possible for someone who has just taken 1 life to have all their wits about them as they hop on a bus to flee the scene? Is it possible that the driver may have just let him on without paying the fare, without giving it a second thought?
I was on the bus one night on my way home from work when a man who was obviously out of his mind boarded the bus. He was yelling, cursing, and somewhat violent. He didn't have any money, he probably had no idea where he was and instead of denying him entry the bus driver said nothing as the man spewed angry words at him. Was it for his own safety? but what about the safety of everyone else on board who had payed their way home? I made the mistake of looking up from my phone and the man made eye contact with me and said my stop. I was officially scared. I immediately called my father who served as the most inefficient body guard ever. Fortunately I didn't need him, the "angry man" got fixated on a paper bag or something on the floor and forgot all about me but what if he didn't and what if he'd had some kind of weapon?
That incident got me thinking about the time I had honestly completely forgotten that my metrocard expired. I swiped it on the bus and it denied me. I tried explaining to the driver and he wasn't having it. I had to get off the bus and walk back home to get change. It blew my mind. I realized that maybe if I was angry, violent, & yielding a weapon that I would have gotten on that bus and gone anywhere I wanted to go...



*after that crazy snowstorm we had last winter when the MTA was completely shut down, our mayor said that it wasnt all that bad because most of the broadway plays were still packed...from that point on anything he said became invalid.

Its December...& I Am Definitely Feeling The Pressure

I've been like beyondddd confused lately. Is it just me or does it kinda still feel like its 2010? when did 2011 happen? Why is most of it a blur? & How is it already less than a month until 2012?
Did I not just register for the GRE yesterday? & if so...does that not give me another 50 days to test day? No? Its not still October? Its actually december 2nd? I actually have about 14 days until the test?
F. M. L. <--- can we bring that back? because it kinda totally completely describes how I am feeling right now ::nods::
How is it possible that I've been laboring over this princeton review GRE study aid for over a month and I am feeling less confident now than I did 4 weeks ago? Is it because I used "laboring" rather loosely?
Ok so I haven't devoted the necessary time to GRE preparation but I mean like 6th grade - 10th grade math? How difficult could that be? Ummmmm really difficult actually. I had totally forgotten what PEMDAS, FOIL, & factoring meant. I curse younger rudine for not mastering basic math back then but I can't curse her for being awesome enough to make it through about 17 years of schooling without mastering the aforementioned basic math - kudos!
So what now?
Work on my essays? vocab? & reading comprehension? Surely those must be a breeze for me eh?
eh?????
ugh...why did I only manage to answer 12 out of 20 questions of this verbal reasoning section? & why out of those 12 questions did I only get 6 correct?! What is going on here?
So now i've entered panic mode.
A lot of different things can happen when I am in panic mode. I can either fall apart completely - which I've been known to do. Falling apart completely will result in a complete mental shut down which will then render me incapable of continuing to prepare for this test which will result in me balled into the fetal position, crying uncontrollably in front of my cubicle at the testing center at the sight of the first "quantitative reasoning" section which will then of course lead to a score of 0 or less than zero which will then lead to the arrival of a graduate school rejection letter which will lead to me falling apart completely the result of which will be me in the fetal position on the kitchen floor because then obviously I will be as close as possible to the food that I will use to make me temporarily feel better about my sad, sad life.
or!
I can get it together! Sometimes I work best under pressure ::nods:: the threat of failure might actually help me "study" more. I'll spend less time refreshing my facebook page & watching old dateline episodes on investigation discovery and I will spend more time studying the 100+ vocabulary words in that book. I will also stop avoiding the geometry chapter - I have to reacquaint myself with those shapes that aren't circles, triangles, & rectangles.
I've already reviewed more today than I did on my last day of ::nods:: & I still have hours and hoursss to go!
So it seems that I'm moving in the not falling apart direction which I think will yield the positive results I need ::nods::

December also means that I have a little over a month until my application needs to be submitted. I still have about 3,980 words to write.

I wish I could say that I've just been working soooo much that the only time I've had to "study" is on the train but I'd feel kinda guilty since realistically I spend more time napping & snacking on white chocolate covered oreos than prepping and essay writing.

Since its a new month. I figure I'll refresh my mindset. Especially since this month is so dangerously close to next month which is the deadlines of deadlines. I can kinda think my way through the GRE but my graduate school app will take more dedication than I've been giving. Time to reboot!

...right after this nap?