& this is why i won't be buying the july issue of gq, etc...

in this post, i will address 3 things:

1. the july issue of gq
2. michael jackson's death & how it affected me (i will try to be as brief as possible b/c this topic could really go on for ages & ages &pages & pages)
3. "baby one more time" & how it continues to affect me

here goes!


1. so there i am - in grand central station - minding my own business, trying to find track 108 when i walk past a news stand. instantly i start looking for the new issue of gentleman's quarterly & it didn't take me very long to find it. the cover is kind of hard to miss - it is the issue every man has been waiting all year for - a cover girl instead of the usual cover guy. its the special july issue - red, white, & blue everything. the cover girl? kate upton. blonde bombshell hair, barely there bikini top, fire cracker popsicle, tongue on said popsicle in the most suggestive of ways.
"RED HOT AMERICAN SUMMER"
i was disgusted, but i couldn't look away - which i guess is the point?
i felt betrayed.
how in the world could gq do this to me?! i look to that magazine for comfort & refuge & to know what men are wearing, reading, thinking not to feel bad about myself! couldn't you pick a more homely looking girl? did it have to be kate upton & her giant breasts? do they not make bikini tops in her size? is it even legal to have so much side boob on the cover of a magazine? innocent children have access to this cover ya know!
somehow i managed to stop staring into her eyes & saw that this issue also included a bit about "the greatest team in the history of sports". it was the only reason i even touched the magazine. i opened it up & found the article about the dream team & started to read...& then my hand slipped & the magazine closed & as i tried to find the article again i flipped to the page that had a half naked kate upton staring up at me suggestively [yet again], her hands the only thing covering her nipples & i scowled and shoved the magazine back onto its shelf.
"BLURGH!"
you win, gq, you win! i officially feel like shit because i will never look like kate upton in a bikini. it wouldn't surprise me if this issue was your best selling issue to date & i refuseee to be a part of it.
instead i will use that money to start a special savings account that i will call "funds for my plastic surgery to look like kate upton...or for the pints of ice cream i will consume as i sit at home & cry about how i will never look like kate upton"
something like that...

2. where were you when you found out that michael jackson died? i was in the flat iron building, or rather...on my way out. on my way home from a long day of interning. i'd been texting with a friend who told me MJ was dead & i didn't believe it. so i called my dad to confirm & he told me it was ridiculous. probably a rumor. theres no way he was dead. i hung up & headed home. i remember feeling kind of somber, weird on my train ride. everyone was quiet. nothing unusual happened which was very rare for the nyc subway. & then i was waiting for the bus when my dad called & said that yes, it was true michael jackson was dead.
what causes us to feel things for people we've never met? people who didn't even know we existed?
it was some of the saddest couple of days of my life. i actually cried. why? it was unexpected yes, but inevitable. it was bound to happen but i guess we never figured it would be so soon.
i think what affected me the most was that i had never lived in a world without michael jackson...ya know?
for as long as i had been alive, michael jackson had been alive & making music & entertaining & being great at it all & now he was gone & thats it all we have left is a legacy...
i don't know how to really explain this without sounding like some kind of psycho fanatic.
one day yearssss from now our children will be feeling this way about...us? & about whatever entertainer from our generation makes as big an imprint in the industry as mj has & i begggg the universe that it isn't beyowulf aka beyonce aka my arch nemesis.
we'll be feeling this way again probably when the last beatle dies or when queen elizabeth stops being immortal.
its not about who they are in terms of their relationship to you, but more of the place they had in society & how you just assumed they'd always be around, always be a presence.
it is also a reminder of how all anyone ever wants or ever should want is to never be forgotten.
michael jackson will always be around. he made sure of that.
today marks 3 years since he died. time fliessssssssss.
#rip

