i always thought i'd have the chance to make it up to her.

years & years of homemade birthday cards that were always made with love & always greatly appreciated

but

she deserved so much more.

i can't tell you how many times since shes passed away that i've seen a shirt, a bag, a pair of shoes, a book & thought "mom would love that"
leopard print anything? done.

whenever i presented one of these handcrafted tokens of my love i'd be thinking one day, one day i will buy you everything.

and despite the fact that there is about $45.00 in my checkings account right now i'd have spent the past couple of days, maybe even weeks searching for the perfect gift - something she'd love, something she'd deserve to have because she really was the best she could ever be...at least to me.

& it really does hurt that i'll never ever get that chance.

i was sitting in class 2 nights ago and i couldn't help but think about her, about how this is all she ever wanted for me
about how im so much closer now to what i want for myself, & how its so unfair that she isn't here to share this with me...

blurgh.

all i can do now is hope that pieces of white paper folded in half with terrible crayola drawings of a rose or some kind of figure that was meant to be her was really enough and that maybe somehow she know deep down that i really wanted to give her everything.

happy birthday mom.

my professor & i? we're already on the same page ::nods::

*disclaimer: the following is a mish mosh of thoughts that have been rolling around in my mind today. it may at times read like one big run on sentence. forgive me.*

1.i'm pretty sure i finally get why people wake up hourssss before they really have to. i have always been a pretty firm believer in "i don't have to be here until this time sooo im not waking up until like 2 hours before.'
i didn't have class today until 6pm which in my mind means, "don't wake up until 3:45ish, snooze til 4pm, get ready, leave the house by like 5:15, run to class."
i couldn't do that today. i had to get up early and handle some cable business, grab some groceries, clean up a bit, eat, etc etc...
& despite the fact that i'm pretty exhausted now, i feel pretty darn accomplished.
i think i'll do this again tomorrow. maybe wake up around 9am [most likely 12pm] --- watch live with kelly & michael -- read a bit? maybe even...write???
the things i could do from 9am-6pm when class starts? imagine the possibilities??
sometimes i sleep all day & wake up feeling like i've wasted so much time. now that my semester has officially started, i won't have time to waste anymore. the days im not at work are the days i have class. i have to juggle work, school, and errands etc...ya know...life!
i'm not saying i'm gonna start waking up at 5am like my grandmother -- lets not get crazy, but im gonna at least try to be up early enough for breakfast! [probably brunch]*

2. my copyediting professor hit the nail on the head this evening. he is also from new york & when one of the girls in class said she wanted to do fashion magazine editing or whatever the hell her career choice is, he said "im not sure theres much fashion in boston. people wear gear here"
it took everything in me not to yell "right!?"
now i don't want to generalize especially since most bostonians aren't really bostonians at all, but there is a hugeeeee void, a lacking of fashions up here.
have you ever heard of jack rogers? because i haven't...before coming to boston i dont think i've ever seen a pair of these damn sandals but now? i've seen about 1,000?
why is everyone wearing the same thing??? and why those sandals??? of course i'm guilty of owning 4 pairs of toms, but those are awesome (i'm obviously biased).
i'm not saying the people here aren't well put together -- i have seen a couple well put together people but for the most part? boston is not very fashion forward -- even the drag queens here need some work ::nods::

oh & now that i'm taking a copyediting course this blog will seem a lot less like the ramblings of a hamster.

3. grad school is a different beast. i don't think i have spent enough time preparing myself. especially for sitting in a class for 3 hours and 45 minutes. good gawd. is this the true test of graduate school? to see how long one can sit in a classroom & not commit japanese ritual suicide?
i didn't wanna be that person in class with their eyes closed but i definitely was. i guess thats normal? i haven't been in a classroom about 2 & 1/2 years. it'll get better?
i'm totally ready to get to work though, the one thing i regret the most about undergrad is that i left half of what i learned go the second my final paper was handed in ya know?
i want to retain every single thing this time around & if that means staying awake for 3 hours and 45 minutes while my professor mumbles on about hypens then so be it!
i felt so much closer to a career in class today & i'm so excited to get there...

4. it dropped from about 75 degrees to 55 today in boston. geesh. its only september 10th. whats the deal? i need a winter coat!

5. i know its already 10 days in, but i love starting a new month. i am alwaysss needing to start over -- new month, new week, new day, new hour even! my goal for the month is to make it 10x better than the last. i have a tendency to run farrrr away from the last month, trying to forget it ever existed. thats not what i want. its more like a "oh hey remember how awesome last month was??? lets keeping riding that wave into the new month!"...
get it?
no?
blurgh

-end rant-

r.

*my life is one big contradiction

well that was fast...

safe to say that this was the shortest summer on record?

its already labor day, summer is over & what do i have to show for it?
barely even a tan.
how many times did i go to the beach? once.
how much patio drinking did i do? not enough...
this time next week i'll be preparing myself to sit through a 3 hour & 45 minute class for the next 14 weeks or so.

it being september 3rd means that i've been in boston for exactly a month now.
how have i changed since then?
i haven't.
at least i don't think...

i haven't completely given myself to boston so it doesn't surprise me that people can tell i'm not from here.
i have learned pretty quickly that not a lot of people are actually from here.
there are just as many transplants here as there are in nyc.
my theory is that they all come here to go to school & then they migrate to nyc to find work & housing in overpriced upper west side apartments.
its just the natural progression of things.

so how am i feeling about boston a month later?
pretty much the same way i was feeling when i first got here.
im not really sure.
im still getting a feel for things.
its kind of hard to really assess this situation when all i do is go to work, come back from work, eat, watching investigation discovery.
and my schedule is only going to get worse when classes start.
then it'll be
class, work, reading, work, class, maybe some food, not a lot of sleep, assignments, exams & repeat...


i've kind of promised myself that i won't let work & school be my life although it'll be a pretty hard promise to keep with winter being just around the corner & all.

oh wait! how have i changed since moving to boston?
i'm not a pc anymore!
totally not related to my move at all but
i have a mac now
& its another thing i have yet to get used to ::nods::
but despite what i've been told, it doesn't make me want an iphone ::nods::

my hopes/wants for september?

to get more acquainted with this city
to stop missing nyc as much as i do so i can be a fully functioning human being
to go back to being the best student that i can be
and to maintain a good school, work, social life balance ::nods::

i also want to stop being being afraid of the bums that live in front of the 7/11 on dartmouth & boylston ::nods::

a presto!

-r.