"Are you reading, writing, laughing?"

I got very brief e-mail from my former academic advisor turned current life advisor & she closed it by asking a question that kept me thinking for hours...

Am I reading?

I finished Is Everybody Hanging Out Without Me? (And Other Concerns) by Mindy Kaling about 2 weeks ago now and i've been forcing myself not to reread it every since.
Before that I finally finished The Corrections by Jonathan Franzen. It took me a while - Its a great book but I just wasn't in the right state of mind. It was hard for me to stay focused. It was emotionally heavy, there was a lot to take in, a lot to feel. Mindy's book was very refreshing and light & just what I needed to really get back into reading mode.
I have dozens of books that serve as proof that I used to be a reader, but if there ever was a symbol of my lack of motivation for/dedication to anything, including reading, it is 2666 by Roberto Bolano.
I have been "reading" this book for going on about 3 years now? I purchased it the summer after my junior year at SNHU. My advisor/professor was & probably still is pretty obsessed with all things Bolano & is the biggest cheerleader for this 800+ page novel.
I've attempted to get past page 56 about 4 times & have failed miserably. I don't know what it is - the novel reads pretty easily & despite being about .01% in there is plenty of "drama" that if it were happening to people I know & not fictional characters in London would have me hooked.
I think I just keep looking at the book & thinking "there is no way i'm going to finish that" & as long as I keep saying that its most definitely going to be true...so i've decided to give this 800 pager another go...I have also given myself a deadline. I need to be finished with it by February 21st...because thats when The Girl Who Kicked The Hornets Nest by Stieg Larson is finally released on paperback...i have been waiting for that for ummm almost 2 years now?!
So
Am I reading?
Yes.

Am I Writing?

I have dozens of notebooks that prove that I used to be a writer. I say used to because writers write & I haven't been doing much of that lately.
I can't say that I'm not writing anymore because I don't have any stories to tell, any thing I need to get off of my chest & out of my head...because trust me I DO.
I just haven't been making the time for it, and thats the number one rule isn't it? make time to write?
I've been taking baby steps toward that with this blog but these are just the ramblings of a frustrated 20 something...
This form of writing keeps me where I am. I need to start writing fiction again so I can live vicariously through my characters.
I really do miss it & much like the attempt I'm making to finish the unfinishable novel...i'm going to make that time to create.
So
Am I writing?
Kind of...
and in a few weeks I'd like to be able to ask myself that question again & say
"Yes, yes I am..."

Am I Laughing?

I've been watching a lot of How I Met Your Mother lately so...yes, I am laughing.
I am laughing a lot.
I love laughing. I love that no matter how sad I am feeling, how anxious, how frustrated, how discouraged, how anything, if something is funny I am going to laugh & I am going to laugh until I can feel the muscles in my stomach begin to resist the laughter, I am going to laugh until I feel great again.
I can lose my motivation to read, my dedication to writing, but the laughter? that never goes away...

How is it possible that my advisor was able to basically ask me if everything was alright in my life in only 5 words?
If the answer to all 3 parts of those questions is ever "NO" then I've really got some living to do
but as long as the answers are yes, kind of, & yes...then I know i'm doing a lot better than I think I am...*

*i used a lot of ellipsis in this post. I use it a lot in my life. its a terrible habit, but i love it and i refuse to stop. especially in something as informal as my own blog.
It is only one of the grammatical liberties I take. i rarely ever capitalize the letter "I", Im pretty sure I never actually learned proper comma usage and have managed to make it through high school, college, & a editing internship without it, & I use "-" way too much because I get attached to sentences and never want them to end.

"Always Wear Flats and Have Your Friends Sleep Over: A Step-by-Step How-To Guide for Avoiding Getting Murdered"

a few more alternate titles for Mindy Kaling's collection of essays?

The Girl with No Tattoo
I Want Dirk Nowitzki to Host Saturday Night Live So Much That I'm Making it the Title of my Book
&
There Has Ceased to Be a Difference Between My Awake Clothes and My Asleep Clothes*

While I was able to make instant connections to these possible titles, I'm kind of glad she went with Is Everyone Hanging Out Without Me? (And Other Concerns) because its the question girls like me have been asking ourselves since 7th grade.

Lets be honest...who knew Mindy Kaling was such a jane of all trades? Obviously as a pretty big fan of The Office, I knew almost everything one needed to know about Kelly Kapor, but what did I know about Mindy Kaling other than that she was the actress who played Kelly Kapor?
I'd seen her name pop up as co-executive producer but what did that mean anyway?
I'm not one to really check out all the credits for a show or any particular episode but if I had I would have learned that Mindy has been a writer on The Office since season 1 & that she has already directed a couple episodes.

