& then i thought "i don't want to move anymore..."

I've got cold feet.

I spent the day sunning, eating, relaxing, talking, thinking with one of my best friends since i was like 15.
It was a gorgeous day in NYC & we decided to spend it in East River Park in Williamsburg, Brooklyn.
Have you ever been there? Its one of the best places to be on a day like today was - so close to the water, so perfect for people watching & wine sipping...

There was something about today - about where I was, about who I was with - that made me think that I was making a hugeeee mistake.
I was so comfortable in that park, so comfortable with my friend, so comfortable with new york city.

Why am I leaving?

I was sitting there, on that sheet, looking around at all the different kinds of people that surrounded me, thinking I don't want to move anymore.

This is typical me.

I'm just a little scared I think. A little nervous? Afraid of the unknown? Of the future?
Today was one of those rare days when NYC doesn't bring me down.

It is fact that I need to leave New York, if only for a little while & I guess 2 years is just a little while.
On any other day there is something about being here that makes me want to run far away, as fast as I can.
Its not that I don't love it, I just feel stuck.

The truth is I absolutely need this move & that is why I applied to grad school in the first place, that is why I applied to a school out of this city, out of this state.

I guess the closer I get to August, the more anxious I'm going to get & its easy for me to just say okay I don't want to leave anymore I'm going to stay here where I am safe...
Its all a very vicious cycle. This is exactly why I need to leave. If I continue to be content with just how content I am then I'm never going to get anywhere, never going to accomplish the things I really want to accomplish.

I've gotta go.

I am going...

...I just wish I could take all my friends with me.

7weeks.

p.s.
have you ever just been chillin' in the park & have a family of geese just stroll on through? they were so cute. i couldn't resist but to get as close as possible...but not too close. in case of an attack. i'm glad b2 was able to capture the moment.

Its friday night & you're home in bed feeling blue... too?

What are the odds of that?
Well
These are the songs you should be listening to - they will either ease the pain or strengthen it:

1. Nina Simone - Don't let me be misunderstood
2. Black kids - Hurricane Jane
3. Childish Gambino - Untitled aka Black faces
4. Carly Rae Jepsen feat. Jimmy Fallon & The Roots - Call me maybe [played on classroom instruments]*
5. tears for fears - Head over heels
6. Ellie Goulding - High for this (Cover)
7. Radiohead - high & dry**
8. Brand New - Coca-cola
9. Sinitta - Cross my broken heart
10.Kanye West - I wonder***
11.Nancy & Frank Sinatra - Something stupid
12.Feist - Inside & out
13.Frank Ocean - Pyramids****
14.Nina simone - love me or leave me*****
15.Mayer Hawthorne - you've got the makings of a lover

*its the only way to enjoy that song
**because theyre performing at bonnaroo tonight & im not there
***its his birthday after all
****just released today!
*****because one can never have too much nina simone

You Call This A Subway System?!: My Weekend In Boston

I don't even know where to begin. I've had this page open for about 48 hours now. My trip to Boston was very quick, but jam packed.
This could go on for pages & pages so I will try my best to sum it all up.

You know I love lists so here goes!

10 things I learned during my weekend in Boston, Ma:

1. Your umbrellas are not safe: i have to start with this one because never in NYC have i ever had this problem. Is this a new england thing? that you can just leave your umbrella in what you think is a safe place & someone will just come along & move it? Do we HAVE to put umbrellas in the communal umbrella holder? is this some kind of law? do they not know what a problem it becomes when 2 (or more) people have the same umbrella?
Also umbrella karma is real! some girl took my (broken) umbrella so i took her (not broken) umbrella in retaliation & i currently have neither one of those umbrellas in my possession. Ended up leaving the other one in a friends car. If they are smart they will stay away from that umbrella. It is bad luck.

2. The "T" is barely a subway system: like...really, boston? you call this a subway system??? ha! this new yorker laughs in your face. I really do appreciate the simplicity of it all - not having to memorize 26 lines is a huge weight off my weak shoulders but really...you do know that the orange line back bay station is like a 5 min walk from the green line boylston street station right? someone needs to let my hopstop app know because it wanted to send me all over the place. If it was up to that app I would have spent most of my days wandering around underground instead of walking around above ground where I figured out that I could literally walk everywhere. I was almost always walking distance away from where I needed to be - figured that out when my toms got soaked in what i can only assume is all of the rain we were supposed to get in april & i needed to get from the Boston park plaza hotel to kate spade & it was literally only a 7 minute walk away. & what is up with being able to walk across the tracks on the green line? theres no 3rd rail but I will always have that fear of death by electrocution.