3. i almost always have my ipod on shuffle. i've been having commitment issues lately & so its very difficult for me to decide on an artist or an album that i want to listen to for my entire commute. so i've been just sifting through 2000+. i spend the majority of my time on the train hitting the next button, i listen to a couple songs - some for the first few minutes, some only for a second or 2 before i decide its just not what i need right now. sometimes i think my ipod knows me better than i know myself. im always convinced that she knows exactly what i need to hear when i need to hear it. i always ignore the fact that i had to get through 300 wrong choices before she gets it right but when she does its oh so right!
the best decision she made all week was to play "baby one more time" by ms. spears. its been a long time since i've listened to that song in its entirety but for some reason that day as i was getting off the train & speed walking up spring street it was exactly what i needed to hear. it was bittersweet. it brought me back to 98! remember 1998?? what a great year! nsync, carson daly, virgin megastore. oh to be 10 years old again!
it was a great time in my life, so it was amazing feeling hearing this song again, thinking about how awesome & filled with pop music those years were...-sigh- but then theres the other feeling. those days are gone. im not 10 im 23 & 9 months old now & nsync doesn't really exist anymore. all i have of those years are fond memories & a few compact discs. remember those? compact discs?
i remember the baby one more time video like it was just yesterday. i miss that britney! so innocent! so cute! wanting to be hit one more time - hit with what exactly? is there some kind of hidden meaning that 10 year old ru couldn't possible pick up on? is there something i'm still missing now?
probably.
well, brit, its been 14 years & my loneliness is still killing me...how bout yours?

-r.

i wrote this post while listening to a live version of 'head over heels' by tears for fears*

i went to yoga for the first time in almost 3 weeks today. the following is what i was screaming to myself after the first set of "high lunge":

1. what?! why?
2. why does this exist?
3. i should have just stayed in bed.
4. i'm done with yoga.
5. i'm never coming back here!
6. this is just silly!

but by the end, as i lay on the mat -palms facing up- i couldn't help but feel extremely satisfied with how i had chosen to spend the 5 o clock hour of my saturday.

i had been going to yoga class twice a week every week since janaury, and then somewhere in mid may things got hectic & complicated & stressful & emotionally - more mentally than anything else. i've been so preoccupied with everything else that i had forgotten why i started going to yoga in the first place - it was to do something for myself, to devote myself to something to prove to myself that i had completely lost my capacity to be dedicated to something. somehow i managed to get so preoccupied with myself that i forgot to take care of myself.
i walked into class today & suddenly remembered why i had been voluntarily subjecting myself to physical activity. just being in the room was enough to erase the anxiety i've been feeling for the past month, if only for an hour...
So yea, i felt like puking about 10 minutes into class, but i didn't! & chair pose is slowly but surely becoming my favorite position -second only to child's pose- small victories!
i'm gonna get myself back into the groove of things! all my days off will be spent meeting my mat. i might even attempt to do 2 classes in one day! [expect a post about that one & about how halfway through the second class my body went on strike]

other concerns

in my attempt to reclaim my life. i did some writing the other night. i can't explain it, i just had this overwhelming feeling to write fiction (by the way my fiction is the closest to non fiction i'll ever write). it has been years since i've had the urge to write something. i sat at my laptop & wrote 3 pages of a short story that isn't worth reading, but it is definitely a start. i had a lot on my mind that night & i got most of it down.
this is a step in the right direction. i used to have a passion for writing & i lost it somewhere along the way, but i think its found me! perfect timing!