Other things I learned about Mindy Kaling:
1. she loves making lists (this book consists mostly of lists)
2. her real name is vera & her "american name" comes from the show Mork & Mindy
3. She grew up in Massachusetts
3. She went to Dartmouth...IN NEW HAMPSHIRE (Dear Min, I went to college in New Hampshire too can we be besties?)
4. she has pretty much known since birth that she wanted to be a comedienne
5. she is a writer, actor, producer, director, shop-a-holic, & knower of pretty much all things awkward
6. she & rainn wilson mask their rock solid friendship by publicly hating each other
7. she is everything I would love to be

Here is why
Well obviously because she nailed her very first attempt at writing a book. It took her about a year & a half but it seems effortless. If i wanted to, I could have read this book in one sitting. "...And Other Concerns" is only about 220 pages, but even if it was 500 I still could have just sat in my bed indian style, flipping pages, laughing hysterically, and taking note of every quote that made me go "get out of my head, min!" [about half way through I started calling her Min, we're that cool...well we would be if we knew each other ::nods::]
instead
I kept stopping myself whenever the book started getting too good. I didn't want it to end...ever...and when it did (as I sat in the break room at my job)...my life suddenly lacked some purpose.

My purpose for the last 2 days had been to read this book, fall in love (in the most heterosexual, non fatal attraction-ish way possible) with mindy, and be inspired.
Is Everyone Hanging Out Without Me? made me want to write a book, it made me want to write a play based on ben affleck & matt damon or w/e the current bromance is? maybe I could have tackled brad & clooney ::nods::
it made me want to keep at everything i'm doing now because even Mindy had to suffer through the post-grad limbo, working jobs you never thought you'd have work, dealing with people you never thought you'd have to deal with & look at her now!

I think in order to be as successful as she has, both in her career & personal life, you'd have to kind of look at life the way she does. She's super light & funny about it. Yes shes emotional & rambly like the rest of us but she turned some of her most embarrassing experiences into an amazing-ly written book.
You have to be accepting of yourself in ways you never thought you could be ::nods::

What else can I say about this book other than that it is my mid 20s bible & Mindy Kaling just might have passed Oprah** as my own personal Jesus?

All that is left for me to say about Is Everyone Hanging Out Without Me? (And Other Concerns) without completely giving it away:

1. buy it.
2. read it.
3. you will love it...i promise.
4. i think boys can read it too but they probably won't really get it...especially when she goes into how pierce brosnan's chest hair pretty much changed her life
5. upon completion of her book you will conclude that Mindy is everyone you would ever want to know rolled into one awesome person...& if not then...whatever your opinion doesn't reallllllly matter anyway! just mine & min's!...i'm kidding...kind of?

Oh! & have you not heard of "Androgynous Kids & Puppets"?***


*for the rest of the list please see page 7 of this extraordinary piece of non-fiction ::nods::
**i initially typed her name with a lower case "o" & spell checked promptly notified me of my blasphemy...Oprah [capital "O", ya'll!] maintains her #1 spot on my list of "Jesuses"
***the final reason i think you should get, read, & love this book immediately

Now what?

I submitted my graduate school application this morning. Did I ever mention that I was doing just 1?
It was probably the most anxious 5 minutes of my life.

Things I thought would happen while I was in the middle of submitting my online application:
1. my computer would implode
2. the internet would suddenly disappear & cease to exist
3. i would hit the wrong button & both of my essays would disintegrate right before my eyes
4. it would suddenly be January 16th & I missed the deadline

None of that happened but they totally could have ::nods::
So I checked & double checked & triple checked my application from beginning to end. Everything was in order. I clicked submit & paid that $60 application fee...which is $60 that I could have used on a couple medium pizzas & some cheesy bread or like savings or something, but I guess $60 to have the chance to further my education isn't too bad right?

Application filled out? check. resume attached? check. essays attached? check. transcript on its way? check. recommendations? those are kind of at a c-h-e... i hope to have that be a check by the end of the week...so I submitted the application & felt the weight being lifted off of my brain. For that past couple of months I've been obsessing about my GRE and this application & now I can focus on other things like being incredibly jealous of Mindy Kaling for writing one of the best books I've ever read (despite being only half way through I can already declare & stand by that statement) & just being jealous of her overall amazing-ness.

I can focus on searching for a second job? preferably at a dominos...how much is their discount? and exactly how fast is my metabolism?
I could also put all this energy I will now have into going to bikram yoga like i've been wanting...hmmmmm
I will welcome all these distractions because the waiting is whats really going to kill me. Writing those essays were pretty anxiety inducing, but the waiting?! geesh...
I mean it would be okay if I knew for sure that I was waiting for an acceptance letter but ya know sometimes an application is just an application...actually most of the time ::nods::

Fortunately I have a pretty good track record:
[if i completely ignore that time I applied to the New School University in a desperate attempt to escape New Hampshire...umm I had like a -2.6 gpa & hadn't quite developed my amazing essay-ing skills]
I got into all of the high schools I applied to back in 8th grade, I got into all 5 colleges/universities I applied to when I was a senior in high school soooo lets keep this record going...yeah?