3. Boston sports fans have really strong feelings toward the manning brothers & they are not good: jealous? obvi! & as a long lost manning sister i am kind of offended...& scared. When i move i plan to wear my "manning" giants tee just to the corner of my block...ya know...just to see how safe i'll be. based on what i heard from some peyton/eli haters this weekend i don't think i'll be very safe at all.

4. The homeless people are a lot less aggressive & seem way more sincere: this guy on the train had apparently made an attempt to get a bed at a shelter but it filled up so he had only about an hour to get $6.50 to get on a train to get to this other shelter wear he was sure to get a bed. It definitely tugged at your heart strings...but i'm a new yorker & my heart strings are made of stone & not at all tugg-able. I'm sorry guy, but I just know too many "bums" who tell sob stories for a living. It was hard for me not to believe that when you got off the train after getting $6.50 about 50 times that day you weren't going home to a mansion.

5. Boston is JUST AS expensive as New York City: but like...why? boston is like 1/3 the size of nyc. It was really nice paying only $4.50 for a stella (i usually pay $7) but still! come on. i need you to be cheaper boston. i refuse to pay $1200 a month for a studio in a "city" where all public transportation is shut down by 1am.

6. ok so this post was originally supposed to be 10 things i learned during my weekend in boston...gonna have to cut this to 5 becauseeeee apparently i didn't learn all that much
but i had a great time!
despite not finding the perfect apartment - & my idea of the perfect apartment is an exact replica of carrie bradshaws nyc apartment both pre & post the makeover she did in the 1st movie ::nods::
I secured my job up there, got a bit of an idea of what to expect from emerson, got a feel for the "city", found a couple starbucks - completely ignoring the existence of "dunkin donuts", had a "phil collins"...or two, watched tom collichio eat a hamburger, hmmm what else!

overall it was a pretty good introduction to the city that will be my home for the next couple of years.
its definitely no nyc & its going to take some time to get used to, but i think i will be a-o-kay.

*the NFT guide to boston SAVED me this weekend & for a girl who has never really had to read a map before, i think i did a pretty good job!

jack.

It was unbearably hot in NYC today & while his mother walked around our store a little boy, jack, who couldn't be any older than 4 & 1/2 took refuge on our couch. He was half asleep when his father & older brother finally arrived in the store and joined them on the couch. His older brother was restless and jack was unable to finish his nap. The father tried to get them both to sit still & jack suggested they sit back & close their eyes.

Great idea.

& then he said the most amazing thing any 4 year old boy could say:

Jack *with his eyes still closed*: you know what i do when i sleep?
father: what do you do?
jack: i think
father: think about what?
me *in my head*: think about what? you're a zygote
jack: ava...
father: what do you think about ava?
jack: that shes so pretty & shes my girlfriend... *smiles with his eyes still closed*

I melted.

Here was this adorable little boy - could barely walk in a straight line, could barely hold his head up - with such pure, innocent feelings about a little girl who i could only imagine is as precious as he is. I couldn't help but smile & be kind of envious of ava - it must be nice to be loved in that way - to be the reason jack can't really sleep at night.

& then he said the most outrageous thing any 4 year old boy could say:

jack *still with his eyes closed*: but then theres piper...
father: whos piper??
me *in my head*: who is piper?!
jack: my other girlfriend
father: what?
me *in my head*: what?!
jack: i like ava but i like piper too but i think i like ava more...if this was me *holds up right hand* and this was ava *holds up 2 fingers on left hand* and this was piper *holds up other 3 fingers on left hand* i would have to pick ava *wraps right hand around 2 fingers on left hand*
father: well if you don't like piper thats okay but you have to tell her...
jack: i know but...
me *in my head*: what the hell...

jack! how could you do this to me?...& piper? how could you melt my heart & then solidify (am i using this word correctly? probably not...) it again & then shatter it into a million pieces and stomp on it with your tiny little uncoordinated feet??
a love triangle?! you don't even have your big boy teeth yet!