so anyone who really knows me & goes out with me etc...knows that i've had the same ID since i was 19 years old. have you ever seen the photo? probably not but it was emo ru at her best. black hair. scowl, black hoodie underneath a black jacket both over a black beatles let it be tshirt. one lip piercing (yes, it was before i got the second & yes, i actually do miss both of them : /). in addition to the picture that no longer looks like me? the huge red UNDER 21 stamped horizontally alongside the photo. a little information about new york state ids? when applying for one you get an options of 4 years or 8 years. to avoid having to go to the dmv ever, i got the 8 year one which meant that the ID wouldn't expire until 2014. it also meant that when i turned 21 i wouldn't be getting a new one...which i didn't know at the time. so yes, since 2009 i have had
an id that said i was under 21 even though i am indeed now 23 & almost 24 (ugh). since my id is valid the under 21 stamp has only created minor problems for me, i've only been denied from one jersey shore club. its mostly just bouncers looking at it then looking at me then looking at me & telling me to go get a new id as they hand back my card. i also respond "why? it doesnt expire for two more years???"
well anyway, since i'm moving & to avoid any further issue i went to the dmv a couple weeks ago & updated my address, picture, & height. i have grown 2 inches since i was 14 when i got my very first id. how did anyone believe i was still 5'6"???
well i got it in the mail this week & i had to use it for the first time today & i looked at it & felt really, really...sad? i kinda miss the under 21 stamp. i mean its been years since i've been under 21 but now it actually feels real. i'm all grown up now. really? when did that happen?
i think there are still some parts of my body & mind that are completely unaware that we've hit & passed puberty.
i guess the angst is ageless?
...i wish i was.

that is all.
::goes back to reading the girl who kicked the hornet's nest:: i am almost done & will mostly certainly experience withdrawal.

*1. i need a title for this blog & couldn't come up with anything AT ALL. i'm so incredibly bad at titles. almost all of my short stories are titled "untitled" [fact] 2. who doesn't love tears for fears?! this song is a classic [period].

oh, should i be mad or something?

sooooo i was superrrr late & completely missed the girls train, but i've been running after it ever since & i have finally caught up to it, and as cliche as it is to say i love this show, i just can't help it! i love it.
its a show that i can kind of sort of relate to. we're the same age, stuck in the same post graduate limbo, drinking too much, falling too hard, making mistakes. these are all things girls our age are experiencing. its very much authentic in that way.


since i was late to the girls party, i was also late to the girls controversy. of course, i'd heard some buzzing about it, but i never got a chance to really get down to the bottom of things...
now that i've seen the show, i've googled the appropriate articles & i am now ready to form an opinion.

so, yes, there is a lack of diversity in the cast of girls. does this surprise anyone?

1. have you ever been to williamsburg, greenpoint, or bushwick? back in the day these neighborhoods were pretty ethnic, but now? everyone there pretty much looks like...the cast of girls.

girls is clearly NOT the only show on television without a black character or without a black character of any substance. I don't think its fair to give a free pass to a show that casts a token "black friend"

i would much rather there be no black character than a token black character. i am more insulted by affirmative action casting than i am by no casting at all especially when they're just placed in a scene to say something "black".*

are there young black females who are living the lives that the girls in girls are living? yes of course, but i don't think they're living it the way they are in the show - i am definitely not.
i can't afford to live in an overpriced hipster, brooklyn apartment & i don't have a seemingly endless supply of money coming in from my parents, i've also been working since i was 16 so theres no way i'd be struggling to find my first job at 24.

i think we also have to consider the fact that people tend to just write what they know. lena dunham created, writes,directs,& acts in this show. this is her show, written from her point of view - her perspective, & her experience.

can she authentically speak to a black girls experience?
it would be impossible.

maybe the issue here isn't the lack of diversity in the cast, but rather the lack of diversity in writing?
no, this is not a plug for me to become a writer for girls, BUT if say they hired someone like me, i could create that authentic voice. i mean its what i plan to do anyway.
i have a tv show in the works (& by in the works i mean just floating around in my head) & i have every intention for the protagonist to be a teenage version of me - did i mention that i will be creating this show for The-N & for The-N only?

where was i going with this?
i've lost my train of thought...moving on!

i think its a bit of a double edged sword here, a kind of "damned if i do, damned if i don't"
because
now its been released that donald glover (aka the only real love of my life) has been cast in season 2 of girls
and already people are asking if it was done as a reaction to this little controversy.
given the fact that its donald glover & not just the first young black person to walk into casting, i'll have to say no.
he obviously will fit whatever role they have written for his character.