All of that aside
this is a pretty vulnerable time for me. Most apply to at the very least 4 graduate schools. I made the decision to apply to just 1 - to put all of my "eggs" in one "basket."
This will work out & be the best decision I've ever made orrrrrrrr it will not work out & be the worst decision i've ever made. I'll either be making this great move to another city & starting over & all these good things or I will continue to be a jaded new yorker who hates her job & would rather spend her days in bed watching never say never on netflix [but i mean i'd probably do that either way ::nods::]
Also, what will everyone think of me? my fam, my friends, my recommendation providers, my colleagues...
Will they think I'm a failure? because thats definitely what i'm going to think...hmmmm

I definitely thought I'd feel much better once everything was submitted & out of my hands & thrown into the universe's hands but
it just doesn't get any less traumatizing does it?

What is the life of an overly emotionally unstable twenty-something if it is not full of anxiety?

So now what?
I wait & I make it to maybe 1 bikram yoga class & wait & maybe start writing more like I promised baby new year I would & wait & try to forget what i'm waiting for & wait & maybe do some knitting? & wait...

& then
...what?

4 Years To Last A Lifetime...?

I often second guess most [if not all] of the decisions i've made, but I can confidently say that I have never ever regretted choosing the Academy of Mt St. Ursula [Bronx, NY] to spend the most awkwardly amazing years of my life.

Can you believe that its been 6 years since I graduated high school? because i can't. It still blows my mind. 6 years since graduation means 10 years since I started there, which means its been about 9 years since NSYNC broke up & that is just insane!
But, in the words of my HS Italian teacher, "I digress."

I went back to high school today, ya'll.
I attended the AMSU Young Alumnae Retreat & it was everything I expected & more...
As my best friend of apparently ummm 9&1/2 years now & I walked to the top of the hill on which our high school sits we could almost smell the four years we spent there. It was as if nothing had changed, like we had stepped right back into the past & how I wish that was a real possibility.

We spent the next 5+ hours reconnecting with some of our classmates, our favorite teacher, and a lot of the girls who had been lil ursuline babies when we graduated & who are now all grown up.

Yes, we were all reunited but it was also a retreat so of course we eventually had to get down to the business of praying.
It has been a really long time since I've had to "prepare myself to be in the presence of God", but I think I did a pretty good job.

The theme of the retreat was "New Year, New Attitude, New Life" & it couldn't have been more perfect. We talked about coping with stress, dealing with where we are or aren't in our lives, using this new year to focus on ourselves...all things I needed desperately.
I could not be more appreciative.

I remember getting to school early in the mornings, leaving late in the evenings & loving every minute of it.
So why haven't I been back as much as I always swore I would?
Well of course life has gotten in the way: going off the college, working, etc...
but I am so grateful to AMSU for always being there, for welcoming us all back with open arms.

As we were meditating in chapel this afternoon I couldn't help but tear up a little as I thought about how fortunate I was to attend AMSU when I did, to make the friends that I did, to make the connections I did with teachers turned advisers and friends.
My mother passed away at the end of my senior year there & I don't think that I could have survived my last month of school anywhere else. I know for a fact that it was an experience unique to Mt. St. Ursula.
Where else could I have made friends who would show up unexpectedly to my mother's funeral the day after prom?
No where.
and yes, again life has gotten in the way a few of those "friends" are no longer my "friends" but for that I will always be grateful.

& can I just say: like how lucky am I to still be best friends with the girls I was best friends with when I was 14???

If you know anything about AMSU you know its the oldest catholic all girls school in New York.
You know that its a pretty prestigious high school
but aside from the fact that we got a pretty awesome education and a pretty awesome network of professional women
we also got about 400+ sisters [whether we wanted them or not]!

We entered AMSU as a group of very different girls and left as a group of very different young women.
Despite all of our differences, because we went to AMSU, we'll always have so much more in common with each other than we will with maybe even our own daughters (unless we force them, as me & sasha b. plan to do, to go to AMSU! oh & disregarding that entire like blood relation thing).

I'd always kind of regretted never really considering joining a sorority of some sorts in college
but I finally realized today that DUH! I am already a part of an amazing sisterhood!...& I didn't even have to go through any of that pledging mess.

Since 2006 my life has been all over the place. I don't live in the same house I grew up in - I don't even live in the same borough. I can't really account for any of my childhood things: the contents of my room, my nsync dolls, my books...
but the one thing I do have and will always have is AMSU

WOW
nostalgia overrrrrrload
I'm done now.

I guess all I'm really saying is that I had a really great day. I guess all I'm really saying is that it was really great to go home...

Rudine '06