Jack, my sweet, sweet jack, you're probably going to grow up and use those gorgeous light brown eyes to get any girl you want. you'll probably write her letters or poems or songs. she'll fall madly in love with you...& then you're going to leave her for her best friend.

boys like you grow up to be the guys that leave girls like me & piper alone on a friday night in bed with a pint of cookie dough ice cream & back to back episodes of say yes to the dress.

-r.

Friday May 25th 2012

On my way home tonight I stepped into a train car full of sailors. All week I have been looking for sailors. For months I have been anticipating fleet week - hoping to find some strapping, young marine to sweep me off my feet & finally I am surrounded by men that fit that description & I looked. like. shit.
Really, universe? The one day I just rolled out of bed, threw on a tshirt & pants that, save for the zippers on the legs, are pretty much pajama bottoms, & flip flops?

As I slumped down into a seat as far away from the sailors as possible, I started thinking about how this pretty much sums up how i've been feeling for a couple of days - out of sync.
I'm not in line with what I want the universe to want for me or what the universe wants me to want for me. Something is off.
I'm not quite sure why.

I've got a lot going on or rather I should have a lot going on, but i'm not being as proactive as I need to be.
If all goes according to plan i'm going to be moving in 2 months but ummm that plan? What is it? I've been flailing through the past couple of weeks - working, sleeping, eating, drinking (1-2 stellas a night, 2 nights a week at most) but the planning?
I'll be in Boston at the end of this week & I should have apartments to see lined up & things of that nature but nope. nothing. i've got nothing.
& its funny because I am soooo excited to move, but I lack the motivation to put the work in.
& this apathy is something i've been battling for some time now. I'm not exactly sure apathy is the right word because I do care, I am aware I'm just not showing up physically, mentally, emotionally...

For a couple years now I've been feeling like I've lost myself.
I'm not doing the things I used to do.
Saying the things I'd normally say.
Loving the things I used to love.
I'm not reading. I'm not writing*. I'm not creating.
I'm kind of just living my life without really living it right now. I'm here but i'm not here.

Meeting Zadie Smith on Wednesday was a bit of a wake up call. I can't keep going on this way. White Teeth was published when she was 25. Shes only in her late 30s now & given maybe 100 years there are people on this earth who could never accomplish what she already has. I do not want to be one of those people.

I need to be an active part of my life. I've really got to take control & steer this the way I want it to go. I can't just let me take it where ever the hell its going to go.

un-accept-able.

Memorial Day weekend marks the start of summer. It will also mark me starting over...yet again.


*the mess that is this blog does not count.

So what do you say to the woman you have spent most of your adult life longing to be?: The day I met Zadie Smith

I was mid conversation with my manager & supervisor when i saw a woman hurry over into the fitting room. She was carrying 2 of the same dress, 2 bags, & was on the phone. I rushed over to help her get settled & asked her if she found everything okay. she nodded without saying a word & looked me right in the eye & instantly I had the feeling that I knew her from somewhere or had seen her before. She closed the curtains & changed into the dress. I lurked around the fitting room waiting for her to come out. She did & asked me to zip up the dress & asked for a heel in her size. I nodded & stared up at her unable to speak, not because I had confirmation of who she was, but because she looked amazing in the dress. I went down to grab her shoes and as i rushed past my supervisor I said "I think i'm helping zadie smith right now! i'm not sure yet but! i will find out! & if i am! i will die!" & i zoomed back up the stairs and handed her the shoes & she slipped them on & was 3 inches taller and looked exactly the way im sure the designer of that dress intended.
(i could & will keep going on about how amazing she made that dress look...but for now i digress)
This point on is a bit of a blur, but I think she asked me my opinion & I went on about how great it looked & she agreed that it was a lovely dress & I asked what the occasion was & she told me it was for a wedding & I said the dress was perfect for a wedding & she agreed & said she'd think about it and she walked over to another rack to take a second look. I took the opportunity to ask her name & the conversation went like this:

woman: ...I'll think about it
me: great...whats your name? so i can...
woman: zadie *smiles*
me: smith?
zadie: yes? *looks at me like im a bit of a looney tune*
me: oh my god
zadie: ...
me: you're my favorite writer
zadie: *smiles* *nods*
me: i've read white teeth every year since my senior year of high school
zadie: well you need new books *smiles*
me: *melts*

I laughed or something awkward like that & walked away while saying "oh my god" to myself. Zadie Smith walked back into the fitting & closed the curtain. My supervisor, L - the only other person in the store at the time to know who she is came up to see if I had confirmed that it was her. She came back out of the fitting room with her bags of books & the dress & told me she'd decided to get it.