i think someone would have taken issue with girls either way.
if they had a black friend someone might have argued that she was "too black" or "not black enough". they would have said she was just thrown in there to fill a quota.

who knowsssssss

personally, i do not find fault with this show for its lack of a girl that looks like me. if i took issue with this show, i'd have to take issue with a lot of shows, because the list of shows that lack minority characters is a long one.

it would be great if we could finally get to a point where white characters, black characters didn't matter - where someone could write a character & just insert whatever actress or actor of whatever race, nationality etc...
but we're not there yet & i don't think we ever can be because there are a lot of factors that go into one's personal experience & race still plays a huge role.

i'm still trying to figure out if i'm just not in tune enough with my blackness to be as upset as the internet says i should be, or if i've just been so desensitized by yearsssss & yearsssss of television with little to no black characters.

i don't know if this oversimplifies things, but if i stopped watching all of the shows that didn't have a minority character, i'd have pretty much NOTHING to watch, at least on primetime.

that being said

is it sunday yet?
[or rather, monday? because i don't watch hbo & i watch girls illegally via interwebs ;)]

& then i thought "i don't want to move anymore..."

I've got cold feet.

I spent the day sunning, eating, relaxing, talking, thinking with one of my best friends since i was like 15.
It was a gorgeous day in NYC & we decided to spend it in East River Park in Williamsburg, Brooklyn.
Have you ever been there? Its one of the best places to be on a day like today was - so close to the water, so perfect for people watching & wine sipping...

There was something about today - about where I was, about who I was with - that made me think that I was making a hugeeee mistake.
I was so comfortable in that park, so comfortable with my friend, so comfortable with new york city.

Why am I leaving?

I was sitting there, on that sheet, looking around at all the different kinds of people that surrounded me, thinking I don't want to move anymore.

This is typical me.

I'm just a little scared I think. A little nervous? Afraid of the unknown? Of the future?
Today was one of those rare days when NYC doesn't bring me down.

It is fact that I need to leave New York, if only for a little while & I guess 2 years is just a little while.
On any other day there is something about being here that makes me want to run far away, as fast as I can.
Its not that I don't love it, I just feel stuck.

The truth is I absolutely need this move & that is why I applied to grad school in the first place, that is why I applied to a school out of this city, out of this state.

I guess the closer I get to August, the more anxious I'm going to get & its easy for me to just say okay I don't want to leave anymore I'm going to stay here where I am safe...
Its all a very vicious cycle. This is exactly why I need to leave. If I continue to be content with just how content I am then I'm never going to get anywhere, never going to accomplish the things I really want to accomplish.

I've gotta go.

I am going...

...I just wish I could take all my friends with me.

7weeks.

p.s.
have you ever just been chillin' in the park & have a family of geese just stroll on through? they were so cute. i couldn't resist but to get as close as possible...but not too close. in case of an attack. i'm glad b2 was able to capture the moment.

Its friday night & you're home in bed feeling blue... too?

What are the odds of that?
Well
These are the songs you should be listening to - they will either ease the pain or strengthen it:

1. Nina Simone - Don't let me be misunderstood
2. Black kids - Hurricane Jane
3. Childish Gambino - Untitled aka Black faces
4. Carly Rae Jepsen feat. Jimmy Fallon & The Roots - Call me maybe [played on classroom instruments]*
5. tears for fears - Head over heels
6. Ellie Goulding - High for this (Cover)
7. Radiohead - high & dry**
8. Brand New - Coca-cola
9. Sinitta - Cross my broken heart
10.Kanye West - I wonder***
11.Nancy & Frank Sinatra - Something stupid
12.Feist - Inside & out
13.Frank Ocean - Pyramids****
14.Nina simone - love me or leave me*****
15.Mayer Hawthorne - you've got the makings of a lover

*its the only way to enjoy that song
**because theyre performing at bonnaroo tonight & im not there
***its his birthday after all
****just released today!
*****because one can never have too much nina simone

You Call This A Subway System?!: My Weekend In Boston

I don't even know where to begin. I've had this page open for about 48 hours now. My trip to Boston was very quick, but jam packed.
This could go on for pages & pages so I will try my best to sum it all up.

