titles just aren't my thing.

i haven't posted since october 10th because i've been trying to come up with a title for this one...

jk

no but really.

sometime between then & now i turned twenty-four & i still have no idea what that means...other than that next year i'm turning twenty-five.
i don't feel any different really which i hear is the norm.
was i really expecting to physically feel the difference between twenty-three & twenty-four? yes, i was...i still am.
i think i have noticed slightly more swelling in my feet in the last two weeks ::nods::
***

that moment when you get an assignment back from your professor & it has a note attached that basically says "calm the eff down"

i heard a rumor about a rumor that grad professors really only ever give As; i'm starting to think its true because i handed in an assignment that i was pretty certain i was going to receive a F on, but instead there was an A- & the aforementioned not telling me r e l a x

and A-? how? i thought maybe he was just a super easy grader -and he very well might be- but then i got another A-, when i was absolutelyyyyyy certain [even more than i was before] that I wasn't going to get any higher than a C+
how??
i've been feeling extremely overwhelmed by trying to balance work, school, and sleep & i thought i was failing at it but maybe i really do just need to relax because apparently i'm doing a fine job (i have my first midterm & a huge project due in 3 days & i'm probably jinxing myself here but...)

***
& these are some things that have been on my mind...

1. justin timberlake got married & a little part of me died inside. JT was never my fav;he's actually my least favorite, because he broke up nsync & ruined my life...i digress
but still...wasn't he just 17? wasn't i just 10? married?
it was comforting to know that chris [kirkpatrick] was there because it means that although nsync doesn't exist the way they used to anymore, they're friends. i've heard rumors that they weren't all there...hmmm...

2. i saw the weeknd live. it was amazing. it felt good to be at a concert. it'd been awhile. the house of blues boston is an amazing venue. it was my second show there. loved it. next up?! NAS! & [assuming she doesnt get all crazy & not show up] lauryn hill.

& this is what i'm listening to these days...

1. kendrick lamar {DUH!}
2. the lumineers
3. losing you by solange
4. the new coheed & cambria <--- it is a must hear!

& here is what i don't have time to, but should be reading

1. NW by zadie smith
2. this is how you lose her by junot diaz
3. gone girl by gillian flynn

***
i'm going to start yoga-ing again next week.
if you don't hear from me
come look for me collapsed on the streets of boston.
i don't think my body has ever really heard of "muscle memory"

***
& because i have to! a little bit on the election.
i've already voted
via absentee!
i just couldn't bring myself to vote in massachusetts.
even if you're not voting for who i voted for [*ahem* #FORWARD *ahem*]
get educated about the ISSUES
& vote. it really is an important thing.

...i will say this. it takes more than four years to clean up eight years of bush mess. just sayin!

also!
donald trump? really? not even my college has my college application & that was only like 6 years ago? how do you expect BO to have & release a 30 year old document that we don't ever have access to once its been submitted? isn't there some private island you should be frolicking on?

/end

r.

pre-winter blues?

I hate feeling like the decisions I've made are the wrong ones.
I don't know if its the weather or what, but i've been in quite the mood.
I miss the sun - warmth.
Being this cold makes me tense, and more anxious than usual.

I'm finally starting to really understand there not being enough time in the day.
I'm not the first person ever to attempt graduate school & working almost full time, so why does it feel that way?
Is there something i'm not sacrificing? I have nothing else to give. Sleep? I guess thats a possibility but I'm not nineteen anymore, I can't pull all night-ers like I used to; i can barely stay up past midnight on most days. Once my body hits my mattress thats kinda of it for me...& then I wake up the next morning, rinse, & repeat.
Is this why my mom used to wake up at like 5am? I guess you really do get more done if you wake up before noon...

I've got to find some kind of balance because I'm feeling all kinds of disoriented this days.
&
I have no time for the one thing that I know can get me back on track.
Remember when I used to go to yoga twice a week almost religiously?? 6 months of getting back in shape - mind & body have been erased by 2 months of school & work & school & work & excessively large bowls of pasta & much too much blue bunny birthday cake ice cream - if i didn't have a high metabolism i'd be unrecognizable...
but my bones ache in ways i've never felt before. i don't think i've ever seen my feet swell like this.

How does anyone do it? It seems impossible. There are actually people with full time jobs & children who still manage to go to graduate school? How? What do they sacrifice?
All I have is me to take care of and I am barelyyyy doing that.

I promised myself that when I moved I'd get more reading done - i've been reading Salvage the Bones for about 3 months now
I promised myself that I'd start writing again - I've barely been keeping up with this blog.
I promised to not get sucked back into the eat, sleep, work cycle that was one of my main reasons for leaving nyc, but here I am...

So what are my options?
I seemingly have none.
I'm not lucky enough to be one of those students who doesn't have to work - whose only job is to go to school.
I've given up so much already; all I wanted was to work for at least one of the emerson literary journals/magazines, but thats out of the question. what else can I give up?

Whats going to happen when this semester really picks up? cause I know that there is just so much more to come.

The secret teaches us that our thoughts become things.
I have this terrible habit of crawling back to the secret when I'm feeling at my lowest, but it does have this comforting aura - this way of tricking you into believing things can change just like that which is just want I need to believe sometimes.

So I turn twenty-four in just about three days
&
a present to myself?
a conscious effort at finding balance
&
instant cocoa.
its basically winter out there!

-r.