**


She watched me as I wrapped up the dress. I couldn't even look up because I was fighting back tears of joy. The calm, cool, collected thing to do would have been to just stay quiet, but she is my favorite writer! one of the women I admire most! i couldn't not say anything....right?!

me: i just have to tell you again that you are seriously my favorite writer.
zadie: aww thank you. you're making me feel old by saying you've been reading my book every year since high school
me: *giggles* its only be 6 years
[since when do i giggle?! never! but i did...]
zadie: ::nods::
me: are you still teaching at nyu?
zadie: yes im still there
me: i went to school for writing
zadie: really? whered you go?
me: southern new hampshire university
zadie: *nods* yes, hmmmm, i've heard of that program
[WHAT?! how has she heard of my tiny school in nh???]
me: *stares up at her with wide eyes*
zadie: howd that go?
me: good...i'm going to emerson in the fall for publishing & writing
zadie: emerson? you should be proud!...hmm thats good. we need someone to save the publishing industry

[ummmm...are you implying that i should be that person? because i'm totes down to accept that challenge!]

we went on to talk a tiny bit about epublishing, ebooks, the pros (not having to carry around 1,000 books at a time...as she was today...& by 1000 i mean like 5...but still A LOT!), the cons (the fact that books are now getting the mp3 treatment aka illegal donwloading)

somewhere in there i managed to complete the transaction.

I said thank you as i do with every client, she smiled and wished me luck & just like that she was gone.

As soon as I was sure she was out of the store & i ran to the front & yelled "i just helped Zadie Smith!" & collapsed onto the front register.
my eyes were teary, my cheeks were flushed, my heart was racing.
I don't think anyone else understood what had just happened to me.

I read White Teeth for the first time my senior of high school in 2006. Since then whenever someone asks me for a book recommendation, the first thing to come out of my mouth is almost always "...White Teeth by Zadie Smith"
That book lived on my desk for all 4 of my college years.
I've read it numerous times.
I've gifted it for christmas.
I read On Beauty in about 2 days & thats only because I had to live life & couldn't just sit & read

I could go on & on about what she means to me -listing all the reasons why i've been wanting to be just like her since i was seventeen- but that could take hourssss & i have to be at work at 8am.

I will say this

Zadie Smith changed my life & I met her today & she was as beautiful & as lovely as I always thought she would be.

-r.


** there she is in ksny karolinas in spearmint green

untitled.

I left the bowery poetry club last month feeling inspired for the first time in years. As I walked around the city trying to let everything I had just heard take root, I wrote a poem...on my blackberry.
Its the first thing i've written since i stopped writing in 2010.
i'm also pretty sure its the first poem i've written since my poetry workshop my junior year of college.
it is about my mother.
& i wrote it with every intention of keeping it to myself, but i think i owe it to her to share this one.

so...

My mother exists to me now only in memories
But that does not make her any less of a woman.
She loved me with everything she had
I never loved her enough & I feel it now in my chest - all my breaths are shallow.
Ask me about her now & as tears form in my eyes I will tell you how I struggle to remember the sound of her voice, how i squint to remember her facial expressions, her thick lips, & her wide eyes.
My mother exists to me now only in my memories
& to my father in my hips when he tells me that my pants are something my mother would wear
in my tone when I have reached my limit & anyone & anything pisses me off.
In my eyes that are big & round like hers
In the scent i wear - he doesnt like it, so i don't wear it anymore.

Perhaps she exists in my sobs. I cry hardest when I think of her. When I think of memories we will never make, the time we'll never get to spend together. The husband she will never get to meet, the grandchildren she will never get to hold - my children.
How can I bring them into this world knowing that in an instant I can leave them alone & incapable of ever getting a good nights sleep.
Unable to find peace.
Needing warm milk & a lullaby.

So okay my mother exists to me in my anxieties. in my fears of after life.
In the simultaneous heaviness & emptiness in my heart.
In the words that I cannot speak.
In my regrets.

Theres no going back

Only forward now & it hurts to take her there
but
she died for me
so its the least I can do