You know I love lists so here goes!

10 things I learned during my weekend in Boston, Ma:

1. Your umbrellas are not safe: i have to start with this one because never in NYC have i ever had this problem. Is this a new england thing? that you can just leave your umbrella in what you think is a safe place & someone will just come along & move it? Do we HAVE to put umbrellas in the communal umbrella holder? is this some kind of law? do they not know what a problem it becomes when 2 (or more) people have the same umbrella?
Also umbrella karma is real! some girl took my (broken) umbrella so i took her (not broken) umbrella in retaliation & i currently have neither one of those umbrellas in my possession. Ended up leaving the other one in a friends car. If they are smart they will stay away from that umbrella. It is bad luck.

2. The "T" is barely a subway system: like...really, boston? you call this a subway system??? ha! this new yorker laughs in your face. I really do appreciate the simplicity of it all - not having to memorize 26 lines is a huge weight off my weak shoulders but really...you do know that the orange line back bay station is like a 5 min walk from the green line boylston street station right? someone needs to let my hopstop app know because it wanted to send me all over the place. If it was up to that app I would have spent most of my days wandering around underground instead of walking around above ground where I figured out that I could literally walk everywhere. I was almost always walking distance away from where I needed to be - figured that out when my toms got soaked in what i can only assume is all of the rain we were supposed to get in april & i needed to get from the Boston park plaza hotel to kate spade & it was literally only a 7 minute walk away. & what is up with being able to walk across the tracks on the green line? theres no 3rd rail but I will always have that fear of death by electrocution.

3. Boston sports fans have really strong feelings toward the manning brothers & they are not good: jealous? obvi! & as a long lost manning sister i am kind of offended...& scared. When i move i plan to wear my "manning" giants tee just to the corner of my block...ya know...just to see how safe i'll be. based on what i heard from some peyton/eli haters this weekend i don't think i'll be very safe at all.

4. The homeless people are a lot less aggressive & seem way more sincere: this guy on the train had apparently made an attempt to get a bed at a shelter but it filled up so he had only about an hour to get $6.50 to get on a train to get to this other shelter wear he was sure to get a bed. It definitely tugged at your heart strings...but i'm a new yorker & my heart strings are made of stone & not at all tugg-able. I'm sorry guy, but I just know too many "bums" who tell sob stories for a living. It was hard for me not to believe that when you got off the train after getting $6.50 about 50 times that day you weren't going home to a mansion.

5. Boston is JUST AS expensive as New York City: but like...why? boston is like 1/3 the size of nyc. It was really nice paying only $4.50 for a stella (i usually pay $7) but still! come on. i need you to be cheaper boston. i refuse to pay $1200 a month for a studio in a "city" where all public transportation is shut down by 1am.

6. ok so this post was originally supposed to be 10 things i learned during my weekend in boston...gonna have to cut this to 5 becauseeeee apparently i didn't learn all that much
but i had a great time!
despite not finding the perfect apartment - & my idea of the perfect apartment is an exact replica of carrie bradshaws nyc apartment both pre & post the makeover she did in the 1st movie ::nods::
I secured my job up there, got a bit of an idea of what to expect from emerson, got a feel for the "city", found a couple starbucks - completely ignoring the existence of "dunkin donuts", had a "phil collins"...or two, watched tom collichio eat a hamburger, hmmm what else!

overall it was a pretty good introduction to the city that will be my home for the next couple of years.
its definitely no nyc & its going to take some time to get used to, but i think i will be a-o-kay.

*the NFT guide to boston SAVED me this weekend & for a girl who has never really had to read a map before, i think i did a pretty good job!